Sorry everyone but I'm feeling really sorry for myself and completely stupid so needed to share.
I'm 11 weeks post TKR and generally I'm not doing too bad. I am struggling with the extension so have been told I have 3 weeks to vastly improve otherwise they'll operate (it sits at 30 degrees so I know it's needed). I am constantly working on it so no one can accuse me of not trying. I still have to use crutches outside to help keep me up straight. Pain wise though I'm ok most of the time and my bend is steadily improving (85 at moment which is great for someone with my leg damage).
Anyway today I was meant to be going with my mum to watch a show in Manchester (it was part of her Christmas present off me). I'd bought tickets, booked hotel & meal...all I had to do was get on a train.
Manchester is 40 mins away from us on a train. It pulled up at the station, it was really full and people were standing up. What followed next I can't explain...I literally started to have a melt down. I started crying and shouting at my mum that I couldn't get on (in the middle of the platform). I was verging on a panic attack as I started to struggle to catch my breath. My amazing mum was brilliant about it, calmed me down and put us in a taxi home. She is obviously more bothered about me than watching Lord of the Dance.
I, on the other hand, feel pathetic. I didn't see it coming. Yes I was aprenhensive about going but I didn't envisage a melt down because of a busy train. I guess I was panicking that I might have to stand up all the way (I've never had the best balance even prior to this) but still?? I should be looking after my mum, not the other way round.
Has anyone else had something like this happen or is it just weirdo me?
Sorry to go on at you all, no one else understands x
Bless you, I know exactly how you're feeling, big hugs xxx
I'm 9 weeks today, and on the whole I'm doing ok. But a couple of weeks ago, I had a complete meltdown in my Dr's office......it was as though everything from the past few months hit me all at once, and I couldn't speak, couldn't breathe.....I'm feeling wobbly again today, and properly sorry for myself.....
I've no advice I'm afr
What a great Mom you have!
You are not alone in your panic.
Don't feel deflated. Things happen. Don't sweat the small stuff and they say it's all small stuff!!
I would prob have been worried about having to stand for the trip and then worried again about the trip home and prob not enjoyed your show. I am guessing the gift was also to spend some time with your mom and that you got just in a different way.
I am 14 wks post tkr and am doing ok. Unless you have a panic attack it's hard to understand them. I have people in my life who just don't get it.
I suffer from panic attacks (for a whole different reason - different forum!)
The great thing about this forum is to know you are not alone!
Hope you enjoy the rest of your day.
Sorry lost the thread....
I've no advice, other than go easy on yourself, get plenty of rest, and keep coming on here to vent, we all understand xxx
Hi Kathryn
I know exactly how you feel, I am 9 weeks bilateral TKR, and today is a down day, if anyone looks at me me I cry!! Stupid I know, I still use my crutches when I'm out but trying to use them less and less, I have had enough of the pain now and just want it to stop! I can't straighten either leg yet ( 15) on each but my surgeon said it was nothing to worry about and just keep working at it. Everyone says there is a light at the end of the tunnel but it is a bloody long tunnel! I hope things improve for you as I'm sure they will xx
I know exactly how you felt and feel. My first train journey was at 10 weeks and we had a seat booked. Even then it was an ordeal. At 14 weeks ie now last Monday I went on a train and was really panicked when getting on and off and the sight of all the passengers getting off at euston and walking that long platform to the exit. I froze luckily I had a crutch and some mobility assistance buggy appeared from thin air and whisked me up to the exit. Leave it behind it's done and understandable - you weren't ready - next time plan and do a short trial journey. My fear is falling and it feel so hopeless not being fully mobile, I was the only person not dancing at a wedding recently and ended up very sorry for myself. It's allowed but can't wallow in it pick yourself up and be positive. Still early days see how you are at 6 months - I'm only three weeks ahead of you and cried least night with stiffness. It's not just a physical recovery it's in our heads as well. Shame you missed the show but there will be other good things ahead. Take care
Caroline
Hi Kathryn
I'm sorry that you felt so awful. It was a brave attempt of you to try. Not sure if you took crutches, or a stick, but that helps to let people know that you are vulnerable...and they normally take more care.
I've not attempted trains again, yet, since my 2nd knee in Sept as I can't straighten fully. It's awful for me, as I'm so used to going to London once or twice a month for the theatre. The other problem I some venues is the lack of leg room. Because we have a foot at the end of our leg (and because our bed is a bit restrictive) we sometimes have to sit with our foot at a funny angle...which gets more and more uncomfortable. The leg often suffers if the seats a bit high, too. I'm only 5' 2" so I often have this problem. And then there's trying to stand up again after sitting for so long!
it will come in time. You were so lucky to have your Mum's support.
