Am I in an abusive relationship or is everything really my fault?

Signs and symptoms
1

Hi everyone,

Posted on here a couple of times about my anxiety / depression and how I'm trying my hardest to get over it. Which I still am!

I'm finding myself very confused about a lot of things, as if I am unsure of what's reality and what's all in my head. The worst case of this is within my relationship. I've been with someone off and on for 3.5 years. The relationship has been off and on due to him changing his mind about me all the time. I'll try to nutshell the situation:

I have 2 children from a previous relationship. Their father does not help in any way and has minimal contact.

I have also looked after my cousin since he was 10 (now 17) with no help from his parents either.

I am an only child and have to do a lot to take care of my parents who are divorced, lonely and not too healthy now that they're getting older.

I have been suffering with severe anxiety and depression for well over 10 years but try to deal with it by myself without it impacting on those I care about. I mostly seeking professional help and have tried several medications.

My eldest child has autism and my youngest is due to undergo assessments for Asperger's syndrome.

I have no job or career and my future prospects seem non existent BUT I am intelligent and capable. I guess I am just lost, overwhelmed and just don't know what to do to make life better for everyone but I know it's ME who has to change everything.

The guy I am with tells me all the time that I am not doing enough, that I should be out there trying to earn more money (where is "there"?) as he is trying to start his own businesses and thinks I should be doing the same. He still lives at home with his parents, has no responsibilities and has had help from his parents to start his businesses, none of which have been greatly successful. But I have always supported him and never ever put him down when things haven't worked out for him. He tells me that he doesn't want to work hard in order to support children that are not his and that he will want to spend his money going off and doing things he wants to do, travel etc and not have to pay for us too. Bearing in mind that I have NEVER asked him for anything ever. In fact, I have my own house, car etc and have been the one that has provided for him many a time!

He says that in the 3+ years he's known me I haven't moved forward or achieved anything. That I should find a cash job to add to money the government gives me (which is illegal) so that I have more and can buy a new car, take kids on holiday etc. he tells me that I always have a problem with everything he does - it's not that I have a problem it's just that I feel unsettled and insecure I this relationship so I guess that's true. He often a uses the words "why can't you just...?" "I don't get why you're not like...." And stuff like that.

I am confused by what he says to me. He says all these nasty things and then seems happy when I am basically crushed and feeling completely worthless. Why doesn't he just leave me if I am such a loser? I don't understand how someone can continuously hurt another human being and be okay with it, happy with it! Especially when you're meant to love that person. He always says sorry, that he was wrong, shouldn't say such things but then does it over and over again. He goes on about how attractive I am and says he can't stay away from me for that reason only. How does that make sense? How can I possibly be attractive/sexy when I have practically no self esteem at all what so ever?

If anyone has been through this sort of thing I'd really appreciate some feedback. There's more to what he does to me but I've tried to summarise. I'm just so confused and feeling like if he's right about me I am a complete waste of space who doesn't deserve to be loved. But if he's wrong, then surely he is a very mean person. I just don't know anymore. Help.

2

Two words. Leave him. Sweetie you are worth so much more than this. Please don't let him do this to you. My mailbox is open if you need a friend to talk to.x

3

Hi Bird82

You are worth more than he is. No-one should ever make you feel worthless. You don't need a person in your life who doesn't respect what you have and do. I commend you for being such a helpful and understanding person to your family and you should be proud of that.

Mental abuse is awful, I feel you need to say bye bye to him and live your life with your family. Be yourself for you and your family and be happy too.

Hope you find the answers you are looking for on this forum. Take care  x

4

Thank you both for your kind words and reassurance. This whole situation has got me so confused and hating myself. I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind. Trying to stay strong for the people that need me whilst dealing with an illness that makes me want to stay in bed all day. I never do that though, I fight it every minute of every day. I really hope I have the strength to just cut him out of my life completely vibe tried I he par but my anxiety takes over and the "what if's?" Go off the scale in my head! What if he's right? What if I'll be alone forever? What if he meets someone else who has kids more on offer than I do? They live happily ever after and I'm just left here. Bla bla bla. It's horrendous. I feel like I want to take a bunch of pills and just end the torment. I won't ever do hag though cos I could never leave my kids. I need to find strength from somewhere. I know I have it.

5

Thank you both for your kind words and reassurance. This whole situation has got me so confused and hating myself. I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind. Trying to stay strong for the people that need me whilst dealing with an illness that makes me want to stay in bed all day. I never do that though, I fight it every minute of every day. I really hope I have the strength to just cut him out of my life completely. I've tried I the past but my anxiety takes over and the "what if's?" Go off the scale in my head! What if he's right? What if I'll be alone forever? What if he meets someone else who has more on offer than I do? They live happily ever after and I'm just left here. Bla bla bla. It's horrendous. I feel like I want to take a bunch of pills and just end the torment. I won't ever do that though cos I could never leave my kids. I need to find strength from somewhere. I know I have it.

6

God. Too many typos in that one. Sorry.

7

Hi Bird82

If you are having these thoughts about him and you are all so confused....that tells me he is not the right one for you.  The right person would repsect you and give you a helping hand. That is only my opinion thou. It's time to move on a take a day at a time and be happy for YOU!!!  x

8

Hi Bird, very often people who are critical of you like this do so because it makes them feel better. It sounds to me as though you are really doing your best in a very difficult situation. So instead of letting him damage the way you feel about yourself, tell yourself everyday how much you do, and be proud of what you are, and who you are. We are all special and deserve someone to make us feel as though we are. I'm sure your children, your cousin, your parents are all very glad you are in their lives. So head up, and don't let him make you feel worthless. Remember you are worth more. Marion

9

Hi Bird, firstly NO ONE deserves to be treated in such a horrible way! You deserve so much better! You are obviously a caring thoughtful person as you are caring for your parents and your cousin on top of being a fantastic mother to your children ❤

Your partner sounds like he enjoys seeing you so unhappy and that is sickening, while you are in this unhealthy and unhappy relationship you will never feel better!

If you don't want to finish with him you NEED to have a serious discussion with him, he needs to change!

10

You sound like a great lady to me. Your doing what is right and putting your family before yourself. That's not always easy. As for you feeling depressed, no matter how many pills you take for depression it's just going to make a zombie out of you. Turn to God in all of this. He says in His word, peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives but His peace which passeth all understanding. He is the only way. And He will help you through. Keep it up! U don't have to hang your head. This world needs more people like you

11

Dear, i talk from a man's point of view when i tell you that you deserve so much more than thay guy is giving you. i really think you are a brave woman, from what you wrote here you've been through a lot. it he was man enough he would support you in every way he can but i guess it s too difficult for him to man up and be there for you. darling you are worth it, and never say that you are a loser. he shoudn t get the chance to leave you cause he doesn t deserve you anyway. you should leave him for being such a prick. i can t stand guys like that. i was raised by a single mother so i know what she s been through, my father being the way he was, gambling all of our money away.

that prick gives you suggestions what you should do better but how can he look at himself in the mirror? judging and being rude to a woman doesn t make you more manly, it just makes you dumb and imature.

if you need someone to talk to, message me anytime.

with respect, Aleksander.

12

What your experiencing is controlling behaviour. I've been through this and know it is very hard to end a relationship like this but when I did my life truly changed. I'm now with a very loving, supportive man who has never once put me down or controlled me.

Read a book called "living with the dominator". It literally saved my life