Am I depressed, or is this normal behaviour?

Mental health
1

Hi, this is the first time I have ever written something like this, ever told anyone any of these feelings. Although the internet isn't the best way to get help, I felt a reliable place like this, where I still remain anonymous, would be a decent starting point. Please excuse any use of slang, or misuse of grammar, I am only a teenager!

I'm 15, male, and have had a very fortunate upbringing with a loving family and great resources and options, but recently have started questioning, what is it for? 

All I hear every day of my life is that 'I should treasure my youth, the best days of my life,' and other things very similar to that, but ultimately life as it is at the moment is pretty dull and worthless. School lasts from when I get up, until I get home at 6pm, where I then have to do all my homework, not sparing time for anything fun, besides playing on games or watching TV for 30-60m. Saturdays are wasted at sport fixtures with school, and Sundays I have to get up early for church, so I spend the whole afternoon in bed recovering from the week.

And then there is the social aspect of it all. At school although I am performing highly with expected all A* at GCSE, I am not considered as a nerd or geek, as I am also pretty good at sport, being in the B team for my 2 main sports, one of which has 5 teams, the other 4. But ultimately I have a problem with being angry, and whenever I joke around, it is usually aimed at another person without me realising. Although I am usually polite, and a few people see me as being very kind (due to the fact that I don't bitch about people behind their backs), I find it really hard to make new friends, as I am not very outgoing. I much prefer spending time on my own than going to friends' houses, and although my crude, targeting humour is enjoyed and treated as banter by my long term friends, all new people just think I am not a nice person.

This was sort of when I started questioning, who actually likes me? More and more of my friends are getting girlfriends, and spend their time discussing stuff like that, but I am not among them. The reasons I don't have one, in my opinion, are just because of my personality and appearance. My larger stature that once made me popular due to my atheleticism, is now hidden by my ugly face, which looks terrible enough already without the addition of the spots, and my targetting humour is now not appreciated, and just annoying, but it is me, something that I can't change without no being myself. My social reclusiveness has slowly increased recently as a result. I shunned social media to begin with, and now I never ask friends to come round to my house, and often am hesistant to accept their offers. Life itself has become pretty boring, but I have never turned to anything bad due to my upbringing, which has sort of turned me into a goody-two-shoes of sorts, which has further alienated me from others.

But, despite being sporty, I don't enjoy sports, and despite being clever, I don't enjoy working. This leads me to the question: 'What will having a job be like?' People always say in school that you should do what you enjoy in your future career, otherwise you will hate your job, but what if there isn't anything that you enjoy? Are you automatically going to hate your job? And if your job is most of your life when you don't have many friends or a partner, are you automatically going to hate life? Is there any point is going on? If life is like most things, surely the best option would be to quit whilst you are ahead? 

Then I started thinking about suicide. When I say that, I do not mean I thought about doing it, I just thought how much would have to go wrong for it to be something I would do. This led me to my last question, and one which constantly gnaws at me. Who would actually, properly care, if I were to kill myself? After first asking myself this question I cried after first realising (and tears come to my eyes every time) that the list is only 2 or 3 people. My brother used to be my best friend, my role model, but has slowly drifted over the past few years due to A-levels, and his jobs and trips in his gap year. Now, with him going off to university in late September, I feel like I have already said goodbye to him, and he has to me. He is the maybe. Then there are my parents. My dad has been another role model to me, someone who still jokes around with me, and likes me for who I really am, likewise my mum, who has always been there for me is another key person who loves me. I feel like it would break her heart to see me go, and that instantly makes suicide seem like a selfish option. Lastly, I want to add God. Atheists may or may not understand this one, but I feel like I am letting him down. He gives me skills and abilities, and I just act all socially awkward, and I feel I wasted what could have been an amazing opportunity for most. I feel my christian faith has been the main thing that has stopped me from self harming. The other thing that has stopped me from self harming is the fear my mother will find out, which would make her either hate me or hate herself.

I feel if my mum wasn't still with me for whatever reason, I would be up in heaven with her right now, having jumped in front of a lorry or whatever the best way to go is.

I am writing this to ask whether or not this is normal. Do people often go through times of questioning at this age? Do people often doubt themselves? Am I just being wimpy with these opinions, and should just man up like everyone says you should? And whatever the diagnosis is, how can I turn my life around so I can enjoy it again at least once before it ends?

 

2

At different stages in life we questions ourselves and oour lives.  It's normal part of developing which we always are.  If you're really struggling then you should speak to a counselor.  Are you bored with everything?  Are you at a point where nothing you do or engage in stimulates you in any way?  Perhaps you questioning your self esteem.  I wouldn't immediately categorize yourself as depressed unless you are really feeling unhappy, low mood and low functioning.  You should speak to someone.

3

Hi, you have decided to write on here and I applaud you for doing so because this shows you want to improve your self esteem and feel happy again.

