Alcohol user disorder??

General health and lifestyle
1

i have a friend who I'm 99% certain has AUD. it's like looking at myself 20 years ago.

We meet once a week, or rather should do, but she often cancels at short notice and gives the excuses I used to use. When we do meet we usually go for lunch, either a restaurant or pub and share a bottle of wine. However, the last few times, she's ordered a second bottle, even though I've said I've had enough. She will either go to the bar suddenly or grap a waiter for a second bottle, and always finishes it. Sometimes I will have another couple of glasses, but normally don't.

She always has a bottle of water in her handbag (mine used to be v&t instead of water!) She always wants the loo several times whilst we're shopping, and at restaurants (again one of my old tricks, a quick top up) She always wants to try clothes on. I've tried saying "leave you're bag with me whilst you try on, "but she says no I'm fine with it.

Ive tried suggesting coffee shops instead, but she normally says the food is too expensive! and she's forever sucking mints or ghewing gum.

My question is do I stop pussy footing about and just come straight out and ask her? She knows my history with alcohol and the problems it caused me and my family. I've even said I don't want a drink, i don't want to go backwards in the hope she will say something.

I would be interested in any suggestions anyone has, but after re-reading my post have decided I will say something. If she doesn't like me asking then tough. I only wish someone had tackled me earlier

2

This will be a huge test of your friendship. I don't know how close you are, or how tactful you can be, but has you have been in this situation yourself are probably the best Person to talk to her about your worries. If nothing is said, then things will surely worsen. At least this way you have made an effort even if it does fall on deaf ears. The important thing is not to belittle her as I'm sure you know. Your post shows that you are a caring intelligent Person and you already know what to do. Maybe if you wrote what you want to say in a letter, that way, if things get heated or she feels uncomfortable, you can just give her the note to read at her leisure. I hope things go well, keep us Posted, maybe signpost her to this site? Best of luck, AL

3

Your last sentence answers your question.

4

I agree, vickylou.

But be aware that you are looking to plant seeds at this point, as we all know the initial reaction may well be denial and/or embarrassment.

If this is the reaction you receive, don't push things.  Let the seed be planted in her brain and by not being too pushy, you are leaving the door open for her to mull it over and then come back to you if she wishes too.

If you argue, or the situation feels uncomfortable for her, because you try to keep the conversation going, then it may put a barrier in the way of her feeling like she can come back to you about it.

5

Thanks

am seeing her for lunch today. New tapas restaurant has just opened and she texted me to say she'd booked a table without asking me! . Was going to say I'd got my grandson so couldn't make it, but thought what the hell go for it. Will post later the outcome

6

All great replies. Yes, your last sentence says it all x

7

Oh VickylouI hope it goes well..I guess really it's as to whether she will be in complete denial as the others have suggested .I have a friend who confronted me a few months ago.I think she was suspicious as we were in recovery together a long time ago and I never speak to her about alcohol We have both been sober for long periods but at different times .Anyway when she brought the subject I told her I had a couple of drinks occasionally but she just kept questioning as to why and what solace did i find in it so it got a bit heavy .I found it very confrontational and went into complete denial .She never sees me have a drink so I can avoid the subject .I have never told her about the nalmefene just because I feel I can't and know it would be criticised

Am sure it will be easier for you with your mate as you will both be having a supp so it might (might ? ) soften it .You know what you are going to do because you care so much and also you know so so much of how it feels especially that desolate feeling of swigging a bottle in a loo ! You are offering her a lifeline ..bless you xx

8

hi Vickylou. We are curious as to how the Tapas Bar went today and i think that you should confront her and explain why. You are the expert and see yourself. I would do that personally....best of luck. Robin

9

Hi Robin 

It did not go well at all, but ended up better.

i arrived at restaurant to find Julie (not real name) sitting at our table with a bottle of prosecco chilling and an almost empty prosecco bottle on the table.

i didn't say anything to begin with, just poured myself a glass. Ordered starters and whilst waiting I said "what's with the two bottles, you're knocking it back a bit these days aren't you?" She just said she was enjoying it as it made her feel better and helped her to sleep. Had starters then started talking and she was getting louder and flirting with the waiter. We both speak Spanish so luckily the other diners who by now were looking our way couldn't understand what she was saying.

after we finished eating I just (probably as I'd had two glasses) said i don't want to offend you, but I think you're drinking too much and also it's becoming a problem. As we all expected she said she hadn't a problem and could stop if she wanted to.

she then said she wanted liqueurs and called the waiter over. Must have been my lucky day as he said i think you've had enough madam, there have been complaints from other diners. She then stormed out and muggins was left with the bill. To my horror it included 4 gin and tonics she'd had before I arrived. I paid up, apologised and left, totally embarrassed and went to find her. Knew she would be in a wine bar and eventually found her. Totally wasted and buying drinks for everyone. Managed with help to get her to the taxi who refused to take her. I ended up getting my son to collect us and we went back to mine. Won't go into the gory details of vomit and bodily functions, but it was horrible. Rightly or wrongly I phoned her husband .

