4 Months of hell, I don't know what to do.

Mental health
1

Hi, excuse the dramatic title but it really has been the hardest few months of my life. Here's a brief history of me.

I'm 34, never had a serious girlfriend probably due to the fact that I have "Phimosis" resulting in uncomfortable sex, so I've deliberatley and actively avoided having sex and entering into any kind of closeness with anyone. I have convinced myself with 100% certaintly that I will never had children or ever even get a girl....and I've been 'ok' with this for years.

I am popular, lots of friends, always had attention from people and am loved by my family and close friends. 

Earlier this year a girl (friend of 20 years) and I got together, extremely tentatively at first but good nethertheless and we started seeing each other. It soon came to bedroom time and sure enough, the inevitable moment arrived where I said "it hurts", I got the sweats, cried and we stopped (obviously!). She's the first person EVER to say "it's ok", so as a result I didn't leave, and she didnt either.

She is an amazing person and we've talked about circumsistion etc but he comes the problem. I've become obsessed with breaking up with her, I've become obsessed with "why don't I love her?", it's completely taken over my life, I have lost 2 stone in as many months, I get nervy with every text/phonecall from her, I get irritated with her for no good reason and I'm in a constant (ALL DAY) state of worry/depression to the point it now physically hurts my stomach. I have put ALL the pressure in the world on whether we should be together and I can't turn it off. It's all I think about. I cry between 5-10 times a day, sometimes more and it's time to do something to change this. I don't know what to do. I'm in therapy but it's useless, it's just talking. The girlfriend has suggested (yes, we've talked a lot about all this) CBT so I'm looking into that. 

Any advice would be welcomed.  

2

Hi are you taking any antidepressants? Sounds like you may have ROCD http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Relationship_obsessive%E2%80%93compulsive_disorder

I've met a couple of guys with this problem but never knew what it was called...

3

Hi Sbassman, It sounds like you have anxiety and low self esteem. Have you thought about one to one counselling, this is non judgemental and you will explore your feelings. Are you on any medication at all. If you decide to see this girl then why not just be friends first, don't think about sex at the moment, sex is just a part of a relationship not the whole of a relationship. Enjoy the cinema, go for walks or meals out. If you don't want to be with this girl then be honest with

her so as not to keep her hanging on. It's important that you sort your own

mental health. Have a talk with your GP. Hope this helps.

Elizabeth.

4

Thanks Elizabeth. I've been in one to one therapy for a number of weeks but it just seems like we're going round in circles, having similar chats each time. I'm off to the GP this morning actually to see what he says. In terms of Do I want to be with her?, should we just be friends? That's what I'm battling with and although on the face of it the answer looks obvious but we're both (and my other friends/family) are considering the possibility that my history (or lack of it) is determining my lack of actually being able to be in a relationship and this would be happening with any girl, not just this one. I know this all sounds quite petty but it's seriously time/mind consuming. 

5

Hi Sbassman, please please do press for surgical opinion.  To decide at this stage that you're resigned to a childless, sexless future is extreme and indeed this whole aspect may indeed be fixed by a 15 minute operation.  Irrespective of your fabulously understanding girlfriend, you do need to fix this for you.  Its therefore totally understandable that you're feeling you don't want to be with her, or indeed anyone.  Focus on getting help for your condition and be a little kinder to yourself.  Confidence will follow.  Xxx

6

Hi, I have had a quick look on google about Phimosis and understand better what your condition is, i am not a man so cannot really understand how this must be affecting you. You say you are going to see a GP today, talk to him / her as there is treatment for this, maybe surgical, but i am sure it would be worth considering so that you can feel normal again. Please look into this, do not feel embarrased as the GP's have seen and heard it all before. Good luck.

Elizabeth.

7

Just been prescribed Sertraline so I'm gonna give that a go. In terms of the circumcision, I've actually been booked in already but cancelled it due to bad timing. I am extremely busy so I'll need to shedule some time off next year. Thanks for your comments. It's nice to talk here. 

8

Hi Sbassman, I'm reading between the lines here, so please remember, I don't know you, I haven't a clue about your situation , in short, I know Jack  ****!  smile  However, why do I get the feeling that you've almost as big a fear of fixing this as you have living with it?  I can completely understand that there is a huge lack of confidence when it comes to this physical side of your life, but is there perhaps a fear that if you remove the actual physical problem, there may then be no excuse and hence additional pressure to 'perform'?    It is completely understandable, this has been painful and awkward for such a long time all those associations won't just disappear over night, but please be assured the majority of men are not (in my experience!!! , selfless athletic love gods.  The reality is far closer to a quick fumble during the adverts smile  But good luck, do start on your meds today as there will be a settling in time and plan to be feeling a lot brighter by Christmas, and please do make time to for your op.  If you need to do it as a single man, that's fine, take that pressure off yourself, but it also sounds to me that your girlfriend would be happy to accept a platonic relationship, be your friend, and be led by you as to the speed at which this relationship goes. Just keep talking xxxx

9

Thanks again Chris, The only way I can descibe all this is that I'm in a 50/50 choice. half of me thinks/hopes/wants to sort my issues which include sexual but also the very fact that I've been by myself my whole life. If this is the way forward, which I'm trying now I guess, then maybe I can be happy with her. The other half of my thinking is literally, she's not right for me. I'm torn. Because I'm only in pain when having sex and I've been sooo used to masturbation/porn etc that it doesn't seem abnormal or wrong to continue as I was by myself. The hard part is that she totally loves me and "has spent her whole life looking for me". I do obviously like her but if increasingly become irritated with her, with the city she lives in and I've not enjoyed introducing her to my friends etc. All these things were perfectly fine and nice at the beginning of our relationship which does suggest to me that somebody has got close and I've literally freaked out about it all. It could've been anyone...

