My 17 Year old son depressed. we live in the middle of nowhere in France with only 1 car which my husband needs to use for work. My son has no social life & is currently in the middle of 8 weeks summer holiday. He has only a few friends & none live with in cycling or walking distance. Until recently he spent all his time playing online computer games but in the last 2 weeks or so he has started chatting online to a girl who live on another continent & they appear obsessed with each other. He has told me that she is also very depressed & has been seeing a Psychologist for a year & is on meds. He doesn't want to eat & has lost 8lbs in the last to weeks. He's defensive & cries & spends all his time in bed or online. He is worried about his future. We are trying to sell our house here in order to move back to the UK for him to continue his education there. I know he is depressed as I suffer from anxiety & depression & have been on antidepressants for 11 years now. He is very like me with regards to anxiety also. He did the Goldberg's depression test & scored 66 which indicates sever depression but he refuses to see the doctor. the doctor will probably refer him to a Psychologist in the nearest city an hour away & I know he won't go. He refused to go when I thought he was addicted to gaming. I can't make a 17 year old who's taller & stronger than me do anything he doesn't want to. I know if we can get back to UK I'll be able to do more to help as there won't be a language barrier but I'm at at a loss as to know what to do here.
Hi,
I am in the UK and have a 17 old big tall lad who is a challenge at times so I understand it's hard for you to sort out...your right you cant make them do anything they don't want to...not like when they were 7 eh.
Listen, if he's stuck out in the sticks and it's not easy to get to his mates doing 'online gaming' is the next best thing for him. If he was in the UK I would suggest encouraging him to take up his favourite sport...dodge ball and rugby are the only two things that prises my son off COD!! But he isn't in the UK and, for now, that isn't possible for him so I do understand why he's down. So what can you do to help him now...in this situation..til you get a move?
First thing, is there any family member in the UK that would let him stay with them until you can get a move over? He is 17, it would only be short term until you get a sale, have a think.
Secondly...get him involved in the house sale. Ask him for suggestions in helping sell the house. If he can see your making a concerted effort to move it may help him understand he isn't going to be stuck there forever.
Thirdly...explain to him you wont be able to go anywhere if he dosent eat! He will become sick, end up in the hospital, and then that will put the sale back a notch...no one wants that...least of all him!
Fourthly...he's only 17 and he is not to worry about his future. Tell him he needs to work out what he wants to do when he gets home! College? If so what courses? Does the college where you will be living do the course he plans on doing? What qualifications does he need? Get him busy and involved in planning what he will do when he's in the UK...it's not far away now after all :-) That will reinforce the fact to him that it wont be long before he is home!
Lastly...can you do online gaming? Bet you'd love a go? :-) ahhum...anyway...ask him to move his PS or Xbox into the living room and teach you how to play gears of war or COD or which ever game he is into. Perhaps you could say your fed up too and it would help take your mind off things and really really mean it! It gets him out of his dungeon and he will be very busy no doubt getting frustrated with his mum 'just not getting it'
Hope these suggestions help, things will improve, you will get home...this is just temporary remember that.
Lisa
Thanks Lisa, you've made some good suggestions. I realise online gaming was all he could do stuck here in the middle of nowhere but setting his alarm to wake up in the early hours to play is not good. However, in the last couple of weeks he hardly plays at all, he's now says it's getting boring. I wouldn't be worried but it's such a sudden change & all he wants to do it chat online to his 'girlfriend' who he's never met in person. He has a lot of empathy & is caring so her psychological issues are bringing him down. He said he had another friend who he thought was suicidal & he spent time chatting online with her to help her. This is very noble & caring of him & it's nice he that he wants to help people but he's very sensitive & he worries about his 'girlfriend'.
I've spent the last year researching college courses for him but he doesn't have any GCSE's as he has been educated here in France for the last 4 yrs. So if he's not excepted on the courses he want to do then he will have to find a college that offers GCSE's & not just Maths & English which is all that some offer.
I have thought about sending him back to stay with relatives but my husband is against it, he says we all go together & it would be an imposition. My parents would have him but they will be away for 3 months from Sept & I wouldn't let him stay in there house on his own, especially not in his current frame of mind. He has always been very shy & introverted, much like I was, in fact I only improved when I reached my thirties & had my own children.
We are stuck here until someone buys our house, we had hoped to be back by September in order for him to start college & his sister to start in year 9. I blame myself for having the idea of moving to France in the first place but it wasn't done on a whim, I spent a few years looking into it but unfortunately it's turned out not to be the right thing for us, although the kids have done well learning French but neither of them are confident individuals & both struggle to make friends. The saying 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' is bullsh!t. You can't change your personality, if you are shy & lack confidence you will always be that way, all you can do is push yourself & make yourself do things & it does get easier with age but you always have doubts. Why did my kids have to take after me, why not take after their dad?`
Good afternoon,
I found your post and being French living in the uk at the moment, I felt I would drop you a line.
I am 29 and I suffer from anxiety and depression.
My story is different from your son's but I remember I was not feeling mentally well at his age.
The first thing I want to tell you is please don't blame yourself. I can feel that you deeply care for your son and this is not your fault. I hope you will be able to move in a less isolated area as soon as possible. Your son needs to meet new people, engage in new activities and find new friends. It seems he lacks of self confidence like me. I used to be extremely shy and introverted but I was recently able to give a speech in front of a public. He needs to find an activity that will help him build his self confidence.
I don't think he needs to see a doctor but he should find something that drives him. If you feel like he needs to talk to a third person, you could try depression charities and the pen pal system. Just be aware of depressed teenagers only forums, he needs positive help!
Is he worried about his future because he thinks he won't be able to achieve his goal or because he doesn't know what he wants to do? He is only 17 and has many options available to him, maybe you can motivate him to look for a career he would like? I think that if he is motivated for something it will help him feel better.
Take care of yourself.