Cannot eat, cannot sleep, have trouble breathing, cannot think straight or make sensible decisions.
Several months ago I lost my job. I have since secured a much better one, but it is overseas and would involve me leaving my adult children behind. One is going into his second year of uni. The other is about to take a year off uni due to his own anxiety issues and increasing certainty that his course is not right for him and is a waste of time. He's supposed to get a part time job, manage the house, look after his grandpa and our pets. I'll come home twice a year. None of this seems like a reason to be so consumed with anxiety that I can barely function. The anxiety hit me like an avalanche on Monday. I've never experienced anything like ths before, not even when I got divorced and had to move countries and find a new job with two small kids in tow.
I am afraid for my son. I am afraid he will not find a job, that he will never be able to cope with life. I am afraid of removing my protective presence from his life. I think constantly of the worst possible scenarios and console myself with the thought that there's always suicide if things get too bad.
What you should do is get help. Go to your doctor and tell him what's wrong with you and see what he can do. Also speak to the Samaritans. You seem to care very much about your son but you can't let his problems affect what you do with your life. You need this job you need to re-establish yourself in a working environment. It maybe that you can get back more than twice a year (where is it?)Talk to your son and tell him of your concerns for him but also tell him that he not you is responsible for his life and he must see his own doctor and also contact the Samaritans if necessary. As for suicide....it solves nothing and only creates immense problems for those left behind so rid your mind of all thoughts of this.
It is always difficult to remove our protection from our children. My boys are both autistic and the thought of my not being there to care for them makes me feel sick to my stomach. So I really do get how you are feeling.
Here's a stupid question. Have you actually sat down and discussed how things will be when you leave? Are there other family members/friends that could drop in to offer support?
This is not an easy situation for you. But if things are getting so bad that you are considering taking your life then stop and think that you would be permanently removing your protective influences from your family's life. If you are considering suicide, I think that it might be time to turn down the job and search for something closer to home.
As Arwen said, I also have a special needs child so understand being consumed by my child's welfare. Suicide is the worst possible scenario. You are afraid off leaving your son to work overseas and yet you would contemplate suicide? I'm not having a go at you but showing you how irrational anxiety is. We have all been there.
Have you sat down with your son and had a heart to heart with him. Does he believe he will cope with you gone? In the long run it might be quite good for him as it'll force him to stand on his own two feet. You really need to discuss this with him, his answers might just surprise you.