This may be kind of long, and I want as many responses as I can get that could help!
First of all a little bit about me. I am a 23 year old full time graduate student, currently not working and just going to school while living at home. I graduate in April 2019.
I have had some anxiety and panic attacks my whole life, but they were never to the point of missing class, the gym, hanging with friends or simply going to the mall.
Fast forward to last year my first year of grad school which was a life change because of the schedule classes ranging from 4-10pm, I started in a downward spiral. So let me explain what’s going on in life right now.
I worry constantly....I literally mean that. My panic has panic about future panic, which is of course anticipatory anxiety. I will let’s say go to the gym, heart rate increases I kind of freak out knowing damn well this is normal, or I’ll get dizzy or chest pains and leave and go home, because that’s what makes me feel safe. Anymore when I know I can’t escape a situation I freak out in my head “what if this happens, etc.” I have a girl I’ve been seeing but she lives about an hour and 30 away from me and I can’t even drive to her anymore Bc I’m far away from home and I’m afraid of what will happen if something goes wrong while I’m there and I can’t get help. No I want to be clear that this does affect my quality of life but I am not suicidal or ever had thought of hurting myself because I know this can be managed, not cured because I will always live with this.
I went to therapy for around 3-4 months, she said I had all the tools to manage and cope with anxiety and that she didn’t think I needed to be seen anymore (well ok). I was very open and honest with her. My PCP prescribed me Clonzaepeam .5mg to take as needed (8/18), I haven’t touched a single pill bc I am afraid to put things in my body bc of reactions, I even refuse to take antibiotics luckily I am not a sick individual.
My panic attacks get bad, sometimes they lead me to the ER just for them to tell me nothing is wrong. In the past year I’ve diagnosed myself with so many problems it’s unreal I should’ve kept a lists. These are a few things I thought I had (tumor, cancer, appendicitis, heart problems, vision changes, sinus problems, kidney problems, STD fear, meningitis, HIV, blood clots) I turn a normal cold into something extreme thinking I’ll die. Now granted I didn’t have any of those things in reality, but my mind drove me to impending doom thinking I did, which of course invoked panic. Like right now as I type this today I’ve had heartburn and GERD and my chest hurts so bad like theirs something stuck in the center then I went to urgent care to get an ekg tan to make sure nothing was wrong with my heart, test result? Fine. My thinking? I’m still not fine, what if she read the results wrong, what if the test wasn’t administered properly? I have a real problem and I’m coming to realize it and I want to fix it and I admit it, I’ve let people know around me as well which has been a slight struggle as I am embarrassed.
Mother has some anxiety I would consider it a normal person amount, she doesn’t have panic disorder, but what my mom does is googles problems and has done it ever since I grew up, she’s is precautious. This could have stemmed my problem
Father has anxiety, social anxiety, and did and I believe still had a touch of panic disorder. He used to go to the ER a lot, leave situations, and he still doesn’t go to public places much.
So for me, I am worried that this is going to keep getting worse. Upon graduation I am going to be working in my field, I can’t function like this, I will get fired for leaving work or calling off and I can’t have that happen and that’s what I fear, that this will cause me to be unsuccessful.
I have taken pharmacology classes in college, and know all SRRI’s and Benzo’s, I just know the negative stigma with psychiatric medication, and I don’t want to fall into addiction and needing a pill to function a normal everyday life.....because there’s no going back once my body relies on the medication and that scares me. So any stories about medication you may be on, or what you suggest I do or take, or try?
I’m open to all methods, I love learning more and more about these mental illnesses and I am a very educated person when it comes to mental health and everything surrounding it.
I recently seen you can have your serotonin levels checked via blood work? Would this be something I should do to see what mine are and if they fall in a normal range? Then take action as neeeed based off the results.
Please feel free to comment, share thoughts, stories, anything I am open to conversation. I will check back periodically throughout the oncoming days, and thank you for taking the time to read (:
(please no negative comments)