Alcoholism and "real" friendship?

General health and lifestyle
1

Hi all,

​I already started a discussion but that was two years ago.

​But I found the link:

https://patient.info/forums/discuss/help-no-road-back-with-my-alcoholic-beat-friend-325140

​Basically, I have a very close friend, that I have known for nearly 9 years.

It is like a father/daughter relationship, especially in public.

(full details in the link).

​I am separated from my husband two years ago. Since the separation, things have excalated dispropotionally, because my friend thinks that I can be his secrete girlfriend.

​In return of babysitting and stuff (Im studying to become a student midwife), he wants physical contact with me, since we see each other everyday, etc. he wants something back. Anyway, it can only gets worse with my studies as midwifery studies, like any other health studies are very tough with long hours and night shifts...

​Anyway, it has escalated into a fight when he was p*ssed. since then, I am really scared of any time he has a bit too much.

​So i accepted his arrangment just because I didnt want any more fighting. we had sex 2-3 time during that period. i dont remember.

​Over this last year he has less and less binge drinking. so its is easy for me to forget how he is.

​anyway, this spring/summer, things got bad with my ex husband and he had a letter of deportation from the Home Office. i wont go into details but the reasons are on my side, as him, being African, he is a "family member of an EEA national" (Im French). They found a point of law in the EU law. this came right on the result of Brexit (same day).

It depressed me so much. we will fight it to court because he is seeing the girls once/twice every week.

​Anyway, all that put a pressure financially.

​My friend decided to help. so in order for me to save money for the tribunal, he is helping paying the fees of the preschool, my online course etc.

​So all is well, but then out of nowhere he always wants to have something in return.

​As i was in such a state after this HO decision and Brexit, and then the 14 July tragedy in Nice, I thought that nothing could be worse. so i accepted it and twice again, this summer we had sex.

​Then out of nowhere, this sunday, he got p*ssed over the day, when I was away with the girls and their dad.

​In the night, he started texting, with "do you love me?" as a starter... At midnight. we texted for 3 hours. since then, in the morning, as usual, he texted as if nothing happened. I told him to leave me alone. since then nothing.

I have had enough!

​I want my life back. These past two years has been crazy. okhe helped me with my studies and stuff, but should I accept what he wants? obviously not as I dont want to.

​It feels Im not like a mother, because I put my child to school then with the other Im straigh to his house, and do anything together, somethimes, I drop my second to his so i can study etc. then we eat dinner together, and i come back home at 6. These last 2 days, Im happier, just because Im home and things on my own.

​Sometimes it feels like I had lost control of my life, but i dont know how to say that to him when I appeared happy all the time.. except when he asks.

​I dont know... I dont really know what to do>>>

​He loves me but I dont love him back. He loves me so he wants to do everything to help me, so i let him but Im suffocating.

​This friendship isnt going anywhere...

sorry for the long text..

 

2

Whatever happened to his criminal charge?

Has he ever struck you again?

What are you doing with this man...still after a year?  You need to find a way to survive and find another babysitter for your girls.

This is not a healthy situation.  Your kids are at risk.  You may think they are too young and not being affected by this siutation but they certainly are.

I was in a domestic relationship for many years and I really didn't realize what it was doing to my children because I thought they were too young to know anything....they are so messed up now because of my choices of #1 staying in a relationship that was bad for ALL of us and #2...drinking myself almost to death.

You have realized that you are in a bad situation for over a year.  

You are technically using him to watch your girls.  It appears you do not live with him (since in previous posts you say he was calling you at 5am).  

The only choice I see...if it were me...is unfortunately putting off my studies if I had to ....to keep myself and my children safe from this man.

You say he is your best friend.  He is not in reality your best friend...he is using you and your situation to get what he wants and you are using him to complete your studies.

His drinking really has nothing to do with the choices that YOU are making to stay around this individual.

 

3

I see it like this.

CUT ALL TIES with him immediately for the sake of your children...no matter what it takes.  You said you can do anything you put your mind too.

The safety and well being of your children is at risk....end this.

4

no good Caroline and yes you have to cut all ties to him like Missy suggests..hard to do for certain and I wish you best of luck. Robin

5

I'm just not sure what answer anyone would expect for this post.

I'm assuming you just wanted to get this out and talk to someone...but no one is going to say...

Hey..this guy is wonderful....you should give him a shot.

I didn't even agree with any of the coddling responses you got last time you posted on this subject.

You need some tough love in this area.

I'm sorry but abuse is never ok or excusable...and your daughter is suffering from this.

And I really hope there is no sexual physical abuse going on with her because as Dr. Phil says...there is a high risk for kids when they are around someone who is not biologically related...especially someone who seems to have such an obsession with sex.

