Alcohol dependent husband - I feel helpless and frustrated, what should I do?

General health and lifestyle
1

Hi, I have been together with my husband for 20 years and he has been drinking between 100 and currently 200 units a week. His problem became apparent when we started trying to have kids 16 years ago. We mutually agreed not to drink at all while we tried to get pregnant. I didn’t realise but this was impossible for him and he started to drink secretly and hid his alcohol. Fortunately we got pregnant really quickly but then I miscarried at 13 weeks and many more miscarriages followed and while I needed his support, he just drank more and more and I even had to drive myself to hospital every time I miscarried as he was to drunk to take me. I became more resentful and angry with him.

We now have two beautiful children aged 12 and 14. I never started drinking again after my pregnancies as I breastfed my son for a year and my daughter for 2 years and then I just felt that I needed to be there for them as my husband obviously couldn’t. Also, my son was born with Transposition of the Great Arteries and needed open heart surgery when he was 2 weeks old and he is autistic, I want to be there for him to support him when he finds life challenging and when he was little I always thought that we might need to rush him back to hospital at some point, so getting drunk or even just having a drink and then not being able to drive or act in a calm and sober way, just didn’t fit into my life for me.

I used to go to Al-Anon meetings but then it became too difficult because the kids were only 1 and 3 at the time and I coudn’t leave them with him in the evenings and I was working full time. The drinking continued but I think I became better at coping with it. Then my husband was made redundant and it became really bad. I used to come home with the kids at 4 in the afternoon and he’d already drunk a whole bottle of whiskey. He became increasingly aggressive when he got drunk. Fortunately he got another job and the daytime drinking stopped a bit. Then he was diagnosed with a stomach ulcer and he decided that we would only drink at weekends, but that didn’t really work because his weekend drinking just made up for the non-drinking during the week.

Unfortunately then he was suspended from his new job and then he had supply teaching jobs but was fired from 3 (he told me he didn’t know why he lost these jobs but I think it was because he turned up drunk for work a bit too often) and then he decided he would go and teach in Kuwait in 3 years. It was like I got the husband I always wanted or thought I had married. He sobered up completely because drinking is illegal there. For the first 2 years he did really well. He used to be a waist size 40 and he went down to a 34. In the last year he found ways of getting illegal alcohol but obviously he still drank a lot less than he used to.

Now he has been back for nearly 5 years. He struggled getting a job but then got one at the same college I used to work. Unfortunately he was suspended again after a couple of months. Now finally he has a permanent job again and managed to keep it for just over 4 years. He keeps very much to himself at work. He doesn’t have any work friends, seldom goes into the staff room and just goes, teaches and comes back. He struggles keeping awake during the day and drinks an enormous amount of coke on the way to work as he is always tired and has a bottle of mouth wash in the car so he must have some awareness that others can pick up on his drinking. His sleep is very disrupted as he passes out so early in the evening he gets up at 12 or 1 when I go to bed and then watches TV till he falls asleep again. We seldom sleep in our bed at the same time.

Since lockdown started he is drinking 200 plus units a week before it was about 100 - 150 a week. He’s gone from size 34 to 48 now. His mobility is very limited, his legs are really swollen and sore. He finds walking difficult, he is only 43 years old. He does not acknowledge that he has a problem at all and I don’t think he ever will. He used to apologise when he wet the bed which happens frequently but now he doesn’t even do that anymore. He usually starts drinking at 4pm now and is passed out by 6 or latest 7. We eat dinner about 5:30 or a bit earlier. By that time he has already had half a bottle of whiskey, then he drinks a bottle of wine with dinner and sometimes a couple of beers to finish off with. He drinks all this in less than 2 hours.

The evenings he doesn’t pass out are more difficult as he is keen to pick fights with the kids or me. Anything you say can turn into a huge aggressive argument, so we (kids and me) just avoid him and don’t talk to him once he starts drinking in the afternoon. It is just safer and easier that way. Also he doesn’t remember anything you discuss with him when he is drunk, we could have the same conversation every evening.

I don’t really know what I am getting out of this relationship anymore or why I am still with him. I suppose I am waiting for some kind of miracle to happen that will make him realise he can’t go on like this anymore. I know that if I would get divorced I would fight for sole custody of the kids and they wouldn’t see him at all. I keep thinking once the kids have moved out I’ll leave as well or maybe things will change. In the meantime I keep busy with work and friends and I make sure I am out every evening either going to Pilates, swimming, horse riding or running. The kids are busy too with clubs.

