Am I overreacting or does she have a problem?

General health and lifestyle
1

Okay - this is a long one but I really need some help here.  I don't know if I'm overly sensitive and being urneasonable or if there is really something larger going on.

Wife and I have been married 5 years.  We always socially drank and I never thought much of it.  She liked wine, I drink beer.  Probably each have a couple drinks a night, probably only 1 at the beginning of our relationship.

My wife MUST have 10 ounces of wine a night.  She calls it her glass of wine but by most standards it's two.  She is tiny, only weighs about 100 pounds as well.  In 365 days she will probably miss 3-4 nights fo this ritual and that's likely because she's either sick (cold etc) or hungover from a bigger drinking episode out with friends.

My biggest problem is that right around halfway through her glass she starts to be dfiferent.  I can tell in her eyes and her speech, she slurs slightly and looks a little bit glossy.  I totally disconnect from her at this point because I feel like I'm talking to the alcohol and not her.

If she goes out with friends, she is bound to get drunk.  If it's a holiday family function, drunk.  Not one activity we do can happen without alcohol.  Now, on to the bigger issues...

I feel like everything in her life is based on alcohol.  If we are getting ready to go out with her sister and her boyfriend it's text messags and video messages about "I can't wait to get our drink on"  Or "Wine to my face now please".

Part of me says this is all ridculous and who cares.  I guess people our age (30s) do mostly go out and drink and alcohol is a big part of life.  My wife functions well, she never misses work, is very responsible.  We have a great time most of the time, but the alcohol is just starting to wear away.  If I find out we aren't drinking for some reason, my anxiety immediately goes away.

I have confronted her a few times and she always tells me it's just her ritual and not a big deal.  She thinks I'm judging her when she doesnt' judge me for playing video games or doing the thigns I enjoy.  Part of me isn't sure how to rationalize that me spending a few hours on a video game is very different from her needing wine every night.

Not sure where this rambling is going - any thoughts?  Advice?  Am I crazy or is she really on a bad path?

2

If you have tackled this head on, it's probably worth saying that it's affecting you and that you'd like to talk about it somewhere neutral - GP, practice nurse or a couples' counsellor?  You are perfectly within your rights to say how this is making you feel.

3

Both my husband and I have the same GP and I wouldn't be at all happy about him discussing my drinking with my GP. Yes I know my husband can tell our GP what is bothering or upsetting him, but the GP cannot discuss MY problems with him. Due to patient confidentiality, all the GP can do is listen.

From personal experience, the more my husband commented or made remarks about my drinking, the more I resented it and would probably end up drinking more.

Couples counselling only works if both parties are working together and want the same result. If one thinks there's a problem and the other thinks there isn't then it wouldn't really work.

 

4

There is no quick fix. There is no catch all. But some compromise is needed here and sometimes a helping hand from a neutral party can ease the communication.

5

Yeah, that's at least 14 drinks a week and out of the low-risk drinking zone for women (7 per week), with a 5 oz glass of wine being 1 standard US drink. If this has notched up over the years, it will probably continue to do so. 

Does anyone in her family have a drinking problem? If there's a genetic link, it's rather more likely to turn into a bigger issue. If no, this may just be a habitual thing rather than an addiction per se.

6

Easing the communication about what? He thinks she has a problem, she doesn't and involving other people for me at one time would have been a total disaster.

until he/she accepts it's a problem all the help in the world is useless. It's absolutely no good at all saying "yes ok I'll do it for you" and yes ok I've not got a proble , but will sit in front of a stranger whilst you natter away about me, it's totally humiliating. A neutral party to who? certainly not to her.

I still say that until she accepts she has a problem let her get on with it. Is this helping hand going to be able to provide medication if necessary, try and carry out a home detox,

7

I would say that there is more to this than meets the eye.

10 US Fl Oz is about 295ml. A bottle of wine is 750ml. In the UK, wine is normally, a large glass 250ml or a medium 187.5ml, giving 3 to 4 glasses per bottle.

So,she is drinking a little over a large glass, in fact a home measure probably would be 295ml or under to medium glasses. If she drinks virtually everday and in much bigger quantities on social ocassions, then one oversize glass of wine a night would not bring on a glazed look and induce slurring.