Anxiety about losing my mind, going insane and hurting people.

Mental health
1

Over the past 2 weeks I've been getting anxiety over my health. First was physical health where I've been thinking I'm getting a heart attack. I've been having panic attacks and have 3 trips to the surgery. After being looked over and everything is fine, I feel better. Well I thought I did until I started getting anxious over my mental health.

I feel reading and hearing things just make it that 10x worse.

Coming across something on Facebook about a girl with schizophrenia, I read a line "The voices she was hearing scared her." So I started to get scared... Thinking, do I hear voices? Is this internal voice actually to do with a mental health issue? What if I start to hear horrible voices telling me to do things? I've been trying to brush it off and not think about it and after calming down, I know that I obviously don't have a mental health issue. (Just writing this I'm shaking and overthinking this again.)

And this is the part which I'm worrying about the most.

Me and my boyfriend were watching The Purge. A film about legal crime once a year. Mostly about murder. Throughout the film I was thinking: How could someone actually be okay with killing someone? I was trying to put myself in their shoes and I was so confused as to how someone could be okay with killing another human. What goes on in their head? How can they think that's okay? How could you live with yourself hurting someone else?

Then... I was holding my cuticle clippers because I was doing my nails whilst watching the film. And a random thought came in my head- "What if I just stabbed my boyfriend with this?" I pictured the image and knew it was completely bizzare, out of the blue and worst off, just a very bad thought. Why would I get a sick thought like that? So I tried to shoo it away. But only for it to come back stronger and lingered and repeated to the point where I thought "Am I about to go insane, lose my mind and stab him without my control!?" And thinking that I may, I completely panicked, put the tool in the drawer and ran to the bathroom. I was trembling trying to get rid of these thoughts that I may be going insane. That I might lose my mind and go killing people without my control. These absolutely disgusting thoughts are not who I am, and I don't want to ever go insane and hurt people.

But worst off, why am I thinking of stabbing my boyfriend? The man I love? The man who has done nothing to ever negative to me to make me want to hurt him in any way. The man who loves me, spoils me and takes care of me when I'm anxious. The past few days I've needed him by my side to keep me at ease but now I've felt like I've needed to keep him away because I'm scared of these thoughts. The thoughts that I'm thinking and I could possibly go insane and actually kill him.

And to make it worse, I'm not getting these thoughts over anyone else, only him. I see a photo of us and that irrational thought keeps popping up. Just even me actually thinking these thoughts make me feel like there's something wrong with me, even if I don't go insane.

I'm trying to rationalise these thoughts by saying: Maybe it's just because last I was with him, we watched a murder film so these thoughts are just lingering. Obviously I don't actually want to hurt him in anyway. Of course I don't, I love him

But they do keep popping up. I suppose like a flashback? I see a photo of me and him and the thought will pop up and scare me. I'm sure it is just a shock so I'm getting flashbacks. But I honestly want this to go away. The more they keep coming back, the more I irrationally think I'm slowly going insane and I'm eventually going to think of it so much that I'll do it.

I know that sounds so stupid. My Mothers been consoling me, giving me examples of irrational thoughts. One of hers is thinking me or my brother has had a crash in the car if we don't reply to her texts. And then she thinks about what could of happened and pictures the scene etc. But mine is about MURDER. The sickest thing a thought could give you.

I do tell myself "These thoughts are fine and normal. It's just a response to anxiety and other people get them too. I am sane and well and there is no way a thought can take over my body." But sometimes that's not enough to keep me calm. They slightly pop up during the day and I quickly do something to get rid of the negative thoughts.

I have read up on people getting similar thoughts of getting a mental illness and feel like they're going to go insane so at least I don't feel so alone. I haven't read up on anyone getting thoughts of killing a loved one so that makes me anxious again and makes me feel alone. I honestly feel disgusted in myself. That is the complete opposite of who I am.

I've been avoiding any social media or films that has anything negative that may trigger me into horrible thoughts.

I need to speak to someone... I need someone to tell me this is okay, normal and possibly give me a reason why I'm thinking this way. And someone to help me think differently and help these thoughts fade.

I'm just so scared because I can't even be horrible to someone by being rude, let alone kill someone. Why would I get a thought like that? It's not who I am. It's not even a supressed subconscious thought, I could never physically hurt someone.

