Hey Jemima,
Just read this post, and felt my prev experiences may be of some use to you.
I went through alcohol detox last Feb, having been alcohol dependant for around the last 4 years, (actually, longer than that, but I went dry for 9months 4 years ago --- before that I had had about another 4 years of alcohol problems).
My problems with drinking started in my late teens -- I had a far from ideal childhood, it was pretty abusive - not so much physically (although there was some violence), more emotional and psychological. This actually culminated in my parents throwing me out of the house - I have no contact with them to this day, (which may sound terrible, but breaking all contact with them is the best thing that could have happened really - I dont believe I would be alive today if that hadnt happened) Drinking was a very easy way to chill out a bit, and forget all the crap that was going on around me. I very rarely started an evenings drinking with the intention of getting drunk, but thats how it mostly ended up. It was one of the only coping mechanisms I had (at that time, the other main one being cutting). I very quickly started to need, ie crave, that feeling -- when you can feel the alcohol working, and a curtain being drawn in front of your problems --- and \"so what if I feel like s%*! in the morning\". I never really craved the actual drink -- lets face it, most alcohol isnt the best-tasting stuff in the world, but I needed that crutch, to numb myself to the situation around me, (and also the situation inside my head!) I would smoke weed too, if it was around, although mixing the two is never a great idea, so I tended to stick to drinking mostly. Looking back at things now, its as clear as day that I was starting to become dependant on drink, but at the time, I just reasoned to myself that I was fine, in control, and this was helping me cope with things.
After a couple of years, I tried ecstasy, when I was about 20 --- and again, here was another thing that could totally take me away from the crap swirling around in my head, well for a night at least. It wasnt exactly the chilling out I got from alcohol, but it was another state of being \"away from myself\". However there was the matter of comedowns with ecstasy --- which I dealt with by drinking through them.
I went on for a few years like that, constantly drinking and doing other drugs, anything to get that feeling of disconnecting with myself, and forgetting whatever crisis was going on at the time. And I did have the little arguments with myself, all the time, like \"I'm not gonna drink tonight, I dont need it\" and yet I'd find myself walking on autopilot to the off licence on the way home from work. If I managed to make it home without buying anything, I couldnt relax - would be on edge - couldnt settle, so inevitably it would be down to the corner shop......
Anyways, to cut this already long story short (I do waffle a bit on posts, so apologies!) my depressive symptoms got worse, and then around my 23rd birthday the panic attacks started. I stopped doing pills, smoking weed etc, but contined to drink, more than ever really, figuring I just needed a bit more chilling out. By this time, I was up to around 200 units a week. Obv this didnt work, but I continued like this until last Feb (I'm 27 now). By then things were so bad, I was having severe panic attacks every day, and was pretty much suicidal. Finally, after collapsing in the street one day, I realised I needed help. I went to the local hospital, and got signed up with an alcohol rehab service, and finally managed to kick the drink. I've been dry ever since.
Anyways, thats just a little condensed history - and please dont think I'm trying to say that if you like a drink to relax, you'll end up an alcoholic, I'm not, I'm just sharing my personal experience/feelings with you. Now to kinda my main point (finally!) While I do know that it's far bett
:o :shock: 8) :?
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