I usually work from home but when I am in the office 2 days a week, the kids cook their own dinner and when I get home at 7, my husband is usually passed out by then and the kids have bathed and are ready for our evening routine of story and bed before I head out again. I never leave before I have put them both to bed and make sure my friend who lives 5 minutes away or my neighbour are available should something happen, like him having a fall or … I used to feel trapped and feel like I coudn’t leave the house in the evenings that’s why I started running and for the first year I just ran around the block, so I was never far away. I don’t spend any time with him at all, on Sundays we used to spend the day together but we are limited with what we can do. The kids and me are quite active and like being outdoors and he doesn’t really enjoy that but we try and have a family days out. Unfortunately we then end the day by going for a meal and it is always difficult getting him home then as he is usually very drunk. The drinks bill is always more than the food bill!

How long can he go on like this till his body will finally give in? From this list Effects of Alcohol on the Body about 80% of the symptons already apply to him. He seems to have a guardian angel, he has fallen so many times in the house, passed out on the way home, slept entire nights next to a road in a ditch and has never come to any serious harm. I have no idea how he makes is home in one piece some time but he does. How he drives every day to work, he must still be over the limit in the mornings. Am I really stupid still being in this relationship? What am I waiting for? Has anybody been in a similar situation and did it end well? Is there any hope at all. I hate failing and I feel I have failed terribly at this. I tried to help him initially but now I have just given up and we don’t discuss his drinking at all anymore and I don’t get upset either anymore I just ignore it and get on with my own life.

2

thank you for sharing your story in such detail. I would strongly advice you to get out of this unhealthy marriage and take your children with you. He isn’t adding anything positive to your life or your children’s, on the contrary, he is setting a horrible example to them. If you don’t rely on him financially do yourself the biggest gift of your life and get out and start your own healthy and positive life on your own with your kids NOW. He probably needs to lose everyone he loves and abuses to see the issues he has and make a change. I think you have given him too many chances and clearly there is a pattern he wont break. Desperate situations take desperate measures. Where is his family in all of this? his parents? siblings? or friends?

Id like to say thing will improve soon but based on what you say about him i doubt this very much. Life goes by in a heartbeat, don’t waste the good precious years you have left with your kids and your youth in such a toxic unfullfilling environment. Three words: GET OUT NOW!!!

3

Gosh, what a horrible situation for you and the kids to be in. I am so sorry for you.

The situation he is in is NOT his fault (this condition is a progressive medical condition) but it IS his responsibility to sort it out. There is lots of help out there but he absolutely does have the desire to want to get healthier.

Please note, unless their is a medical reason, wanting to get sober is NOT a requirement in getting help. It could be that a medical detox might (probably) be required, but from there once he has all the alcohol out of his system, then there are many options. Getting sober by medical detox is straightforward - staying sober at that point is not. Stats show that around 90% will relapse within 4 years.

If he is willing to consider getting healthy again (as opposed to using the word ‘sober’) then the next step for him would be to consult with a doctor who can check his health out. There is a medical treatment called The Sinclair Method that can help bring his drinking down gradually, over a period of months. A doctor will need to check if that is suitable for him and his health.

However, if he is not willing to take the first step to getting healthy again, then you need to make a decision because the situation is only going to progressively get even worse than it is now. He will have no ability to stop this level of drinking without some medical checks first. His brain is going crazy, craving alcohol.

I would suggest a book to you called Beyond Addiction by Jeffrey Foote. It is a wonderful book for loved ones of drinkers and will give you lots of information as to how to try help your husband initially, but then also how process your feelings and what to do next if he doesn’t respond. You’ve endured a lot, with many years behind you, and if he is not at least willing to get help then, in my opinion, you do need to consider yourself and your children especially.

Sadly, no-one but you can make the decision as to whether to leave him or not, but I would most definitely suggest having that plan formulated. By that I mean, planning and writing down exactly what you need to do first, who will be involved, which organisations can help you. Get that all planned whilst you are making one last attempt at helping him to understand he needs support, and then you will not be floundering it the worse happens.

Take care.

4

Hi Inka,
I haven’t really got anything to add to Cheska and Joanna’s replies except to say that your post makes very sad reading. This is no life for you and your children and I am speaking as the child of an alcoholic parent. The damage that my father’s behaviour caused us has changed me as an adult and ruined my childhood.
I would seriously make plans to leave although I know that’s much easier said than done.
As Joanna said, he is the only one who can stop himself drinking and it doesn’t sound like he has any intention of giving up. It’s very sad though as he managed to do so for 2 years while you were in Kuwait so surely he can see how much more pleasant life was for everyone when he was sober.
My heart goes out to you Inka, and I’m sending you strength and warm wishes and hope that what ever you decide to do will be beneficial to you and your children.
All the best
Claire xx

5

I’m so sorry. Ask him to go now. Make sure He understands that you are serious about, but you have the kids to think about. Make sure you divorce him legally too so He knows that He run out of chances. He only can chance His behaviour and you must keep away from His dark spiral otherwise you are going to get hurt.
I wish you all the strength you need.
Choose Life. Be happy.

