Hi. Recently I broke up with my ex. I was getting treated badly and was hurt and had this anxious thing telling me to end things.
I've now met a new girl. We've been together 3 months now but for the last little while I've started to get unhappy. When we first met I was over the moon and their was a slight distance between us which is understandable being out of a relationship. She asked me out asked nd I said yes I was there first to say I love you. But when we were official I strated to focus in the heat distance and started getting anxious and thehehatelling heat my head told me if I feel like that I should end things. I got really anxious thoughts in my head all the time telling me to end things and I don't want that. I've told her I feel like this and she's standing by me ans she's more than I could ever ask for. She's 21 im only 19. But I really do like her. But now when I'm with her I get so distant and feel odd. And then I get depressed and end up feeling like I don't want to be there like I should end things and it's making me start to believe that's how I feel. I don't want it to ruin our relationship. Is anyone else feeling like this. Or what advice does anybody have. I don't want to give up she's worth the fight. It's just I try to think of her and feel happy and I stead I feel depressed and anxious telling me I don't want to be with her. I am so someyimes don't think I'm good enough for her. And if I ended things it'd be something less to worry about. But I really want to be with her but my mind and my body is telling me I don't. Help please?!
Also I want to know if I am able to over come this. Or does this mean the end of us I don't want that I want to fight it and get past it. Cuz when I am with her alot of the time I am happy. Just my head messes me up and makes me feel like I don't want to be there anymore
Sounds like you are concerned it may be difficult for you to live up to the person you think she deserves. you like her a lot and want to be with her but at the same time you're scared. So in your mind it would be easier to just end the relationship.
you've only been dating for three months so you really don't know enough about each other at this point. I know you really like her a lot but there's so much more to learn about a person. Usually it takes a good six to nine months to get a good feeling about the relationship such as is this something I really want.
you have the option of giving it a little longer to see where it goes. Or ending it now if you feel that uncomfortable. Realize you are only 19 . I'm not sure how many past relationships you had but things have a way of working out better when both the people have their lives pretty much together. As far as Schooling, career job, dated enough people to know this is the one. Things like that.
it's amazing how much more you learn after nearly a year of dating. I thought I was head over heels with a guy once in the beginning after four months of dating. However when I got near the nine-month mark I realized this is not going to work. I learned more about him and it was not going to work in my life. So take your time on this. If you keep feeling the same way then maybe it's time to end things. If something is meant to be you should feel extremely comfortable with it. There should be no doubt in your mind. Good luck!
Another thing is that a good relationship should make you feel very comfortable and relaxed.
Thank you so much. I had a really pretty serious relationship with the last girl I was with and I really loved her but got hurt in the end and in felt like I needed to end things. Like I said it was only when the girl im seeing now asked me put we all these thoughts started to happen. Again I like her alot and everybody has told me not to look too much into it and it'll go away. But it's hard to da that when it's playing on your mind 24/7 I really hate it. I want the feeling to go away. I've told her all this and she's trying to understand. She doesn't want to get hurt and I don't want to hurt her. Were going to talk on Wednesday and fingers crossed things go well. I have this little voice in my head telling me.. end things end things!! But I really don't want that it's only that I've thought about those horrible roughs so much that it is changing my feelings toward her. And thank you for giving me such good advice so quickly. I had a similar thing woth the last person I was with and I ended up ending it it got too much and regretted it for quite sometime and maybe I'm not 100% over her either. Which also in time should go away. I want to be with this new woman. She's everything I could ask for and more. We've spoke and looks bout future andlsoksboutnd wants all the same things I do she's perfect. I just would live for these horrible feelings to go away so I can be happy. Because I have started to doubt that it is andlsoksboutndeaynxiety and that It is my actual thoughts and it's changing how I feel for her. Before I over thought I was so so happy I could be myself like I couldn't have been with anybody else. I want it to work out but I'm scared incase my anxiety and depression has already made my mind up thank you
Also I didn't have any doubts about us in my relationship. It was my anxiety that put them tgere im just wondering is it possible ton change my feelings back to how they were. And not split us up because indo not want that
Hi Curtis.
It sounds like you are obsessing over thoughts you've had about the possibility that you don't want to be with your girlfriend when you know that you actually do. As an ex pure OCD sufferer i have heard quite a few stories like this, although i am not saying that is definitely what this is.
