Advice on maintaining a friendship

Mental health
1

Hi all

Any advice and ideas you can give me will be appreciated.

So I met a guy at the end of last year on a website. We messaged and seemed to connect straight away. Let me just say we were both married at the time, honest with each other about it and can honestly say it was a friendship first and foremost.

We messaged daily, got closer, swopped pictures of our kids, selfies, talked on the phone and seemed to just grow important in each others lives.

The guy told me he had bipolar from the start, was completely open about everything in his life in fact and shared things that i knew he didnt share with anyone. A couple of times over the first 4 months he had times were he said he was getting low but always seemed to be able to talk to me.

We went to meet up a couple of times.First time he pulled out at the last minute, told me he was afraid I would be disappointed in him.

Second time he crushed his hand at work the day of the night we were going to meet and couldn't drive. I genuinely believe we were both as eager as each other to meet and talked openly that night about our feelings. We realised that we had got really close and maybe meeting not the best idea, neither of us wanted to risk doing anything stupid.

We backed off but then realised we missed each other and our strange friendship continued.

At the end of April I left my husband (not for this guy) and coincidently he attempted to sort his marriage out. Again we agreed to back off from each other but it only last a few days. Although I was single by then, I would never have suggested he leave his wife, he has two small children, and yes feelings were there but it was never about physical relationship.

So mid May he went away to a wedding with his family for a week. We didn't message and when he got back he was quiet for a few days. When he did message he told me he had got really low, had had a mild psychotic episode, told me not to worry but that he needed time, that he cared but not to get upset if he didnt message as much and was seeing professionals and on a new tablet.

Here is were I guess I need advice or other opinions.

After it happened I read up on bipolar, tried to understand it. I still messaged him, told him I was there for him. Tried to carry on as normal with my daily messages even though I knew he wouldn't respond to them. And just in general be a friend still.

Occasionally he will message back with how he is doing, which is always - okay, trying to be normal as I can.

The only time over the weeks he has actually asked any questions is about my love life which he takes a great interest in????? (Jealous or afraid I'll move on)

So am I doing the right thing or should I give him space ? (He won't say either way)

Is this time scale normal for an episode? ( he told me before that his normally only last 2 weeks)

Am I the reason this has happened or at least part of the problem??

Is it likely that this will change him or when he is back to normal will we carry on as friends??

Is it that he just dosent care at the moment or even cares to much??

I want to be there for him but am afraid that one day he will just cut me out of his life.

Is it likely to happen?

I guess part of me wants reassurance and part of me wants to arm myself with information from people who know what he is going through

Sorry I just don't have anyone I can ask for help. My friends just think he is playing with my emotions and tell me to cut him out of my life. Maybe he is, but from what he told me I don't want to believe that.

Thank you to anyone who can help x

2

Stay away. Bipolars are notorious liars. My bipolar ex husband use to tell all untruths about me. In fact a prostitute he was messing with called me and yelled at me that I am a terrible mother and wife. I stink in bed so he needs to go get laid.. So stay away and don't believe one word.

3

Hi Claire I can relate to him alot.. I met up with an ex ..Ist time I let him down the next time I really pushed myself to go.it was nice. After that tho I started letting him Down again last minute because I did try to go but I couldn't. He stopped bothering with me after that, which I didn't blame him & in a way I was relieved. Having bipolar is really hard to socialise at most times. I think maybe sit back let him reach out to you now. If he wants to he will in time. I find bipolar a pretty lonely life which you get used to & dnt feel the need to have any1 in your life anymore. The meds I am on give you no sex drive at all, ?most Ad meds are the same .. so maybe that could be another factor.

I wish you luck

4

Excuse me that's not true at all... I never lie ..I'm to honest for my own good.. u shouldn't say things like that .. is he the only bipolar you know? Maybe he's just a born liar..makes more sence

5

Thank you for your reply Duchess

It must have been a horrible experience for you and maybe you are right and this guy has played me all along and I'm going to end up getting hurt. But I have to agree with Sharon maybe your ex was just a liar and the bipolar not the factor. Hope you moved on to better x

6

Yeah part of me know s your right Sharon, I've told him often enough that I am here for him. I think until now he has had a handle on it and this last episode has thrown him for six. I know that there are only a hand full of people who know about his condition and he keeps a mask up to everyone else.

He always told me how insecure and unloved he feels and how much pressure he feels under.

I guess I feel if I take a step back he ll see me as another person who dosent care but then when ever I message I wonder if he just sees me as another thing he has to deal with, along with actually just getting out of bed and trying to act normal to his kids and those around him who don't know.

We message on whatsapp so I know he always reads my message s pretty much straight away.

It's just really hard to care about someone when your not sure if they want you too

But thank you for your reply. Hope that life is treating you well at the moment x

7

Well my ex husband was a maniacal bipolar. His mania was so bad and lasted so long he was delusional. I read bipolars who experience this high intensity mania can become schizophrenic. Some bipolars tend to be depressed and mania only in short duration

8

Have you ever video chatted with this guy?

