Hi my name is Laura and I am 28 years old well actually I turn 29 on Sunday.i am sorry this is probably a huge huge post but I really wanted to share! Anyways here it goes.... I've always had insecurities pretty much all my life but I always found a way to manage them. I never felt beautiful but I knew I had to be some sort of pretty since I always made it to the "popular" group during HS yet I always kept to myself and wished I was more like the other girls. I guess it had a lot to do with the fact that I lived in another country without my parents but with my aunts. Even though I loved them dearly I never thought they'd understand what I was going through so I bottled all my insecurities in and acted the way others acted and did what was common in the popular group.
As I grew older I became more in control of my life and began to notice how powerful I really was I became this person everyone loved and wanted to be around. I worked out, worled two jobs, and just began to appreciate life my friends and family. It was a good time for me and I loved my life and how positive I was. I never worried about binge going wrong I knew someway I was going to make the best out of it. I had goals, and at the time I was saving up to own my own daycare and I promised myself by 28 I was going to make it happen (I was 26 at the time) Since I had two jobs my daytime job money was to pay my bills(daycare I worked at) and everything I made at my night time job (bartender) I saved.
Anyways, I met this guy who I instantly fell in love with, we rushed things and before you know it we were living together. Everything about this guy was perfect I loved how masculine he was, how he cared about what I wore and didn't mind helping me choose an outfit, how he had similar goals and now it was "our" goals. All my life I got so focused on me and doing things for me for once I didn't have to do it alone. I really thought we were going to built an empire together but you can already imagine that wasn't the case. Things just went down south , i have found myself in an abusive relationship. My life slowly stop being about me and more about him. I had to make him happy I didn't want him to be disappointed In me. I needed to make sure the house was clean and spotless and his son was well taken care off on top of that I had to make sure I had energy to work my two jobs it was very exhausting and no matter what I did nothing made him happy I could spend hours cleaning and reorganizing the house and he'll pick on that one thing I didn't do. I began to gain weight to the point stand looking at myself in the mirror. & every time I tried leaving it became impossible he had me believing this is life and this is what every relationship goes through but no one really tells anyone. I would constantly get choked or slammed and once even punched really bad to the point that I almost lost my night job and the crazy part is that I always stood because he was very sorry and he wanted a better future for us and we were going to accomplish our dreams. At the end I knew it was time to go especially when I checked his phone and found so many text messages etc but it was hard to leave w out a fight and when I grabbed all my money I had saved for my daycare he had already taken it 50,000 in cash. So I had to leave with out it & till this day it's going to be 3 years I still can't get over it and I hate him for that especially because I am not the same person I was. I always feel like people look down on me and judge me and even at my night job I feel like I lost respect because of that situation. No matter how high my sells are I never get credit they only notice when I can't cover someone or if I do something wrong. I hate how I look and I now adapted a new habit of drinking to numb this feeling. Constantly I think about what he used to tell me which is every man cheats, no one is going to take me serious because I am just a bartender and no one really wants anything serious with me I am only good for one night, how I am never going to get the daycare and how no matter how much I leave we were going to end up together. So all this haunts me daily I don't feel like I fit in at work I constantly feel like I am being laughed on or they are judging my body or finding something negative about me. I struggle with this on a daily basis I even stay distant from my friends because I feel like I am not good enough since all I ever do is work and maybe I just a bartender. As much as I try to stay positive it gets so hard to look at the bright side especially because I can't speak to anyone about this I just sound crazy
I just want to be happy again but honestly I lost all hope, my negative thoughts take over and when I am finally thinking positive anything someone says negative my thoughts take over. Help please!