When people get random thoughts that pop up they are sometimes the opposite of what the person wants or they could go against what that person believes in etc. Anxious minds latch onto these thoughts as a possible fear/something to worry about so the thought comes back again and again causing the person more fear and anxiety, what if's, rumination over these thoughts etc. This theme of relationship worries is actually quite a common one.
The way to tackle this is to not push the thoughts away, to accept them and help train your brain to learn that these thoughts are not ones that need to be feared. I like to look at it like a school bully. The more you react and get upset over a bully the more they will carry on. The more you just don't react and don't let it bother you the bully will get bored and give up.
Obviously anxiety is the root of this so when you manage to lessen your anxiety your mind will quieten too. Like Jan said though you are young and relationships can be really daunting! Definitely just give it some more time and see how you go. And try not to react with fear to those thoughts you get - you will just add fuel to them. One they have lessened your head will be clearer to make whatever decision you need to make.
Thank you so so much Georgina this really helped alot it's what I was hoping to hear. Because I don't want to feel this way. It's actually got to the stage were it is making me feel like im not interested anymore and that I don't actually want to be with her anymore when I know I do. It all came from one little intrusive thought that I had a while ago. But thank you so so much it really helped. I just would live to know if me feeling like this will go away eventually. Just thought about it so much that it's changed my feelings as if I couldn't be bothered do you know if it's possible to save it. To get what I had back? Thanks again
Again I want to say that I do like her. I was with her today and felt happyness. Felt like I wanted to be there. Still had those little anxious thoughts that made me feel odd sometimes and when I thought about then they made me depressed. I already was trying to accept the thoughts. But as they've started to lessen. I've sort of worred in a different way. And now Im just completely depressed and I actually feel like I want to break up like it's something I actually do want. When I know it isn't. I don't want that. I like the girl im with alot. And the more I feel depressed and think of those feelings the more unhappy I start to feel. And then I think if I'm feeling like that I should call it quits. But I telly don't want that. The girl im with is perfect in absolutley every single way. And she did make me happy.. so sooo happy before all this started to play in me. So I ask. Is it possible this hat my anxiety has made me feel like I should end it? And.. Is there a way I can stop it.
Get our happyness back. Thank you.
It's just sort of a thought that comes out of nowhere telling me I don't want to be there. It makes me think if I'm thinking that I shouldn't be there then I fet depressed then I feel like I don't when I know I do. Is there any other ways I can get through this because I don't want to give up on her. On us.
It sounds like you are definitely stuck in a cycle of intrusive thoughts and unfortunately they often are targeted at the people you love or care about. The problem is that they are so intense that you do actually begin to wonder if the thoughts re true, but they aren't. The thoughts will fade the more you control your reaction towards them. So you cannot stop them, but change your reaction (don;t react with fear) and they will gradually fade away. Its very possible that your anxiety has made you feel this way, it plays tricks on you and it makes you question yourself. Worrying in a different way as your thoughts start to lessen is very normal, they take up a lot of space in your mind for so long that it can feel strange when they start to fade. Don't let this start making you question whether you really do want to break up wit her now that you dont feel as scared as the thoughts, that's just another trick. Just get on with your day regardless of the thoughts. When they come don't react and don't question them, just observe then carry on with what you were doing. You said yourself that you know deep down you don't want to end it, and that is your true feeling - you are not your thoughts and you cannot control what pops into your head. I recommend reading a book called 'Brain Lock' if you are able to get hold of it, its full of so much information and teaches you how to deal with the thoughts you get. It also has stories from other sufferers and i guarantee you will read some and be like 'oh my god that's so much like me'. You have just got into an unhealthy way of thinking and you need to work hard to shift it. Be strong, remember that you are not your thoughts and get on with your days, i promise that once your anxiety starts to go down your mind with calm down and you will begin to feel more normal! You also need to stop asking for reassurance as it doesn't actually help you and you will never feel satisfied with the reassurance you are given!
Thank you so much Georgina. I've noticed that that's what I'm doing. Asking for reassurance. It's just last couple of days I've gotten down and depressed and it's like I said makes me actually feel like I want to split and I know I don't. It's stopped me from being happy when I think of her. I really hate it. But thank you so much for you're time and understanding and for the help. Even when see friends I feel like I need to tell them that I don't want t be woth her anymore and that keeps going round in my head. But I feel anxious when I think of that. Just wish life wasn't so difficult. Again thank you so so much for taking your time to respone to me. I really really appreciate it. And I'll try to do as you say. Fingers crossed.
