Hello all. I hope my latest posting finds you all well, or at the very least It finds you whilst the battle is a little more managable.
I have been away for quite some time. Since around January, in fact. My anxiety lifted and with it a lot of the sensations did too.
For those who have not read my posts before: I have been battling boat like vertigo since Febuary of last year after a virus initially gave me the symptoms of woozyness.
I spent a year in a state of terror believing that I had a brain tumour which had gone undiagnosed and that I was silently dieing... It's quite a thing the see this process in writing. I am not all that proud of it, but I do try to be kind to myself... I had huge personal stresses during the process which literally made me spiral; both inside my head and out, I experienced brain fog, brain zaps, boat like dizzyness, shimmering vision and 'jumping' vision. At my worst point I would spend my spare time in tears, rarely venturing out and utterly unable to process what had happened to me let alone be able to even begin to understand it.
This year life events took a turn for the positive and slowly the feelings, thoughts and sensations fell away and I was able to begin to piece together my life. I dealt with the grief for a relative that I did not allow myself to touch upon during last year and slowly I began to 'defrost'.
I have been trundling along quite happily until the pattern began to emerge again and I my anxiety shot up. I began to wake at silly o'clock (this is a huge red flag for me when it comes to making my anxiety) worrying about various things. Sometimes I would even wake in a light sweat and would be unable to fall back to sleep. The anxiety began to steadily push into my day time and soon I began to feel tearful. The worst part is the emptiness, the feeling of being lost and alone.
Coming to terms with my depression has helped me.. But it isn't the cure.
And so I find myself a week earlier and with my eyes 'jumping' again. I go to the mirror sure that something is wrong and to my horror my pupils do not look perfectly equal.
I show my partner who replies that they look slightly different, but "only slightly."
I begin testing.. I used a torch to check for response and they seemed to respond okay.
Since this time I have grown increasingly petrified each day. My visual disturbances have grown worse and I cannot hold them back because I now feel I have a "physical reason" for them to be this way.
I've experienced eye pain and the woozyness has returned. I can't stop thinking about it.
I had an eye test last October. A very thorough test in which my pupils were dilated and every test was performed. My eyes were deemed as healthy.
Now I am so frightened by my current findings that I have booked another eye test.
In short, I am terrified that I will be sent to the hospital.
I don't know if I am looking for advice or just to write this all down. I am sorry for the long post as well... I wondered if anyone could relate in some way.
Thank you