It also doesn't help that I've been unhappy at work, I travel constantly and we only see each other a couple of times a week. We've been together 6 months only. The first 2 were nice, then I changed jobs and didn't like the change, that's when things started to go downwards. Again, hopefully, these are all reasons but what if they're not and I've just picked the wrong girl. It's eating me up...! 

10

Hi sbassman, oh my I feel your pressure just reading this! No your not crazy, and yes being the subject of a 'Ive been waiting my whole life for you' kind of admirer, is bringing me out in a sweat just thinking about it!   So do do take a step back, yes she is demanding a lot though she may not realise she is.  She has placed the whole responsibility for her happiness on your shoulders. Gulp! We know the next step is from going from being the long awaited love of my life to, you have ruined my life.  That is totally unfair on you, and quite possibly there's nothing you have or haven't done, to have escalated this.  This lady, as lovely as she is, may just indeed be a very dependant, possibly insecure lady.

Successful relationships seem to progress at the same pace for both people. You do both seem to be in different places, but the   "But I love you so much ! " .... scenario, is always one of the most difficult situations to deal with.  So take some pressure off yourself.  

Firstly, you're 34 and a bloke. The great news is you can, if you choose, have children into your 70s.  Secondly, you are not about to walk down the aisle, yet you do seem to be feeling the same pressures that an unsure bride or groom may experience.  Your not. There is absolutely no need for you to make any life long commitment today. None at all.  Thirdly, having difficult conversations with those close to us, causes even the most articulate and self assured amongst us, nightmares.  Difficult conversations are never easy.  However, you do realise that you do need to do something, or say something.  You do realise that something isn't right for you. 

I would write a letter to her.  We hate the phrase, I need space, but truly you do, just be careful you aren't prolonging a misery by offering false hope.  I do think this friendship needs to be put back to a friendship level.   The timing for romance appears to be all wrong for you, but perhaps stressing how important it is to you to have her as a friend is causing you such turmoil.  Perhaps you can't face losing her friendship, she clearly is a very close confidant, but her terms of the relationship seem to be romance  or romantically involved or nothing? Maybe ask her that question?  If she has got too romantically involved, that she can't bear to have a 'friends only' relationship, then sadly it sounds as though this isn't healthy for you at the moment.  Your not in a place where you can commit to romance, and it's as heartbreaking for you as it is for her? Her friendship and support means so much more to you at the moment.

In the meantime, please don't put off fixing yourself.  Make 2015 a year for you. Please please do follow up on your surgery options, do take advice from your GP, and it's going to be work, effort on your part, not just a magic pill fix. Of course you're more comfortable alone, (whoopee, look on the bright side it does all work) but if you can address the pain and awkwardness, you will discover additional joys in sharing intimate moments.  Take it slow, there's no time limits, but do ask yourself if you want to be typing this same post at 54?  Everything is fixable, just because something has always been that way, doesn't mean to say it has to always be that way.    You are young, there's so much to look forward to, stuff you can't even imagine today. But it's one step at a time and you can be the man you want to be, the man you admire, and the man capable of loving freely.  Take those first steps  xxxx

11

Thanks so much for all this Chris. I'll start the course of meds, try to persuade her (again) for some time out and I'll keep you updated! 

12

Oh Definately write her a letter Sbass, if you've already had a similar discussion you'll know just how persuasive the lovelorn can be.   If she's talked you round once, she'll be able to talk you round again, and there adds to your resentment and feeling trapped.  Im so sorry this isn't going to be easy for you, but, remember bad times don't last. As Churchill said, when you're going through hell, keep on going.   Certainly don't pull up a chair a linger!!!!  Also please don't think you're being selfish or self absorbed.  The greatest thing we can do is fix ourselves in order to be able to help others, and fulfill others lives.  First rule in an air disaster, put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping your own children.   I promise you will go from strength to strength, but it is a road that needs to be travelled and there's no short cuts.  You've taken a huge first step already, and that's asking for help, that's awesome.    Keep us posted and of course good luck xx

13

I think Chris's advice is very good and I would listen to it. Above all, take the pressure off yourself. Good luck.

14

hi from a female perspective. women like to hear our partners voices. ive recently gone through what you been going through not the whole down there thing but thinking should i be with my fella? hes too good etc i used to cry and get upset. what i come to realise i was doing too much. i didnt have enough me time. when i did see my partner we rather didnt talk or we argue. sex used to hurt me not as much as what your going through but what i found was if i took my time and used more lube it helped. i know your problem is more extent. take time off to go to your follow ups as the longer you delay the worse your situation will becomee.take little steps rather than see the big picture. i forgot what i wanted in the future and decised to look at now. i was ready to tell my partner to leave. but i woke up and thought its not him.it was work and everythign else. i cut down my hours from 60 to 45. i now get me time. i can do what i want and enjoy it. i get to see more of my partner. and yes im lucky to have him but he wants to be with me not no one else. so i know they want me for me. and dont pester him no more. i now go places with him walk round the area i live in,go city breaks. I used to be down all the time but i no longer give a dam about people at work there not my friends and would never socialise with them. are your feelingstowards your gf like this becasue you never experienced a long term relationship? could you live without her? im getting on but i can still have kids. enjoy the time u want. sort your problem with the doctor out first. take time of work on holiday to get it done. youll still have enough for the year. maybe go away with your gf. if you took your problem out the picture would you want to be with your gf? i hope this helps and good luck.