2

You are absorbing everything you hear and see. Your anxiety is there, you are sidetracked. Extremly important to keep all the media you view as positive, including videos, movies and any other media outlets im missing. Stay very far away from dr. Google. Keep music positive too, that can ruin you too. Irrational thoughts are connected to anxiety and depression. I think cbt cognitive behavioral therapy is an excellent option for you too look into. Thoughts are just thoughts leave them there. Dont run with every thought you have. Get a cbt workbook online. Go throught it. You will have similiar experiences if people tell you upsetting stories whether they are sad, filled with anger it wont matter. Something weird goes on when you are in a heightened state of mind, on gaurd with anxiety its like you become a human sponge. The thoughts should fade if you start watching love stories, comedies and laugh by the exact same theory i already noted. Let them fade, do not revisit negative or intrusive thoughts. There is no real way to diagnose you solely thru a internet forum but im sure if theres others who have had similiar experiences they will add to this. I have experienced this sensitive state of absorbing what i see, hear, read with saddness. Feeling another person or animals (pets)! pain which i tell i hate. It can be exhausting and to make it more annoying i tend to be the person people come too all the time with their woes and crisises and will calm them and i leave a mess. I know that happens to me so i have been learning  to let it go. There was a time i could barely watch tv because it actually was stressing me out if their was any conflict or saddness. I did not have what you described but i dont like those shows and have no interest in negative stuff like that.  But it makes sense how that could happen. Same with facebook. If you have any doubt you have a violent nature or want to hurt another person on a constant regular basis then obviously seek help but i dont think thats what transpired here. I think you do have a lot anxiety it is just showing itself differently then in heath anxiety. Many people dont have health anxiety ..on here its rampant but anxiety disorders are vast and have a lot of issues tied to it. Stay far away from all medical show too haha that will make you overthink too. I have no clue if that helped you or not, but it is very common with anxiety and or depression to have intrusive thought or feelings. Hence why all you hear and read is to keep positive. 

3

Thank you for the reply and help. Yes I have general anxiety which I'm usually able to cope with and sort myself out. Just recently it's so strong and I get panic attacks.

I have been thinking of seeing a cognitive therapist very soon because I want to sort this out sooner rather than later.

I will and have been trying to keep everything I see and hear positive for now and I'm distracting myself from negative thoughts. I'm lucky I have my Mother to help become she's studied psychology and calms me down. She let's me know that she gets silly thoughts about harming people too so I don't feel alone so much now. I think I'm just upset with myself more than anything for just thinking things like that. At least I know I could never act upon on in my conscious mind.

Thank you again for the help and advice.

4

Everyone has a dark side!!!!! If every person who had thoughts of harming someone really did it, there would be no one left in this world. Some people do express this dark side....but the majority of people let those thoughts be just thoughts and let them go.

Also, there is a lot to be said for "confession." Tell someone about a thought that won't go away. Just saying it neutralizes its effect on you. Tell a priest (even if you are not catholic) or a minister, or your mom, etc. You are not looking for someone to forgive you...you are looking for someone to tell it to.

Telling it here absolutely helps, telling it to a live person helps more. The thoughts are not abnormal. I do agree not to watch anything anymore that is negative and/or provokes anxiety of any kind.

Especially watch background sound...like something negative on tv and you aren't really listening to it...your conscious mind is focused elsewhere. Background sound goes right to the unconscious.

I often need background sound to sleep. I choose pbs on tv...no commercials about cancer, etc. and I choose a children's network. No bad stuff going straight into my brain.

Honey, it's going to be okay. Stay with us here...we can be your cheerleaders, Alyssia. A big grandma hug to you, honey.

 

5

Background sound that we are not really paying any attention to because we are focused elsewhere, or are asleep  is called subliminal programming.

6

Thank you so much! That makes me feel a lot better.

Yeah I feel talking about it has really helped and people saying they've experienced the same.

I've been watching Spongebob in the background everyday and before I sleep haha kiddie, innocent and nothing negative!

My thoughts have been very minimal today so it's good to know they're fading and I'm keeping myself in the right frame of mind!

7

Good job, Alyssia, good job. my background sound is Sesame Street, Daniel Tiger, Curious George, etc. Even when I'm on here, I make sure murder and mayhem isn't on the TV

8

helllo,

i too went through a time where i had awful intrusive thoughts.

its very scary and very uncomfoetable.

i thought i was going insaine too, as i had a couple friends who had schitsophrenia and that scared me sooo much.

i coukdnt even watch eastenders, somthing i used to watch all the time all my life.

but sudenly it made me very scared and emotional.

i couldn be aline at home at all either.

i needed the comfort of people, even if they were strangers.

i started taking AD and made sure everything was positive, i watched comedy a lot and nature progrannes i had to fall a sleep to these.

talking to god and being close to god is also a must i think.

your doing all the rite things and ur mum sounds fantastic.

your not mad and youre not going mad.

keep us updated hun. big hugs to you xx