Want to share coping mechanisms and advice with fellow survivors and how to manage such severe trauma and its lasting effects.
i find journalling my thoughts and what has happened to me helps me cope, none of my family members acknowledge what went on and others choose to ignore it so i was stuck between a rock and a hard place for most of my childhood, it certainly wasnt one i can say was good or great, to be honest it was downright awful.
At a mature age, when my Father died, about five years ago.
I started to address issues which I'd kept hidden all my life.
It turns out, that I'm bipolar, I've been bipolar all my life, I didn't know it.
Genetic links, mother was manic depressive, childhood trauma, lack of any nurturing as a child.
All of this has added, or created my present condition.
I find this really difficult to say, but the abuse which was actual penetration abuse , At the age of nine onwards, By a very close family friend.
It was all my own fault.
So coming to terms with it is impossible
It destroys you
The perpetrator might as well kill you
Long term it would be much kinder
And it would save the victim a difficult job later
I had problems when young although now I am a pensioner and settled in a nice bungalow with wife and dog, I disapeared from my remaining family mmbers about two years ago and that has seemed to exersize the Ghosts of an unpleasent life that extended from being ten years old right through my life. I wished I had disapeared earlier in my life when I was in my twenties as my wife became involved in all its negativity.
All I would say is if you need to chat, fair enough I am here, generally with this sort of problem whatever the abuse was I feel that my drastic actions leading to disapearing worked with me. We had no children because of the activities of family members. I needed my final years to be hidden from all the negativity and spite associated with sibling rivalry and knowing all.
BOB
Consider what you want and do not look back, like me run to the hills, forget the past and trust your future.
BOB
Hi Mariish
Thanks for posting your thoughts and sharing those with me.
It doesn't have to mean the end, in fact quite the opposite, think of it positively as a period of growth and rebirth. Think of how you manage your thoughts, can you begin to analyse them and file away? What happended was in the past, the here and now is what matters, not even the future. Keep yourself safe and calm away from harm and negative places and people. Have you spoken to a specialist therapist at all?
Thinking of you...
And you are NOT a victim, but a SURVIVOR, you are strong and it was NOT your fault, you were a child and someone took advantage of your vulnerability, what you are living with now is the after effects of the trauma so please seek someone specialised to help through this period, you will get better, stay safe...
Bless you Bob, thank you for replying, I've been running away from it all my life! Now it is time to address the negativity left behind, the abuse has gone, but the after effects remain - well into adulthood, (I'm in mid forties now). I hope you are at peace and happy, your wife, dog and bungalow sound lovely and calm, you deserve such. When I can, I am going to set up a retreat, a calm haven for people to go and just 'be.'
Smile at the stars and sun Bob, they will always flicker back!
Stay safe...
Thank you Dawn for posting and sharing your thoughts, yes writing a journal is such a useful way to manage feelings and where you are at. How are you now?
Stay safe...
Thank you.
but
It WAS my fault.
I was clingy, needy, craved cuddles and love. A very pretty boy,
So I guess that I sought out my abuser.
If he hadn't committed Suicide, but was still alive, and he sought me out today, I would forgive everything, so long as he loved me.
I'm sick
I cry each day, for those for children being abused today.
This world is so
S
H
I
T
T
Y
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I still have good days and bad, Journalling helps me some days i cant write so i draw instead. writing for me gets it out of my head and stops it churning over. i cant change the past i can only move forward how i know best.
Doesnt help that certain family members still dont get it but i guess they never will. some drive me mad with what they say and how they act.
i will take care, always happy to talk if you need a chat
Hello Nicki
When you set up your retreat you know where I am
BOB
Abuse is not your fault! At any age, but especially as a 9yo child. You mustn't blame yourself. I hope you are getting psychological help with the feelings associated (shame and guilt amongst others). You don't deserve to endure the pain any longer x
Dawn I was near on brought up by one of our neighbours, it was in a way a surrogate family and in a way they were my real family I have real strong memories of them and when they died a great loss was felt.
I was fostered out I suppose the only difference was I lived with my family and that was not very nice.
I now look on my time with my alternative family as me real family it helps me with nice days out and tapping barrels in an old Public House that is now knocked down many years ago
BOB
Hi Bob.
Sounds very sad. you have wonderful memories and that is all we can hold onto in difficult times
Dawn sometimes I feel I did not grieve on this loss, I was so busy working to make a name for myself.
My family were very hard hearted and not allow me to grieve so I felt Ihad let the Surrogates down as by that time their family had accepted me as part of their family. It seems now to be really surreal.
Eventually I had no feelings when my direct family began to die and it was me who was given the job of talking to those who were palliative in outlook. My family would grieve I took sympathy to mean I had nothing to approach myself for and was able to walk away.and wait to the next family death.
Life is full of hard knocks and you only start remembering them as you get older. With family deaths my concience is clear. We move on and make new outlooks for ourselves
BOB
very true Bob
You need to understand none of these concerns are your fault and it is wrong you feel the way you do.
When we are children we look towards adults for our safety, Here it seems sad to say lacking. You were the victim and you should accept that and move on and live your live
Keep a hold
BOB
Thank you Bob
I'm taking everything it's been said to me in
I've also spoken to a lovely girl last night
She is giving me so much hope
Have a fabulous day
Mariish
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