So after being on citalopram with mad dosages for 8 weeks, my doctor switched me to zoloft 50mg.. and recently upped me to 100mg
For the past month i have found 100mg sertraline amazing. I feel like my old self, i feel like i want to talk to people, and i find social situations a lot easier.
The issue is that I now worry what my life would be like without this drug. Having started on cit back in february when i was close to taking my life, I had no hope. The last month on sertraline has actually given me hope, i feel like i can bheave in the way i used to, and i just genuinely feel like myself (i originally thought these meds would get you "high", but after realising what they do, i realise they actually just bring you back to who you should be, which simply as a concept has been lost on me for countless years
As a consequence however, even though its only been working a month, i am now left with the prospect that in 6 months time, my doctor is likely to want me off the meds, and similarly having had a long history of substance abuse, i would rather that as well.
What worries me already though is that if i come off the meds, I may return to my previous 5 year long depressive self, where i think of negative thoughts and self harm constantly, which really has me scared as the whole prompt to go on the meds was an attempt at my life! (!!)
I am happy to continue this medication as it has brought me back to how i was, yet at the same time, am scared not of the side effects of withdrawal (I can deal with those given my past), but that at the end of this, I will lose all confidence and drive, and I will just be left as an empty shell again.
From what i Understand, my previous lifestyle 6 years back accustomed me to high levels of dopamine and serotonin, and i believe this to be the root of how bad i have been over the past 5years.
Will 6 months odd off sertraline treatment leave me feeling the same sort of positivity as i do when I am on the meds, or will dropping off of them in the new year (Jan 2016) cause me to just again spiral into a serotonin shortage and lead me to craving for the return of an SSRI?
From what I can tell the SSRI effect will wear off after tapering down, and from a chemically speakin perspective, I will in fact be producing less serotonin and perhaps wind up even worse than when i was a few months back! This worries me about stopping (even if it is many months away)
Thanks for your advice