I find the discussions about issues with alcohol are short lived in comparison with other discussions in this website.
People are initially supportive and helpful when you first post but soon after the connection is lost and you wonder why. I guess a number of us drop in and say they are making a new start. We mean well. Then, drop out, not being able to stick to what we said we would. It is hard to come back and say I failed.
I wish we could be more open about our struggle.
This is a British forum and regardless of the fact that many people in the world speak English, that doesn't make us all the same, we are some what more pragmatic than others, and we don't tend to like continually talking about problems if we don't see it moving forward.
There is a tried and tested method, using medication and most of us that have been through alcohol addiction realise that willpower alone will not do it.
So when people come on and ask for guidance, then ignore it, say something like, AA will get me through this, we kind of go, okay, go with that if that is what feels best. When it fails, as it does for most people, we have moved on and are concentrating on the people following the route that has worked for many.
We can only help people that want to be helped, those that want to do it their own way, are left to do it their own way. We are all different. But more than ever, we (most of us) have been through the depression and despair. We wnat to help people, but if they want to do their own thing, then we leave them to get on with it.
The above is not meant to be cutting, merely an explanation of why we tend to concentrate on the ones moving forward.
HI Mary, you are partyly right but do not forget that you can send private messages to members you really estimate or admire.I have done this sometimes over the 3 years I have been here. Robin
What a strangely broad statement from an extremely narrow mind.
Robin
private messages are great. I've been very glad of the ones I've received over four years. You've been a great support as has RHGB and many others. I'm still in touch with paper fairy via texts and the dreaded Facebook!
The other thing, having read your previous post again, was where people offered solutions or suggestions of solutions, you replied to them but ignored their suggestion.
At no time did you reply, yes I watched that or I read that or tell me about these solutions. By your own admission you have said that AA has not worked for you and from what I know about them, they are all for talking, in fact they encourage you to come to many sessions to talk about it.
So I don't know what you are really looking for, you're not interested in medication or certainly don't show any indication of, and you know that talking about it is not working. If you just wish to talk about it, the AA is ideal, they even pair you up with a 'buddy'. The trouble with just talking and not doing, it gets depressing, with the lack of improvement, it is why the AA doesn't work for most. Because it is a group of people failing to kick alcohol. Anyone successful in givng up alcohol would move away from the AA, because they would want to avoid negative feelings/atmosphere. So you are mainly left with others that are failing.
The most depressing time I ever had in giving up drinking, was a group therapy session. I looked at a group of people who had been battling it for years, using the same solutions and failing. The definition of insanity, is doing the same thing, the same way and expecting a different result. I wanted to try something different and I wanted to be successful in months, not years.
I view things differently. I find it very easy to fail, to say I failed, I can fail at anything I set my mind to. What I find harder, is to succeed. Now, you have to ask yourself, do you want to talk about it or do you want to succeed?
The above may come across as a little harsh, it is not meant to be, more of a gentle shake of the shoulders to get you to act.
I believe this is for two reasons.
Firstly, some post here in a panic when they are drunk and at their lowest ebb. Then the next day or two after when they become 'strong' again, they convince themselves that they don't have a problem and so just simply don't come back. That is just the nature of alcohol misuse issues.
Secondly, by the time some with alcohol issues reach a forum, they are often subject to being starved of attention by friends and loved ones who have basically given up on their promises too numerous to mention. That is absolutely understandable. They reach out to a forum and receive lots of initial attention and sympathy and offers/suggestions of help.
That's a wonderful feeling for many at times of despair.
However, many forums out their become a cycle of relapse/attention/relapse/attention.