He came, we checked her bag, full of receipts for booze, and neat vodka in a water bottle. He'd asked her loads of times if she'd been drinking, but as I said to him we can be quite clever at hiding bottles and lying.

we have the same gp and I managed to get her an appointment tomorrow morning. Her husband will go with her, and if necessary get her into private rehab, his idea not mine.

shes now home in bed, husband just phoned to thank me and he had found 18 empty litre bottles of vodka. He will let me know tomorrow how she gets on. I've told him not to be surprised if she refuses to go or admit it's not just a one off.

unfortunately, he thinks two or three days off the booze and she'll be ok. Ended up telling him my story with AUD. he just wants it swept under the carpet without people knowing.

will post back tomorrow with update. He was reluctant to tell her gp, but when I explained about the dangers in sudden withdrawal he agreed.

10

OMG you were so right Vickylou..Thank goodness you hung on in there ..What a pal .I suppose it's just a matter of wait and see now...I do feel for your mate but she is lucky she has got a good friend in you ...it must have given you the horrors by the sound of what you say 😶x

11

It did nat, it was horrible seeing her like that. I said earlier I was embarrassed, that's just me being selfish. what the fxxk that's nothing compared to what she's got coming. Been there, got the tshirt etc.

Intrigued by the ages of the regulars on here, you don't have to answer, but I'm 55, how about you. Think you're a lot younger

12

Ha ha bloody hell I wish! 😥.65 is me oops no I.m 66 had another one of those birthday things in Jan lol .It's funny as we can only make our minds up by what we read ..I thought you were prob mid 30's but realise not now as you just told me plus you rarely have 8 yr old grandsons when your thirty something 😄😄😅

Yep you know the hard road your friend is on now ..I wonder what turning she will take .We.ve all been there , my ex used to ask me why I kept going back in the boxing ring for more ..that was when he felt like Mr high and mighty , the rest of the time he wanted me as a drinking partner at any cost . He went out of the door along with booze many yrs ago....trouble is the booze snuck it's crafty way back in recent yrs but am dealing with it ! I feel so blessed to have found this forum abd such a great bunch of people x

13

"Intrigued by the ages of the regulars on here"

Well, I remember you calling me a mere baby (by PM) when you found out that I was four years younger. Paul has stated his age on the forum and he is about the same age as me, 51. Joanna mentioned her age (in a PM), so I can't mention it, other than to say she is a youngster.

I think you will find that there are quite a number who are older than you. But I was always taught that it was rude to ask a lady her age.

14

'Ha ha bloody hell I wish! 😥.65 is me oops no I.m 66 had another one of those birthday things in Jan lol'

Look on the bright side. A free bus pass, free dental care, free prescriprions, your old age pension and your winter fuel allowance.

When you get to 75, you'll even get a free TV licence.

15

I'm no lady, you should know that by now!

I am interested in how long people have suffered with AUD. my worst period was in my late 20smwith three kids under 5.

Off topic but have you heard of a tablet called RU21? Paper fairy texted me about it. It was on This Morning a couple of weeks ago. I googled it and it just seemed to be a load of strange ingredients. Supposed to be very good for AUD? Am sure she is taking it and is doing really well. Someone else I know is convinced milk thistle is fantastic. I'm very sceptical about these sort of 'tablets', but then that is just me.

 

16

Just looked at RU 21, it is a hangover supplement, made up of vitamins. AKA snake oil.

Milk Thistle has not been shown in any clinical trials to help with AUD or repairing of the liver. There have been one or two cases where it may have helped with certain specific conditions of cirrhosis.

The fact that no hospitals or related enviroments give this to patients gives an indication of its efficiency. Generally, thiamine, vitamin B compound strong and folic acid are the prescribed vitamins to help people suffering with alcohol problems.

When you are in hospital, they will generally give you Pabrinex vitamins and to make sure you don't suffer problems with it, they will give it to you IM instead of IV and it is painfull.

17

What a story and what a good friend you are!! Denial is big and silly. The husband must surely know how BAD this is. Well done! Robin

18

Thanks Robin. For an intelligent person in a very high powered job, he had little knowledge of aud. Their image of the perfect couple who've got the lot seemed more important to him! He wanted to know if she would be ok to attend a function on Saturday night and he'd make sure she only had a few drinks, yes I know unbelievable. Will let you know how today goes.

19

Thanks for that info. Thank goodness I don't get hangovers these days and no hair of the dog needed. Nothing is worth feeling like that again, for me anyway. You seem to be doing very well with the occasional drink. I admit I'd often like another after a couple of glasses of wine, but then remember how that crept up.

20

Oooh I love my little bus pass when I go to the big city , such fun my pal and I are like two excited kids. Free dental care ? no no no !