54 years old today and fail to understand the whole purpose of my life

Mental health
1

But also now with the knowledge of where and when my depression and anxiety began after it was told to me by my "loving " mother who wrote to me recently to say it was while carrying me when pregnant she was depressed herself , she was angry and bitter at my father for making her pregnant again (after the loss of the baby that was born before I was ).

She hated the thought of having me and didnt ant this baby , me.

All these years and she tells me this

I still have not reacted to this Due to other major issues like finding a new home so I can begin to start to work on my physical well being that is in a terrible state today.

I am finding Happy Birthday wishes in my facebook pages already and didnt want to react to these kind wishes, but forced myself to respond by saying OK.

I am no longer a quater of the man I once was, happy, vibrant, the laugh of the party, outgoing, travelling the world, loving the life I had finally found for myself after coming out as a gay man.

Instead being this particular day this letter from my mother seems ot overtaken my mind tonight and my thoughts.

And instead of feeling anything but numb about being born I am thinking why was I born at all .

Is this normal ?

I dont think so.

I am full of anxiety , I remain distressed daily if not several times a day, I rmeain fighting and searching for the answers to finding a roof for myself and my loving friend and carer before we are evicrted.

Life today is overwhelming and I am trying to think of something posative to say being the day I was born.

But even in trying to find some good to say, I feel like I am speechless.

And I dont want to wake up in the morning to hear Happy Birthday said to me.

I question what is a Happy Birthday today.

I have no one to go out and have a drink with, no moeny to do something nice.

I am wanting to think of something thats good and posative in my life right now

But I am left on empty with fatigue with infection that keeping me and making me really unwell, with the real possibility of needing to be admitted back into hospital for introvenious drug therapy.

I do not hate anyone, I do not hate my mum, I spent 8 years not talking to her it was only recently we began to talk again on the phone and this gave her the opportunity to tell me she didnt want me ever.

Life is so complicated and for me depressing .

Looking for something called hope and answers , not advice I have that coming out of my ears.

I am in contact with 23 different organizations who are all marvelous at giving advice and recomending more outside parties and even many of the same ones I have spoken too.

I hope I gen get through JUne 11 sane.

PJ

 

2

I am so sorry this is happening to you. When did you start feeling like this? It seems like you had a really good life before. I know it will be hard to overcome, but overthinking is dangerous. There really isn't a certain purpose in life other than the one you make for yourself. I find that one of the greatest purposes is to live a life that you want to live, and do what you want to do with it. Anything that makes you happy is worth doing. Don't lose hope, life is a great thing

3

What an amazing reply.

Yes it is hard but it has changed my though process this morning now I have got out of bed.

Thanks

PJ

4

Ozzie, the fact that you are trying to find positivity IS positive!!!! I have followed many of your discussions and am always in awe of how much you deal with, how graciously you deal with it and how you still have it in you to advise others and truly care. That, my friend, is positivity at its greatest. Be proud. You are an amazing human being. I have complete faith that you will overcome these troubles. Xxx

5

Thank you kindly Bird,

Sometimes in our life when we cant see anything good ahead in our lives we need people like yourself to remind us that we are ok.

Thanks

PJ

6

Any time. And yes, you are okay and you will continue to be. Some people just radiate goodness, I don't know you but I get a strong sense that you are one of those people.

7

I am 52 and all I can say is, that I have found turning 50 difficult. It's been a crazy ride so far. I am questioning too, all my past decisions and all my past hurts. Also where I have perhaps hurt others. I was also told that I was meant to be 'aborted' by my parents, but at the last moment they decided to keep me. I had no idea this had affected me in any way, until a few months ago when I started crying about it and could not stop. 

I have put it down to turning 50. A big milestone. One where you are told by media and society that you are getting 'on' getting old etc., 

Well I reckon that it's in my (not that capable hands) to turn this around for myself. Many people start new businesses at this age, get remarried, some have more children, some enjoy new grandchildren. Others leave their jobs and start ventures they have always dreamed about, become a writer or a therapist. There are so many good stories out there. Have I done this? Nope! The thing is I know it is really up to me in then end to turn my life around. 

Where I can tell people off I will, I can't tell my parents off since they are now late. I realize that they  had their own issues to deal with, that these issues had little to do with me. I can make amends to those I have hurt, I can truly love those people in my life that have meaning. (Trust me there are few since, I have moved country). There is life after 50, there is wonderous healing, magical careers and a better way of living, since we know what does and does not work for us. I guess I have to get there to, one day at a time. I hope this sharing helped in some small ways.

8

Thank you kindly for sharing some of your story with me , and understanding what I am talking about and where I am coming from, Like yourself I dont want to react is a neagitve way to my elderly mother who is 80 now and can hardly pick up the phone to anyone due to her shakes.

I cant get angry at her, i missed 8 years of having any contact with her because of that in the past and it deeply affected me , especially at those times I was facing life threatening health issues and lay alone in some hospital bed, with no one to hug me.

I will share what my oldest sister keeps telling me , she said this via facebook today to remind me again.

quote

"When I questioned mum abt it she said she hoped it wld help you to forgive her and allow you to receive healing for the rejection she put on you. We can't walk in each other's shoes and I personally think she was exhausted and angry at dad getting her pregnant as she was still full of grief. & guilt with Robert dying then pregnant with Lynda and suffering post natal depression when she found out she was having the 4th baby in 4 yrs. understanding these are all never enough excuses. I truely think it came outof a heart of wanting you to be free of anything she put I you as a mother. " unquote

" It really wasn't abt you as God planned you regardless of dad and mum he destined you to be. You are special and needed by him and me x "

"I hope this doesn't sound harsh or judgemental as that's not my heart. Just trying to understand mum and knowing her heart she wouldn't wanted to have hurt you. "

So this is what I am being told, my parents were disfuncional, both married depressed and went on to live ina depressive marriage.

Who I am to argue this , I actually knew it anyway.

But during this day of my Birthday now turning 54 I started to think what the room was like at the time of my birth, was there joy, was there anger, what actually was my own mother thing ?

Was it thank god thats over n done with ?

For me it is unimagionable to think a mother or father would speak so cruel to thier children after many years.

And as to why they need to share it is what I really question , is it for thier own selfish reasoning during the years and looking at us and saying to themselves where I have gone wrong.

Then suddenly blurting it out that they actually never wanted us in the first place.

What is this all about I question is it about them finding thier own healing and leaving people like us in our adult years who already are suffering with my distress or more questions.

For me it is not about being in my 50's as I look nothing like 54 yrs of age I still easily get away with late 30's.

For others it maybe about Mid Life Crisis which many men and woman experience.

I have spent the whole day so far in bed.

I havent been able to wash myself for 3 weeks or more.

I just feel numb and alone.

For the first time that freinds from abroad wish me Happy Birthday on facebook , saying I hope you have a wonderful day. year ect ect, I feel sick inside and go numb.

I find it hard to want to react and when I do i am negative and respond OK or maybe ect.

It then gives others an impression I am a loser.

Anyway

Like yourself we ev entually get out of this numbness and keep trying to move forward and get used to falling over while the world movers on and others become more n more distant and isolation becomes a lonely and unpleasant part of our life until there is eventually nothing , just me and my Maker.

Hugs

PJ

9

I hear you. I spent a year in my flat alone. Big fat depression. I made having a bath a day my goal. It seemed huge. Then I told myself go for a walk each day. It was a really small one, but I met loads of people on my walk willing to chat and share. One was a Christian lady and her words of wisdom held me together. I do hope you have at least one person you can share how you feel with. It is tough when you dont.