 

9

You, Duchess2016, are ignorant and sound arrogant, what a fantastic mix. Sounds like you ex got away just in time.

10

Well said pistal666

11

No I haven't pistal666 x

12

Sounds like a catfish. You seem to be a very carring person, be careful with sharing your feelings with this chap. The reason that he said that you might be dissapointed with him is because he is not who/what he says he is. If he's on fb, check out his friends list. If on the other hand he is genuine, the length of episodes varies from person to person. But I urge you to check out this guy properly  before you start to feel for him. If he won't video chat (I guess he has said he has no web cam, or its broken?) Ask for a picture with him holding a random object of your choice. I hope that he turns into a real friend, but please be cautious. 

13

Hi Clairem1436, you seem a lovely person indeed but how they said before: be carefully and be sure about this guy. Feelings are awesome but if they are for the wrong person can be tragic. 

I'm living almost your same reality (well not wife and children involved) and I see in your difficuties my own difficulties, this is why I really care to answer to you. 

Being present for someone is not easy, and I'm experiencing that being present for someone with a bipolar disturb, especially if at the beginning, it's even more difficult. Sometimes they just need their spaces because they need to understand how to react. Do not think is your fault, please. It's not. 

It's even true that the reality is that they need to want your help and sometimes they don't. 

My bestfriend is a bipolar and happens to him to disappear for days. In this very moment he disappeared since yesterday morning, when before he was more than present. Long story short: if you want to be there for him you need to accept this and the negative aspects of this. It's not easy, I'm still suffering for his lack of attentions and presence and his sellfishness and I still don't know how to react in the 90% of the situations. Be ready. Don't judge yourself. 

You told him you'll be there for him and I'm afraid there is not much more you can do.

I'm learning that stability is really important for someone with a bipolar disturb (please anyone fell free to tell me I'm wrong!) and maybe you jumped into his world bringing a little bit of instability in his family and situation and this is stressing him out. Any siuation is different though so don't take this like true, it's just a supposition!  

I hope both of you can find your own place regarding each other. Keep going being present for him even if sometimes this does mean stay away or being frustated: for him is more difficult. 

But please, going back to the beginning, check this guy! 

14

Thank you for your concern

I'm not really worried that he isn't who he said he is. Right from the start he was very open, so much so that I did do a bit of digging. And to be honest video messaging never really came up from either of us.

I think it's that openness form all those months that throws me now. It's like he has completely changed.

I am open hearted I guess that's why I haven't just walked away but I will try to be more cautious x

15

Same here. Exactly same here. From 4500 texts every day and dinners, lunches, pints, to almost nothing, except than when he feels lonely or down he texts me he misses me and now I know I need to be there in that moment. 

In a certain way he changed but he doesn't notice that, while you, outside of his mind, notice it instead. 

And I can imagine you feel lonely, armless, ashamed and you probably don't understand why he can do something similar. Talk with him, tell him how you feel. 

I decided to don't walk away, but it's difficult. Hope you will find your way to accept the situation...

16

Thank you

Like I said before I'm not worried about his identity.

But you made a valid point, I do blame myself for maybe saying the wrong thing, or that i make him feel worse.

And when I send a message does he even cares that I do or just sees it as an annoyance he could do without.

I try to not put any pressure on him to reply but it is frustrating when he dosent to something normal. Then randomly asks if I'm sleeping with anyone.

I think your also right about the stability in his life, a lot of what he has told me about his home life indicates it's the thing that holds him together and even though he seemed okay with us talking for a few months maybe it dosent help now.

I guess for now I'll go with my instinct, people's advice on here ( it really does help) and play it out for a few more weeks.

Hopefully if he dosent want me in his life he ll find the courage to tell me rather than just cutting me out of it.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. And you stay strong x

17

Thank you again

It does make it easier to know that I'm not alone.

I feel for anyone with this illness, to struggle like they do must be so difficult.

But it's hard to be a friend and to realise that being a friend to a bipolar person will sometimes mean being there and not getting anything back.

I genuinely think this guy is worth it. But I think I'll have to developers a thicker skin xx

18

Sounds like most friendships . I have no doubt you would be a good friend. Good luck.

19

Hi clairem.  After reading your post, my heart went out to you.  Im also really suss about this guys idendity & 'catfish' came into mind immediately.  Is he using mental illness as a tool to cover his own back?  OMG, seriously, the warning bells are ringing loud & clear on this guy.  I would be very much on guard if he refuses video chat.  You seem like a lovely lady, kind, thoughtful & caring.  So who is this guy who keeps running off to hide, finds any amount of excuses to bail out meeting you in the real & how old is this guy that wont reveal his identity? Is he a 'she'?  PLEASE be careful sweetone..   Ps; Im also bipolar & take an offence to a post you received   'Bipolars are notorious liars'??  Sad when people slam ignorance instead of fact..        Good luck hun.   Please be careful xx

20

To right pistal & well said..  Im bipolar & it appears that Im NOT the one who is 'DELUSIONAL' here Duchess!!!!!!!