Just put it down to experience and focus on the future.
Take care.
Patsy
Whatever you do don't put all of this on some form of personal weakness of which you should be ashamed. First things first......you have been through one of the most difficult surgeries and recoveries going. The normal fear of falling, getting in a situation that would render you helpless is far from abnormal. I turn down tickets and invitations to attend sporting events as the thought of getting knocked down a flight of stairs or shoved by a careless or drunk person is just overwhelming..... Not to mention sitting for 3-4 hours with my leg jammed up in an uncomfortable position. I also feel the same way about flying. As far as the leg itself. A couple of things to help with straight which, by the way, is more important than bend. 1) lay on your stomach on the bed with the legs hanging off. Let gravity pull you legs down. Hold for a count of 5 to start and repeat 10 times. Increase both length of hold time a d number of repeats. Sounds simple? It isn't. Its had to get in and out of the position and it hurts to beat hell but you gradually feel the leg pulling down straight.2) roll up a towel so it 4-5" in diameter, lay on your back and put the towel under the ankle, put a couple of pillows under your head/upper body. Gradually , using all of your leg muscles, tighten the leg while using the quads to push down. Hold to a count of 15 repeat 10 times. Do both a couple of times a day. Be sure and ice afterwards and massage vitamin E oil or some other good oil in before you start and aftstwards
Thank you so much everyone, just to know you are all out there is an unbelievable comfort. Just reading your messages has really helped. Thanks for all your advice too. I could really hug you all now xx
Hey Kathryn anyone who's had a TKR will understand!! No way are you a weirdo!! One of the side effects of this op is a strong effect on the emotions including tearfulness and fearfulness! So don't beat yourself up you've been through a major major operation and it takes its toll on body mind and spirit. It all gets better in time and Lord of the Dance will still be there! What a lovely mum you must have, and as fairly elderly mum myself you can take it from me we never stop taking care of our children when they need help!
Hi Katherine don't be hard on yourself. You did the right thing and there will be lots of other times in the not too distant future
when you will be able to enjoy things better. I am 3 weeks post operation on my second tkr and my daughter is having a party for her birthday in two weeks time. It's only at her house but I know I won't be able to stay long and already I'm worrying that they will think I am a party pooper if I have to leave. Also don't want to spoil it for my husband. I think people see us moving about and think we are okay but don't understand the pain we are in and how we will suffer later if we do too much.Sending you big hugs and lots of love..x
Kathryn, we have all had moments of panic and we have a lot of emotion due to surgery. Don't beat yourself up, we all go through this in different ways. 9 weeks post op, sitting easy and comfortably, standing..ouch! straight leg is not coming along as I want. doing exercises, letting gravity pull down sitting at a chair and ankle on another chair. Just been on my exercise bike for 2 mins...heard my knee click so don't know if that's OK or not. Came straight to the computer, sitting reading the forum and hoping against hope that that I'll be able to stand OK.. have ice packs and heat pads plus bio oil for massage every time I do the exercises though I can't see a difference. Physio or should I say torture again on Tuesday, though she did get my straightening down 5 degrees. It's a long haul and we shouldn't rush it. I am 75 with second TKR and coming up to 55th wedding anniversary later this month so want to be able to at least walk without a hint of limp.
I hope you are now feeling much better about this, and realise that you are NO WAY alone in feelings of panic. Probably it was too much too soon for you to cope with and your brain told you NO in no uncertain terms. I know how difficult panic attacks can be (had a couple with No apparent reason for them!) and it doesn't mean you are 'weird' or 'weak'. It just means you are human!
No definitely not a weirdo !
I too had a meltdown had a good cry sulked and went to bed !
Next day started again exercise ice etc !
Looking forward to the next meltdown As I felt so much better for getting the tears out just waiting for the leg to straighten itself !
No need to apologise Kathryn we all have our bad moments. It is worse when you do not see it coming.
That is what Mothers are for after all.
I had TKR 3 years ago so am trying to go back and remember what I was like at your stage. I don't thaink I would have attempted a train journey, certainly not unless lI had booked a seat. Maybe you are expecting too much too soon.
It does get better believe me.
Love Sarah xxx
Thanks Sarah. I've woken up today feeling like myself again, exercise, ice and repeat. I've also had flowers delivered for my mum. I felt better for seeing her so happy with them.
I just want to thank everyone again for their kind words, really helped xx
How terrible for you. Next time will be better. We all get emotional after such traumatic surgery. I can understand the fear of not getting a seat or maybe someone baning into your knee. It will improve slowly so don't beat yourself up about it.
Good luck & dont be pushed into procedures too early.