Your next big step is to plan where and when you can sit with someone you trust and tell them what you have just bravely told this site.

Can you think of anyone you could speak to ?

Maybe a relative who would listen to you in confidence or a teacher .

Depression can sometimes slowly creep up on us without us realizing and my view is we begin to dislike ourselves and become our own worst enemy ....you sound to be a kind caring and intelligent young man .

Please make arrangements to talk ....it wont be easy but I'm sure you know anything worth doing is never easy but you CAN do it and it will be the beginning of feeling happy within yourself ....I wish you well.

4

Hello mate,

If you feel it would do you good to speak to someone but don't have the nerve to approach anyone to to embarrassment or whatever reason,why not call the Samaritans,you don't have to give them your real name or any personal information,it would probably do you good to talk with or just have someone to listen.I just looked up there number,if your in the UK 08457909090 and have a think of something that you really like to do and go do it and try cheer yourself up.

5

Hi Nasher

Your situation is rather like mine when I was your age. I guess you are in the middle class rat race - parents and school pressing you to work hard and play hard for your own good - to get a good job etc.

I too missed out socially, but I did not question it as you are.  That shows your intelligence, not depression.

It is a question of balance:  how much should you forgo pleasure in order to get a better education and job?   And who should decide that - you or your parents?

I cannot decide for you. One thing to bear in mind is that at present you are under extreme control.   When you leave school and when you leave home you will have more of a say in your own life.   Then, if you do not enjoy your situation, you can and should change it.

If it helps, I wish I had not had to work so long at your age.  I am glad it enabled me to get a good job, but sad that it did not get me a good marriage.

Best wishes.

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6

Nasher, Well I hate to tell you this there is no knowing the path of your journey, that’s what makes it so awesome! in life no magic answers and often we need to learn from mistakes and what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger etc etc. I am not an expert but have life skills and I think you are generally normal infact you kinda remind me of myself at that age always wondering what life would bring me, would I get a job given I didn’t exceed expectations academically would I find love the normal questions you are living an important period of your life right now pretty tough one ! The questions about suicide well take it from me you don’t want to go there even thinking about it is not ideal your young and clearly successful and you will have a big future I know it!! Your mum dad and your brother love you it just may feel like they don’t sometimes…. the signs are not always clear! Stick it out buddy things are not actually that bad your just growing and like your body grows so too your brain and there are stages with growing brains emotions running hard slight issues with other things in some cases! If you really want comfort talk to a doctor/psychologist open up and let them know how you really feel no secrets that way you will get the proper treatment if any, same with your family let them know how you feel after all they would do anything for you! stay positive buddy things will get better promise!    

 

7

Great post,stevo,nasher take in all this good advise

8

What you're going through sounds more to me like an extistential crisis. Although you may not be depressed now, many crisises do lead to depression eventually. To be honest, I've thought and discussed many times over all of the topics that you've mentioned, since I've basically gone through what you're going through right now. I will say that these kinds of questions are extremely common in teenagers, or anyone trying to find themselves or what they want or expect from life.

While dweling on these ideas for too long can bring you down, coming out of these worries with a healthy resolve can improve your mental and emotional stability later in life. I would recommend talking to one or two friends who you trust to understand and provide confidentiality. While you will need people to help push you in the right direction, you do need to get out of this yourself and find your own questions or you'll just drag yourself back afterwards. 

It took me a year, it took some of my friends months, and some of my friends are still going through it. You have to always keep an optomistic side of yourself, as many of the answers you find won't exactly be sushine and rainbows. You have to remember that no matter what happens, people will be sad if you end your life, so you have to stay away from that slope. It's slippery. It will take time no matter who you are, but don't let it get in the way of what's happening around you. Suicide will seem really appealing at times but you can't let yourself think like that. It will get you nowhere. Keep yourself open to others' opinions and thoughts, but don't immediately accept all of them. You have to find your own answers to all of your questions. When you do come out of this, you will be much much stronger. Everyone deals with this sometime in their life, you just have to deal with it in your own way. If you ever have any questions, or just want to talk, I'll be open. I wish you luck.

9

Hi,

Firstly, you really have a problem with self image which only you can rectify. You need to make friends...so accept some of those invitations - you never know what will come of them. Secondly, I actually think it would be an idea to see your doctor as I think you are somewhat depressed and need some help and as much as you say you aren't serious about suicide, your thoughts on the issue say differently.

People go through life questioning things but not on the level you are doing at your age.  We only have one life, so make the most of it and enjoy what you can. You are only young and there is such a lot to look forward to if only you will open yourself up to friendships. You also have your faith so why not speak to your parish priest and see what help he offers you. Finally, you could always speak to the Samaritans who are only too willing to listen to people with problems and maybe able to offer you sound words of advice.