6

I also say this to you because I am also the child of a severe alcoholic. My mother was an alcoholic almost her whole life (she has passed away now) and she had me while drinking in her mid 40s. When I was born my father was in his mid 50’s, after 3 or 4 years since i was born he saw that my mother made no change or improvements to stop drinking that after a whole life of being married and despite never wanting to divorce her before I was born even if she was an alcoholic he decided to divorce her and raise me alone in central America. He made her go to Germany to live close to her family as she put my life in danger several times ans was a bad example. My father (rest in peace) raised me alone since i was 4 years old. He retired early from his successful career to dedicate his life to raising me. I am so blessed and thankful that i cannot remember my drunk mothers horrible episodes and the things she did to me while drunk. I thanked and will be grateful to my father everyday of my life for raising me on his own and divorcing my mother so i could have a healthy and beautiful childhood. :heart:

Please think about your children and don’t put them through hell if your husband doesn’t want to improve. They only have ONE childhood and they are already at an age where they can understand what’s going on around them. Please be a mother first and then a wife. I know it’s not easy and this is an illness, but he has to want to change, he has to want to get help and stay sober. If he doesn’t think he has a drinking problem then he is far away from starting that change, and believe you me it’s a long, hard journey if he even wants to have 1 shot at being sober.

Unfortunately I inherited my mother’s drinking problem but to a lesser degree. I do relapse from time to time (binge drinking) but then i can go months without drinking and i don’t miss alcohol when i don’t try it, thank God it’s not as bad as hers, but unfortunately i feel like she cursed me for life with her alcoholic genes. I am thankful that i never had to see her or endure a difficult childhood with her drinking because if not i think right now id be much much worse.

Please think about yourself and most importantly about your kids. Be strong, one day they will thank you for it. They only have one shot, one chance for the rest of their lives. Xx

7

Thank you for your reply and sharing your experience as a child as well. Yes I know you are right and I feel quite pathetic and stupid that I am still in this relationship and haven’t changed anything. Think lockdown is making it a bit worse as I can’t physically escape. Just had two horrible evenings of verbal abuse and then he wet himself on the sofa just now. Good thing I am there to clean it all up as he doesn’t even do that! What am I doing?! I am so busy at work at the moment, feel I don’t have the headspace for this. Not in a good strong place at the mo. Usually I am much more resilient.

8

Thank you Claire and I am so sorry about your experience as a child. I would like to think that my kids still get some good experiences out of the sober times during the day but those moments seem to be getting less and less. Our life seems quite “normal” till the afternoon when the drinking starts. It is like he has a complete personality change then.

I don’t even know how to start with getting divorced. We have spoken about it before and he has made it very clear that he would make it very unpleasant and be very unreasonable. The most logical thing would be for him to move out and get a new place for example but I know that he would not do that and I would have to move out with the kids. That would be really difficult for my son with his special needs. Such a big change would be very challenging for him. He thinks he will stay in this house even when he is an adult. :slight_smile:

9

Thank you for your advice. Hopefully I will find the clarity and courage to do the right thing. I think I was hoping that there would be at least one reply from someone who had a positive outcome. There used to be a lady in my Al-anon group whose husband sobered up and things worked out ok. I think I am hoping that I don’t have to make a decision at all that he will bump his head or have a bit of a health scare or something like that and then he’ll realise that he can’t go on like this, but I suppose that doesn’t really happen, only in my dreams. :frowning:

10

Hi Inka,
I was thinking about you over the weekend.
Have you had a chance to sit down with him and tell him exactly how his drinking is affecting you and your children’s lives? He needs to hear some home truths and if he is willing to accept that he needs to make changes now and that this is no way to conduct his life, then maybe it’s possible for you all to make some progress. If he won’t listen and is unwilling to admit that he has a serious problem then I fear that there will be no change in your way of life, and believe me, your children WILL be affected.
I realise that this is so overwhelming for you at the moment but you really must think long term and work out a plan to get yourself and your children out of this dreadful environment.
All the best Inka and I hope you are OK.
Claire xx