Oh also. Last thing. I had this when I was with my last girlfriend. Went through the same thing. But only I was unhappy and we fought all the time and the thought of breaking up came into my head and I didnt want to end it but I didn't want to be unhappy. When I did break it off I did regret for quite sometime. Im just worried that maybe I do want to break it off and that why I'm getting so anxious about it. When I know I don't want to break it off but everytime I tell myself I don't want to break it off that keeps coming into my mind. Maybe I actually do. But I don't. That's why I'm stuck. Heads teling me I want to call it quits but I don't want to do that I want to be with the girl woth now she's perfect.
Hey Georgina. I've been taking you're advice. I know I like her alot. Just my head keeps getting in the way. I have noted that it just pops onto my head then I'll start to doubt it. Then I over think, saying if I'm feeling like this I should end it. Then sometimes when I'm feeling down when it with her or when I'm not I'll feel like I don't want to be there too. You said I'm am not my thoughts but sometimes I feel like I should end it but then I get anxious because I know I don't. Just wondering the more I try to over come this will the feeling of me not wanting to be there, change? Because I didn't have it until all this went through in my head. Like in said there was distance but it was going away. And I proise this is the last message.
Hey Curtis,
the minute you start letting that doubt overwhelm you the more doubt you will have. The more fear you have about it the more thoughts will come. You're ruminating over it, you need to catch yourself when you do this. That doubt you feel, accept it. No one knows what will happen in the future and you know deep down how you feel so just accept that you have these thoughts, don't react. Leave them be and don't get caught up doubting yourself. The more you accept that these thoughts are just a nuisance rather than something to fear they will lessen, this does not happen overnight though it will take time and perseverance. Don't try to push or force it away. Remember to keep busy!
Hey want to know it was starting to work but then I got anxious in another way and now I've been wanting to tell everyone I don't want to be woth her and I feel so anxious when that happens. It's in my head making feel like I don't want to be with her I know I do but when I think of her that runs through my mind. And now it's made me so insecure making me feel like im not good enough and she still talks to her ex and that makes me insecure also. I don't know what to do I don't want to end it but my mind is telling me I do and making me feel that way I don't want that. How can I ignore this. You said in time it'll get better but I keep over thinking.
Also this is one of the things that ruined my last relationship. Plus o know she would wver go behind my back. But I'm too anxious and insecure to believe it. Plus a hustory of anxiety and insecurity runs in my family
It will try all sorts of ways. When one goes, it will try another way. But ultimately it is the same thought process - you have a thought, you fear it, you ruminate over it, it comes back again and again then you start to wonder if the thought is true or that it is something to fear. That's being stuck in the cycle of intrusive thoughts. You need to be prepared for it to try and throw slightly different things at you. In time it will lessen, this could mean weeks or months, it isn't something that happens over night and you need to be strong and not fall into the trap of going over and over the thoughts because it only makes it worse.
P.s, its normal that he still talking to her ex makes you feel a bit unsure - i would feel the same if my boyfriend still spoke to his ex.
Thank you Georgina, you must be fed up from reading my comments now lol..
We spoke about it and she said she blocked her ex so that part is sorted now. It's just the last few days when I think of her and when I'm with her I've been really odd. And you're right its started to get at me in different ways. Because now like I was saying I get anxious and, this though will pop into my head telling me I don't want this I don't want to be here. If I think about that I start to become distant and feel amxious and odd and feel like I don't want to be there or have any feelings at all. I know I want to be with her but the more my anxiety attacks me the more unsure I become. The more i feel like i should call it quits. Then I become depressed and it wants me to push her away. I know it's normal to feel distant after a previous relationship amd I over thought that's when all this started to take place in my head. I don't want to end things with my girlfriend but I just feel anxious when I think orwhen im with her now and it makes me feel like I dint want to be there or have feelings for her. It's trying to trick me that this is the truth. How do I accept these thoughts and what do I do to try overy come them. I have been tryin some days are better than others. Thank you so much for this by the way you really don't know how much this means to me. It's just making me unsure if I really like her or not because the anxiety is stopping it all
Also forgot to say. It just makes ke start ot wonder wether or not I want to be with her. Making me analyse and think we'll maybe I don't want to be with her. Then my mind will start to nit pick about things. Saying I don't like it when she does this or that when it's nonsense I love everything about her. It's just that anxiety had given me so much doubt that I don't know what to do anymore. I want to make it work but my head is really making me feel like i should call it quits and end it. I don't want that