Okay, this is the first time I have ever used on of these forums. I want to get what maybe other people have experienced and been through. Just to get opinions. I understand nobody really knows, and I understand this cant diagnose me. Again, just opinions.
So back in November I was "laid off" permanently basically where I was making really good money. I had just moved into my own place. It became towards the end a very stressful situation at work, therefore, it was a little bittersweet. However, by Christmas I started worrying uncontrollably about money, I was worried my boyfriend was going to leave me for somebody who had more than me ( I NEVER thought llike that or think like that now, I do not know where these thoughts were coming from.) One night he asked me if I knew somebody, the name sounded familiar but I could not put my finger on it. I picked up his phone to look the person up on facebook and saw that he had been looking and talking to other women while he was at work. I NEVER thought he actually cheated but with all the thoughts I had been having and the negative emotions that were piling up, I am not going to lie it made me mad. I said something to him he blew it off, which he does everything so its not like I was really mad at that fact, but when I went to bed, and all I could think about was he was getting ready to leave me. I had a killer headache and felt drained. I NEVER get headaches. Anyways, I woke up 2 hours later, and I was sweating uncontrollably. I got up to turn the air down, I tripped over my dog, and yelled at him, (which I NEVER do) I turned the air down, and then started pacing and thinking. I was wondering why my boyfriend was looking at them women, was he going to leave me, did he not love me, blah blah blah. I got a cigarette and a mountain dew and was going to walk outside and smoke. I heard an animal or something in the woods, and it scared me, I don't even know why. ( I live in the country, I hear that all the time) I went back inside and started trembling all over, and my mind started literally racing, about everything I have ever done wrong in life, thinking I didn't deserve any of this going on, I was thinking about my Grandma that tried to commit suicide years ago, and I was praying that I would never become that way. It was AWFUL!!! I woke my boyfriend up to ask him to take me to the hospital. He told me to fight it out, that he thought I was just mad or maybe even "overreacting" in lesser words. I decided to lay back in bed and I literally woke up every hour on the hour and had to pee, all I could think about is what happened. Was there something mentally wrong with me, physically, health wise, what just happened. I finally fell asleep about 3am. I got up and 7 and was still scared, so I drove to my Mom's house and told her what happened. She said she thought to her it sounded like Anxiety. She said "i bet if you'll go home fix you something to eat, and take a shower, and get some sleep you will feel better" Well we always do what our Mom's tell us to do right, no matter how old we get. And just to give you that I am 29 years old. Will be 30 in February. .... Okay well I took my mom's advice done all of what she said, went to sleep about 9:30 am and slept until a little after 12. I felt really calm when I woke up but felt like I was in a fog and all i could think about was how I felt when I woke up. I tried to make an appointment with my family doctor who could not get me in for another 3 weeks. For 3 weeks I thought about everything that could of been wrong that night. I had it narrowed down to hormones (I had messed up with my birth control pills and bled for 4 weeks straight in December, and it was just days before my next period when all this happened) I thought I had cancer, I thought I had carbon monoxide poison, the list goes on and on and on. I was googling for HOURS on in....basically ALL day everyday. I finally get to a calm point the day before I go see my doctor, I think it was just relief that I can finally figure out what was happening with my mind....She said I had "situational anxiety maybe even with some depression. She told me to quit my birth control and prescribed me Lexapro and hydroxizine and told me to take half of both immediately and continue it for 4 weeks, then go back to her. I took the lexapro and 5 hours later I felt like I had a brain zap, and went all panicky, I texted my doctor who told me to take a half of the hydroxyzine and the other half of the lexapro and go to bed. I did as she said and I woke up in the middle of the night and felt so wired I was pacing, yet I feel like all I wanted to do was go back to sleep, I stayed up for about an hour before I finally went back to sleep. I woke up the next morning and felt like I was in a fog but couldn't sit still. I went to the gym and rand 2 miles on the treadmill ( I have always been one to exercise) I finally calmed down enough to think straight but was still wondering what was going on and I was supposed to leave to go on a cruise 2 days from this point. I texted my doctor and told her I was not going to take the lexapro anymore, and should I go on the cruise? She said absolutely and perscribed me klonopin to take on the boat with me. I was really worried and nervous the whole time I was gone on the cruise but refused to take the medicine, being scared of the side effects or scared it would do me like the lexapro did. I calmed down a lot while on the cruise and for about a week after. Then all of a sudden got a hot flash while cooking supper, and a thought hit me, did my husband sneak me weed? is that what caused all this....which made me panic even more. I asked him about it and he laughed and said he would never do such, and I know he wouldn't. Why did I even think that. Anyways Im back at it again, worrying and scared and still googling what could be wrong with me. I go back to my doctor which sends me to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist suggests that I "MAY" be manic and wants to prescribe me Abilify along with my lexapro and klonopin. I refused to do so, honestly because I really did not think what was going on was bipolar related. Anywas four or five months went by like this, me constantly worrying and googling and self diagnosing. I went back to my psychiatrist and stayed going to her for about 6 sessions which she now tells me she don't think i am bipoar she just thinks that I have anxiety way more severe than the "normal" She wants me to take lexapro and xanex. However, I am scared to take the lexapro because of all that I have read online about taking antidepressant and being manic. I don't really think I am bipolar but that thought has been lingering in my head.
Now fast forward to this past month. I FEEL SOOOO much better as far as "anxiety" goes however about 2 weeks before my period I still get these "obsessive thoughts" and A LOT of irritability. I have been battling in my mind whether or not to take the medication, but then I psych myself out about it.
There would be times in the months prior when what "I" call a "panic attack" where I would get really nervous and jittery and feel like I could get up and run a marathon. I would clean the house, do the dishes, go grocery shopping, and do so much until I calmed down which normally took about 2.5 - 3 hours. I also talk really fast during that time and I CANNOT sit still.. But once its over its over and I calm down and relax, but then again when I calm down I wonder is this bipolar? Is this really anxiety and panic attacks?
Does anybody else have similar situations? Or know the difference?
PLEASE HELP!