 

6

Caroline, both misssy and Robin  have given you excellent advice. I can only agree and suggest you follow their advice. There's nothing really I can add, this relationship is totally unhealthy and you're putting your daughters and yourself in danger.

7

Thank you everybody for your messages.

Yes I wanted support and advices from people outside of it.

​The last time we texted was monday morning, since then, I have been silent, and him too.

​Now i am just a bit worried in case I cross him somwhere as we live quite close, about 10-15 min walk.

​I would have to text him at some point as he has some money that belong to me, although it can wait for a bit.

​we have each other's keys too, which is a pain. now I double lock my door just in case.

​But giving some more days/a week, and I will say there is no road back now.

​It is tough as we have known each other for 9 years. I was 21 when I came here, Im 30 now. He helped me a lot from the start,  to get settled here after my job as an au pair ended.

But as I said it got badly from when my husband left 2 years ago now.

​Maybe Im using him too. I dont know but I can manage things on my own. Actually I crave for it, as it felt he was mothering all of us, depleting me of my role, and at times, I found it hard, especially with a childcare work experience (au pair+ nursery nurse). I wanted to do many things with my girls, not being limited into his walls and ideas of untertaining toddlers.

​

​He was a great help when I split up with my husband because it was a tough period.

but then, whats the price for all of that? Yeah Im grateful for his help when I can study or volunteer (important when you wish to apply for midwifery).

​But it was his choice to help me. I never forced him to do that.

​Im quite happy to do all by myself, and I will actually be proud of it.

​these last two years, I have done 5 GCSES in the space of 6 months, and an Access diploma to higher education (equivalent to A levels). I ended with plenty Bs, just  few As. but some unis require plenty more A, so now Ibasically top up my grades, with an extension Access that Im doing for 5 months.

​I applied for midwifery last year, but even though I got interviews, I didnt have a place. Im going to reapply again, to start in Sept 2017.

​At the moment, it is ok without his help, as I can study in the evening (online studies), but being a student midwife is completely different. Im totally aware, he wont be able to help, even though he said he will. my best bet is to have an au pair but I have time to think about it. and thats if I got a place (harder than medicine!).

​anyway thank you for your reply.

​i ve been stupidly naive with men. thats it...

​What do you mean by "you need some tough love in this area"?

8

as for the criminal offence, well, the case was dropped because not true, but basically it was a woman accusing him of sexual assault and rape.. they were both completely drunk, and she lied as she was talking to the policemen (well I know I wasnt there) but I know the woman, and she makes up lots of stories when drunk, like being trapped by a terrorist, etc etc. and all the tests proved she was wrong. these two cant see each other now.

​this event was so tough for him, as the justice takes a long time, and he kept thinking maybe he did, maybe not, for so many months, since he had no remembering of what had happened. I helped him a lot through that period. well both of us knowing very well that he could have done it, but the tests proved otherwise...

 

9

after that event, he slowed down on the drink, and he barelly had any binge drink since then. in fact, just one, when a closed friend to him commited suicide last Christmas.

​after that he had 2-3 drink episode, without being useless for days, but enough for me to avoid him like hell when it happens. the problem is that he is so obsessed with me, its insane... no anyone, just me.

10

I have to talk to somebody around me too. because it is tough.

​im really stressed about bumping into him now. I have to think about what to say and be clear.

​we had so many fall out like that, but each time we forgive each other (him certainly with drunk talk, and me for whatever, walking away etc.), but it must not happen now.

​The problem is, people around us, many believe that he is my dad, no second though about it, so they understand why we spent so much time together.

​So i hvae to, first explain, that he actually isnt, then all the rest...

11

Many people stop talking to their parents if there is good reason.

Just tell people you can't discuss it...that it is too upseting for you....

12

ok Missy. sounds simple but true! i will tell that to people.

​I replied yesterday to your messages too but it doesnt follow the flow of the discussion. people need to scroll the page up.

13

yes, I hate when the responses do not fall to the end of the conversation...I don't like searching...LOL.

Im very impressed that you are willing to change your life by eliminating him.

tough love = not telling you what you want to hear but telling you what you NEED to hear even if it seems uncaring.

I do not in any way mean to sound uncaring...quite the opposite...I have lived in some awful situations and one close to what you describe...

I have felt like I have owed someone something because of what they have done for me...and it is no way to live.

And this person as with the person in my life..is not OWED anything...they make their choices and we make our choices.  

Some people are in our lives for a reason...it is very well true that this "jerk" was in your life for a reason and obviously not meant at the moment to continue in your life...it has become unhealthy.

I am glad you have the means to DO WITHOUT him.  Make sure you do...because your life will get so much easier...some things may be harder as you disconnect from him...but you seem like a very strong woman..and you CAN do it.