Alone and scared all my life

[nh_user_1386823]

I’m 55 male, married, children and from the outside successfully living the dream. Yet inside I am broken. I cannot remember a time where I didn’t feel scared and alone.. On a good day it can best be described as numb or ambivalent.

I am dyslexic… Self diagnosed at about 22.
I have IBS… Diagnosed in my 40’s
Lately I have begun to wonder if I’m somewhere on the spectrum.

I was a fat kid, not blessed with good looks. I was considered “stupid” or “slow” at school.. When I started secondary school my IBS caused me huge issues (explosive an uncontrollable voiding) which to this day has never been mentioned. As you can imagine, I left school as soon as I could and have avoided associating with anyone who could have known me or who may remember me. “the boy who used to s** t himself in class”

Whilst I have left the stigma behind (nearly).. I have no friends, and no life outside work. As the thought of retirement beckons I am becoming increasingly scared that I will have nothing… I don’t particularly want to die, but I really don’t want to live.

I often wish I could just stop, to fade into the background and cease to be.

My home life is a joke… My wife despises me (oh she says she doesn’t… But actions speak louder than words), my “lovely house” is entirely her… Every stick of furniture, all the decorations, all the ornaments are hers and what she wants… Nothing of mine… I may as well be in a hotel.I am last in the pecking order after the pets… I’ve let this happen, she denies it if raised… And TBH I don’t have the energy to change it… Nor do I know what I’d want if I had the option anyway.

I dream of a divorce… But am terrified of even raising the topic and the consequences.

I just drift along, supporting the family, doing things I asked, keeping everyone happy… But that’s OK because left to my own devices I’d just cease…

I do seem to spend a huge amount of time dealing with other people’s problems ans being a shoulder to cry on… But if I have even the slightest problem it’s either dismissed or I get rebutted/rebuked.

Although I earn 6 figs, I spend the bare minimum on myself… Sale or “cheap shop” clothes… No matter how much I earn, there’s nothing left at the end of the month for me.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this or what I want to get out of it… Just wonder if anyone feels the same way.

[nh_user_998356]

I am so very sorry that you are going through this Chris. and very glad that you reached out to us on this forum. The feeling of being truly alone it’s just a depressing awful feeling as I know it myself.
your needs are not being met at all. You sound like a very caring man and, my heart breaks for you.
i had a similar childhood in that I was extremely shy in school , never talked, and the more outgoing kids sometimes took advantage of that. I hated going to school and just wanted to be at home with my mom.ended up marrying somebody who verbally abused me for many years. I did end up getting a divorce after 26 years.Felt really lost , Anxious and depressed after that. But enough about me.i’m sure that others on this site will respond to your message also.
have you ever considered getting some counseling for how you are feeling? I think it could be very helpful for you! It really truly helps to vent to somebody else who has the tools to help you. you have a lot more living to do and the counselor can help you in doing that. Don’t give up on yourself! You deserve a good life that brings you some joy, peace and happiness. Even after once you retire, you can find some the things you enjoy doing even if it’s by yourself or possibly make some friends along the way . There are so many groups you could join, even online or in person. there are groups for every person now and any interest you may have.
. also, some people get involved in volunteer work in areas of their interest such as animals, kids, you name it.
One thing that helped me a lot in my depression was getting out and helping other people! I volunteer and help kids who are disadvantaged and help them with math, reading etc. it gives me a purpose in life!
People volunteer at churches, food pantries etc.
ITS Time to start taking care of YOU !!you have a purpose in this life so be a fighter for yourself. !
you can do this whether you get divorced or not. Please keep in touch with us and let us know how you are doing! We are here for you POSITIVE MIND SET!

[nh_user_631390]

hi chris, i have purposely ignored the big as sound doesn’t explain what people are like! you sound desperately lonely! in a room full of people you can still feel unbelievably lonely. there’s no easy cure for loneliness, except for going out there and fighting for lack of it. it sounds like you need new supporters who are going to be there for you, as a person the way you are! you have courage to speak out, you obviously want support otherwise why would you write on here. find out who can support you depression (caused by loneliness) and dyslexia as well as your IBS, which on its own is tough enough to manage with. good luck.