Am I mentally scarred?

Mental health
1

Ok, me and my mom immigrated to Nothern Ireland from Portugal 12 years ago and I was pratically raised here. Growing up I was lonely and didn't' have many friends, I didn't realise that sad point till I actually thought about it. I have had this speech problem of mine, where I speak too low and too fast, I think.

Nobody tells me anything, or what's wrong, they just ask me to repeat, or just ignore it. My mom knew about this a few years after I started talking, but didn't do anything about it. Like, practically nothing, just she took me to speech therapy when I was ten and I was a dumb, stubborn kid and I had no idea I had a speech problem till I was 14... I appreciate all the feedback from my secondary school 'friends' and teachers.

Speaking of secondary school, I was bullied, every day for the first couple months of my first year because of my height and the older girls pressured me by bombarding me by how 'cute' I was, I thought it was a tease, like sarcasm, I still do, and at the same time I had trouble in my school life, my mom's attitude towards me deturiated.

Everytime I took a huff, she took a huff at me, yelled a bit, then always bitched about I had a mental illness called 'mania' or something, pretty much called me bipolar... So, that only got worse I grew older, resenting her and despising her throughout secondary school, still do. I don't trust her.

On september, I found out I've been suffering from depression for a couple months prior and still am, everytime I look at myself in the mirror, or just think about the person looking at me, I just can't help to think what an ugly person I am. Honestly all the 'cute' teasing DID NOT help, I know what I am. I also have social anxiety, and a bit anti-social, just a bit.

I'm incredibly easy to set off, but you'd probably laugh at my way of speaking if I attempted to yell at you.

Anywho, I tried killing myself in September, didn't go all the way in the bathtube and I tried counselling, that didn't do much and my new 'friends' in my new school are just as the same as the other friends in secondary school.

I feel so alone. I'm rarely involved in their conversations, I ALWAYS have to go to them, everytime to start a topic, which doesn't last long. Every girl I'm interested in, no matter how nice I am to them, no matter how considerate I am, just the cold shoulder and the 'creep' label I get.

If I disappeared/died/got injured nobody even notice, not my family, not my 'friends', not even my dog. I have no idea what to do, the loneliness is driving me insane and I don't what I've done to deserve all my flaws

Emis Moderator comment: I have edited this post due to the swearing. These are open forums so as per the T&Cs please do not use offensive language in posts otherwise they may be deleted. I have also removed the attached image as it may identify the user and these forums are anonymous.

2

I think your dog would miss you, do you take it for regular walks and spend time with it?

They are great companions if you show them love and affection, all mine have been part of the family.

3

Hi Luis,

i was very similiar to you. Felt like an outsider, felt ugly, would be obsessed with every bad part of me. It is just your depression talking. I felt like this for 7 years without asking for help and it got to the stage where i HAD to ask for help or i was i going to kil myself. Decided to see a doctor and was put on antidepressants (citalopram 20mg), After around 7 weeks later i felt so much better. Maybe this could be a good option for you? I too tried counceling before this but simply didnt want to hear what they saying so it was pointless. The release of happy chemicals from citalopram allows you to see a different side to what your depression is thinking.

Hope this helped and keep going. You're a good person and theres a place for you in this world, just like there is for eveyone else on this planet. Sometimes we just need help to find it

 

4

Yeah, I'm practically her owner. I'm the only one that doesn't push her away, everyone else in the family kinda neglects her.

She's the best thing in my life right now, I love that dog

5

Thanks James, I sometimes fear my mom is right about me being bipolar. I have rarely lost my temper and I haven't beat somebody, never.

What did thevpills do though? I'm curious

6

The pills will just give you a bit of peace of mind (in my opinion). Before taking them i had anger issues, extremely sucicidal, socially anxious etc which sounds quite similiar to you. The pills release a brain chemical called serotonin which can lift your mood and then this leads to all the negatives truning around. 

I no longer think of suicide, am happier with myself, socialising more, have the motivation to change my lifestyle (exercising, eating healthily, improving sleeping pattern- all of which will only help your mood). 

There's nothing with being bipolar if you do have it! Everyone on this site has a mental illness so never feel alone! Its just about how we can control the negatives of the illness and turn them into positives. A doctor once gave me some of the best advice ive had. He said that with me being on the edge of suicide, i know myself more than most people know themselves. And from your story so do you. Use that knowledge to work out what you want in life and from yourself and try everyday to get there!

Hope this helped at all and feel free to message me any time for advice