11

Thank you for all your comments. I have felt awful lately. My son got Covid from school and my husband and myself caught it as well. I was really worried about my husband with him being severely obese and alcohol dependent. I voiced this to my mum in law and she didn’t even listen to me! Unfortunately he still has not recovered and it was a very scary time mostly because he drank even more while he was so ill. It was terrifying to watch and really difficult because I didn’t know if the symptoms or behaviour were Covid or alcohol related. There were only two days he didn’t drink because he was actually vomiting. He did go and pour himself a drink though and then realised that he couldn’t actually drink it. I had to ring the ambulance twice, once because he struggled to breathe and his oxygen levels were really low. They assessed him and sent him home again. I was hoping they would keep him as I was really struggling with looking after him while I was not feeling too well either.
Then last Sunday night his mum rang him but he was so drunk that she couldn’t get much sense out of him so she rang me and implied that I was letting him die! She insisted that I ring an ambulance and have him checked out again. I did as I was told. He was abusive and horrible to me and the paramedics. Really cross with me for ringing the ambulance as he thought my intention was to get him into trouble for drinking. The paramedics confirmed that his symptoms were all alcohol related and not Covid related and he was actually getting better but they also explained that he was delaying his recovery by drinking and that he had a lowered immunity due to the alcohol consumption. I explained all this to his mum and told her how sad I was that she would accuse me of not looking after him and that I cannot physically stop him from drinking. I also said a lot of things that I should have said ages ago. They have never supported me and the children as they are in complete denial about their son’s problem. It does not fit their perfect narrative of their life. I also told my mum in law that I was planning to leave with the children because I cannot watch him literally killing himself anymore! Her implying that I am letting him die just brought home to me that I don’t want to be his next of kin anymore and I can’t witness this anymore. I will not be held responsible for what he does to himself. I don’t want to be part of this anymore.
I feel really sad with this decision, like I have failed and given up. The last few days I couldn’t stop shaking and have felt physically sick. I have made an appointment with a solicitor to discuss my options and the implications of just moving out. The appointment costs a fortune and I don’t even know if I really want to get divorced. Moving out is really expensive and not very affordable but I just don’t see any other options. I am facilitating his drinking, he can have a fairly normal life and keep a job because we (me and my two teenage children) clean up after him, keep him safe and sort him out every time he does something stupid, wets himself in bed or on the sofa, passes out somewhere unsafe, falls etc
Has anybody gone through a similar experience? Can give me some advice or hope maybe?

12

Your story is so heartbreaking but I commend u on so many levels for putting this out there and explaining how true and real it is. I’m an alcoholic myself but been sober for 3+ months and come from both sides of my family being alcoholics. It’s a terrible disease to witness but especially for ur kids. I have a daughter myself and I couldn’t imagine her witnessing all ur kids have seen. My twin brother just had a liver transplant last month after being diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver 1.5 years ago (alcohol/hep) and he’s still recovering. I hope u find the strength to move on and take care of urself and ur kids. All of u deserve better and I hope ur able to find that.

13

Thank you for all your comments and support.
A lot has happened. I am actually separated from my husband now and my husband has joined AA and has been sober for nearly 8 weeks now.
Shortly after my last post my husband was drunk as usual one Friday night, he was verbally abusive to me and my daughter, 13 years old. She got very upset and he wouldn’t leave her alone. Then my son 15 years (who is autistic) thought that my husband gad physically hurt my daughter. He thought she was bleeding and he lost it and attacked him to defend and protect his sister and me. My husband hit back, they were both were completely out of control. My son had been so angry with the situation and his father lately. I called the police as I couldn’t separate them and didn’t think either if them would stop. I managed to get my son away from him finally and we hid in my daughter’s room, my son holding the door closed till the police arrived. Then everything just happened from then. My husband was removed from the house for the night, next day he returned raging mad and i called the police again who told me to move out to safeguard myself and the children. For 6 weeks we lived in different AirBnB’s and rented accommodation. I told my husband that I was getting a divorce. He then joined AA and slowly became more reasonable. At first he refused to move out to let me and the kids stay at home. I didn’t want to go through with a non-molestation order as we were finally talking again. The children refused to see him. Then he finally agreed to move out for a month. Bow he has agreed to move out for 6 months and is working on step 4 of his AA program.
I don’t know whether I still want to get back together. I just know I need time at the moment. The kids have started counselling and do have I. I don’t think he understands the hurt and damage he has done. Finally, 2 weeks back in my home. I feel so relieved and free and safe. The kids are really happy. It is stressfree and calm at home. They see him once a week now with me. I don’t miss him, I don’t know what I am supposed to miss. He is keen to get back together. I wish I had more clarity about how I feel. Seems ironic, finally he sobers up and now it seems too late. I always thought him being sober was all I wanted. Now I don’t know what I want anymore.

