20 years unaware

Mental health
1

I have recently discovered that for almost 20 years I have been what is called binging and purging. 

I'm in shock to discover that something I have accepted in myself to be "my normal" is actually a eating disorder.

I haven't binged and purged for the whole time non stop of course there have been moments of non purging causing significant weight gain and leaving me confused as to why I have gained weight, of course without the purge was bound to happen. I'm still very confused as this has all been brought alight to me after recently binging and purging for three whole weeks non stop after not purging for approximately 7-8 months with half the binge.

I have been feeling pretty low lately and I guess I've swayed all my worried just directly over to my weight causing the purging to start again.

I've come to terms with the emotional connection and the food connection and even the purging as to why I do it.

What I'm here to ask really is how do I convince myself to stop, the cravings for the binge are strong and the self discuss after and guilt and self loathe are to depressing to now stop the purge.

I'm ever so confused sad 

2

Hi Suzzie.

Thanks for writing, I feel your pain.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step.

Have you thought about keeping a mood diary? This can help keep track of why you end up bingeing.

And whether you are purging for another reason or whether the purging is symptomatic of the binges.

It's worth finding out how you were feeling at the time and how you felt afterwards.

Did you feel initially satisfied (e.g. after the first binge, were you satisfied, then did your emotions really kick in?)

This kind of thought process does take practice, but can be really effective (it's a form of mindfulness).

The other thing I'd recommend is thinking very carefully about planning meals.

I have been working through with my dietician for a while now and I trust him. I freak out over portion sizes and let him weigh me, because I trust him more than I trust me not to mess things up.

It's worth following guidance notes if you're worried about portion sizes.

Then planning out a mealplan for yourself.

Carbohydrates do eliminate binges and staggering meals through the day also eliminates binges.

Having a good breakfast fuels you for the day and helps to regulate your moods.

They say eat breakfast like a King, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.

Again, my feelings are, if you can only manage "x" for the time being set that as a goal and work towards getting that regulated and build up.

Also reward yourself for achieving these positive milestones.

I would try and get your GP to refer you to an e.d. service if that's at all possible.

If you can afford to go private go for that, but if not, I would recommend getting referred to a counsellor whilst you're working things out.

If you can get some dietitic input that will help.

Try and get yourself monitored physically by your GP too, and if you need more regular/longer appointments let he/she know.

Hope that helps. You can do this .

3

p.s. about your weight. Weight fluctuates a lot over a period of time, especially over a month.

You may have weighed yourself at your time of the month, when you retain a lot more water.

You may have felt heavier because you weighed yourself after drinking or eating a bit more normally.

I won't put any numbers on it, because it can be triggering but weight can fluctuate quite a lot over that month.

Think about what the scales are measuring. They are measuring a change of mass.

So that's everything from water, to food to the clothes you wear.

In order to gain weight you have to consistently be consuming more than the RDA.

If you are in recovery you will experience shifts, because your body is readjusting, and your metabolism may have slowed.

Try not to focus on the scales. Focus on the emotional connection and regulating the food.

The scales are a behaviour which is allowing your eating disorder to continue.

4

Thank you so much for the reply. You seem to know your stuff. I will start a mood diary, I like the idea of that. I guess it's time to pluck up the courage and go to the doctor  

5

Hi Suzzi, 

I hope you are doing well.  I do feel exactly how you feel, i am in the same situation. i have been bing eating for 4 years,.i have spoken to my gp and she reffered me to a specialist that deals with eating disorders.. at the beginning, i taught it was a complete waste of time, but then i have started to realise that it was very helpfull. , "talking about it"helps alot.  Suzzie, you are not alone, so stop beating your self up. keep a journal of what you eat, plan your meals ahead, and do excersices, group excercises are the best..i have started doing waterworkout, and trust me, it feels good afterwards. and also, keep busy, i am 100 kg, and dont feel ashamed anymore. i still bing eat from time to time, but not as before and hope it will go away forever.

take care and please let me know how you are getting on..