Consider this: Someone in need of help will receive all the attention and sympathy in the world when they join. However, if they then take the advice and suggestions and get better, the attention and sympathy is lost as the other members (rightly) concentrate on the newcomer. How does someone in need of attention and sympathy get that back? Yes, that is right - they relapse and all of a sudden, then attention is focused on them again. And the cycle repeats itself continually..... One such forum is a 'stop drinking' forum on an international website that I won't mention. Seriously, every day the same old people asking for a 'badge reset back to zero' because they drank. And it goes on and on... doing the same thing that didn't work for them and somehow expecting it to be different, and it won't be different because they may say they want to stop drinking, but deep down they are really enjoying the attention when they relapse. They maybe don't even realise that this is not helping them!
Over the years, I've been on many alcohol forums with that exact need for attention, so I am not being critical of anyone. I, too, got stuck in that cycle. Some of the biggest forums out there are simply satisfying the needs of those who are desperate for attention. They subconsciously reinforce to a drinker that relapse is okay because everyone 'loves' them and they can try again.
The difference with this forum is that it is (mostly) free of that type of attention seeking because we have solutions and suggestions that work. Compared to other forums out there, this forum is small in numbers but seems to have a much better success rate of people moving forwards. As RHGB correctly says, we focus on those who are wanting to get better and showing that they are putting in the action to get better.
I know, for myself, this is because I simply don't have the time to repeat myself again and again to people. Once I have explained what worked for me, if they show no interest in pursuing even the discussion with a doctor about medication-assisted treatment, then I will leave them be and comment no further. It is not my place to continually try and impose my beliefs on someone else, and at that point if they approach me I will help, of course, but I will not take part in the relapse/attention/relapse behaviour because it ultimately prevents them ever trying to truly get better. I want people to get well. I have neither the time, nor the inclination, to play any part in their dramas. Alcohol addiction runs in my family and I lost my aunt during one of these relapses - she fell down the stairs whilst on a relapse and died. So, you can understand that I also have very personal reasons why I will NOT take part in activity that either reinforces relapse is part of addiction, or inadvertendly condones it by the actions of it's members.
Some people's lives are 'ruled' by forums. It's the first thing they think of when they wake, and the last thing they check when they go to bed. In the beginning, this is great becuase that connection is good. BUT, at some point, in order to recovery from this deadly condition, someone HAS to change something and put the action in. When that person makes that change, I will be right behind them 100% and supporting in every way that I can.
No not harsh, but very true.
I remember your group therapy session! I think if my memory is correct, you asked about other people's experiences. I hope I didn't put you off! Yes very depressing.
No Vicks, you didn't put me off. It was an experience, everything in life is an experience, it is how you learn and become a better rounded person.
Yes, it is interesting what you say about Brits.
All people want to be helped even the ones who would say otherwise.
But using medication to overcome your problem is only one of the options and we are all different. What works for one doesn't work for the other. Being open minded is also a British characteristic.
Thanks Robin. Do you mean you have been in this site for over 3 years?
Molly
Vickylou mentioned your group therapy session and I am puzzled.
Are you an alcohol therapist?
Look, I'll keep this short, you've tried talking by using the AA, you know talking doesn't work for you, perhaps consider other routes, that many of us have tried successfully.
As we would say, best of British to you, that means good luck.
I'm out.
Pistal,
I don't understand your statement as I don't
know what exactly you are referring to.
"Narrow mind" - I would also not use this kind of language
putting people down.
No, but I've been through just about every stage, from being hospitalised for a long time to going through doctors, the general medical council, the area prescribing committee, alcohol recovering charities and a group session.
I know what works, I know what doesn't by experience.
Thanks. Well done to you and that is the least I could say.
Last post before I leave the thread (unfollow). It means that your statement is wide ranging, really not covering anything in detail, or having anything to back it up. But from a very narrow viewpoint, that is very closed to other suggestions.
yes for 3 years. Robin
oopsMary..sorry 2 years and 4 months...not 3 years but I do enjoy trying to assist others although my message are often quite short....Robin
Thanks Robin. Well done for your abstinence and strength.
It is also true your messages are often quite short.
Tell us more about you and your struggle.
It couldn't have been that easy...