I figure this is a place where someone might understand what I am going through.
Firstly, a while ago I was using some research chemicals, which are also known as designer drugs (for those of you not fluent in chemistry or drug references). I used them alone and together on plenty of occasions. A few months later I reacted badly to cannabis, and had a very weird experience in which I felt as though I blacked out and was dying, and I am told by doctors and people who had similar situations, that those were panic attacks. Had that twice before I quit. Well, as it turns out, after the second time, a bunch of things started, which I will list below.
1) I feel weird, just like I'm in a dream state. 2) I'm in an existential crisis, often worrying about my purpose, who I am, who I was before, who I am now, what's going on, maybe I died somehow, why do I feel so dead and empty? 3) I've been diagnosed with Generalized anxiety and panic disorder, and I'm having panic attacks. 4) I'm fully weak and sore and dizzy, often can't breathe, which sometimes is very severe and I get chest pains from trying to breathe, but overall I feel these symptoms all the time, not sometimes. People keep saying it's normal to have a panic attack, but I feel this ALWAYS and have panic attacks ON TOP of it. 5) Feelings of derealization and depersonalization, and over all dissociation, and I feel emotionally dead, like I don't really connect to people or understand them. 6) A LOT of how I feel feels like I am still on those research chemicals or the marijuana (both were completely different but it varies, sometimes I feel more like one than the other, and some aspects are comparable). The overall fog feeling feels like I am stoned. 7) I get new symptoms all the time. Last month, the breathing thing came on, this month my throat started getting sore and raw and constricted. 8) I am having mind-fog basically, like I know I did something, but I don't really remember doing it. It's like going through the motions of doing things but I don't experience, feel, or really remember personally doing them. This can be about learning, or about going places, or anything. It applies to everything I do and my overall feeling with memories and things. 9) I don't go out much, and when I do I feel worse because it's more noticeable than sitting in bed. You notice symptoms more when you have to focus and do things, such as the symptoms mentioned above. 10) When I talk to people I often blank out, and just start feeling like I'm 100% out of it and zoned out, and my brain is just making me talk. I say things that make sense though, but when I've been very high before this has happened too, and is exactly comparable. I used to talk, and I was able to talk completely fine during absolutely any situation. When I blacked out mentally while walking during a panic attack from marijuana, I held up a fully normal conversation according to the friend I was with (he was sober too.) 11) I've had hallucinations exactly like the ones I only ever had from one of the research chemicals. These happen at randomly. I am also startled easily or find myself "seeing things" because I get startled easy, but I have had hallucinations IDENTICAL to the ones I had on that certain drug.
Nobody seems to understand this. My doctor gave me Prozac, that's it. She doesn't fully understand, so she says it's anxiety. It's not like she has seen the psychological impact these drugs can have. I know a lot of my symptoms I've only ever felt from those drugs. I feel like I can't leave my house, I feel like I'm melting away, my whole life is falling down a drain, and I can't stop it. It's getting worse and worse slowly but surely. Last year from February (when this all happened) to August, I was on Zoloft and it helped somewhat, but not fully, and I gained a lot of weight and when I got off I developed an eating disorder and slowly everything got much worse than before (and yes I tapered off, I'm extremely knowledgeable about drugs both recreational and pharmaceutical). I don't know what to do. I don't know anyone but friends who are well versed in drugs and understand this. I need to get rid of it though, and I don't know how. I really don't feel right. I really don't. I'm very scared a lot of the time.
I am interested in trying Ashwagandha, but I am scared of taking anything, because I feel as if it will impact me badly, kill me, or make me worse.