14

inka i too wish i could help. this is a incredible difficult life changing situation. situation. its normal to feel so confused. this illness is incredibly sad.
alcohol use disorder is like a tsunami that sweeps in , wipes everything out in its path , leaving nothing but heart ache in its wake. nothing is sacred . my heart goes out to you, your children and your husband. he needs to be in a safe place , is he under a doctors care? can he maybe live with his parents. he needs to be careful as he is at a vulnerable point could relapse or even worse. i am so glad you and the children are receiving professional help. keep us posted.
sending prayers to you all.

15

hello their
I wish for you that everything becomes normal in your life.
Not much will I say about the mental issue you are going through, it’s all a game of mind.
When I used to stay in hostel during my education life, I got used to cigarettes, my family didn’t know anything about it.
I took the advice of many doctors, but it was not easy to quit cigarettes.
And after that a very serious incident happened with me, which I cannot tell, but that incident broke bad habits.
That’s why everything is controlled by the mind, it has to be taken care of, and then everything will be fine.

16

you can also see in this website treatment for depression (Dealing With Depression: Mild Depression Self Help)

17

Thanks for detail. You also sound long suffering. Has he really been there at all for you and your kids ?

Your husband is a life long Alcoholic. Some very alarming signs, loss of jobs were likely because he was either drunk or had an explosive temper due to a hang over or simply wasn’t performing. Was also taking big risks by driving the next day. The part about going out for a meal struck me. I used to binge drink at weekends and would go out for a meal, but on the way there I would be thinking about what beers they had and would order 2 pints to get me going as soon as we got there. Most of talk with my GF I would be distant, just thinking of the beers and will I have enough in the fridge when we get back.

Now onto some health issues. I used to drink 2 or 3 or binges a week, 40 maybe 60 units. At 38 years old I started getting heart burn, I just put this down to getting older and popped Rennies and carried on. After one particularly heavy binge I woke up the next day feeling like crap. My stomach was swollen and felt like it was going to pop and was burning, my colon was aching, my ears were ringing, I was dizzy and so fatigued I couldn’t make it to the toilet. For a couple of days I drank water and kept an empty coke bottle to urinate in by the bed, because walking 8 meters to the toilet was taxing. When I ate something it would come out a couple hours later like it went in but with some gold looking stuff. I lost 2 stone in the 1st week. I did some checking on Google and to my horror it could be Cirrhosis of the Liver ! I was freaked out. I went into over drive, hours of manic reading and anxiety so strong I couldn’t now sleep, its a grizzly and horrific death. After 2 weeks I eventually got to the doctors, told them I think booze caused me to be ill. They did Liver tests which came back normal and they were not that concerned about my units, told me to cut down some what. I got diagnosed with Gastritis and an infection . I still felt like crap, so to be sure I got an ultrasound and that came back normal. All in all it took 18 months for me to feel better and put on weight again. I might just have a weak constitution, but booze was the main factor in me being so ill I am sure of it.

I learnt a lot of stuff about Liver disease and your husband is at high risk of it and wont find out until its at the point of failure and at that time its pretty much too late. Its usually a slow decline full of very unpleasant symptoms (Ascites, H.E.) or a huge bleed out when the veins attached to the Liver burst. Cirrhosis is a “silent” killer because the Liver has no nerves, you wont feel damage. I remember a Liver doctor saying 2 bottles of wine a day for 10 years is enough to get End stage Liver disease. Some people can get it on half a bottle of wine a day, rare though. There is Wet Brain risk, Acute Pancreatitis, Acute Alcoholic Hepatitis, Kidney failure, Colon Cancer, Stomach Cancer etc. Some of these are Acute and can kill painfully and very quickly and there is nothing Doctors can do. The amounts your husband is drinking will mean he almost certainly has an inflamed Liver and probably other organs. You need to get him to a doctor to assess the damage he has done, there will be some if it hasn’t gone too far he should be able to recover.

18

Ralph..Very nice read about your AUD. You have describes a lot of the health risks with long term alcohol use.
Another part of Alcohol Use Disorder is of course the brain control . It can be the the brain signals trained by years of alcohol use that alter the character and personality and that alcohol is the main thought of every minute of every day. This is the meaning of addiction.
In order for the addiction to be interrupted the brain signals must be interrupted. This is where treatment begins and ends. A professional that is trained in modern day addiction is important . This is not a moral weakness , this is a disease of the brain and body.

I am concerned if you Ralph have been able to control your binge drinking long term? You didn’t say. Left me really concerned about you. I really hope you have found a better place . From what you wrote you are very bright, understand the health consequences and can help so many others with AUD. Stay healthy, happy and laugh every day.