I've never posted anything like this before. I'm 29 and I work in a high-pressure, insular industry. For about 6 months now my self confidence has deteriorated to the point where I ruminate every single moment of the day about how I am perceived by others. Every time I make a mistake I want to cry, I feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself all day long, like I can't get anything right and like I'm a total waste of space. I've lost almost all my friends, (not through lack of trying - I'm always the last one to reach out) which I'm pretty sure is because I'm so nervous, awkward and always say the wrong thing. I can't get through one day without doing something stupid and kicking myself over it later, everyone around me seems so smart and together and they must think I'm such a mess. The people I have left I'm worried will see how I'm changing, and won't be around much longer. I try and push myself to go out but I'd really rather just be alone so nobody can judge me. I can't see an end to this feeling, I used to always be myself and screw the consequences, I had friends and I was sure that I was a good person with a bright future but now I care so much what's being thought of me I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like I can't be inside my own was anymore, especially as I hate my stupid self so much. I want to be successful but I can't get past this weirdness that puts everyone off. And it's not just myself I feel this way about, I can't help but think negatively about everyone. I'm pretty sure my mind is playing tricks on me, but part of me thinks maybe I'm finally seeing myself and everything the way it really is. I'm confused and my mind doesn't stop. I've been to the doctor and I'm having counselling but it's not helping at all. What should I do? Am I going crazy? I really worry that I'm going to lose myself completely! I don want to waste anyone's time but I had to get some of this out of my head.
Hi Ana, sorry to hear you are feeling this way but you are definately not crazy. This is what anxiety and depression does to you, changing the way you think to extremes. I hate to say that I know how you feel because the way you are feeling now you are probably thinking that nobody can possibly understand you, but this is exactly how I have felt before.
It took a lot of effort for me to believe that I wasn't going crazy and to convince me that I was unwell and to encourage to talk to a doctor and get help.
It is great that you have been to your GP about this, well done 
. How long have you been receiving counselling? If it has not been that long then stick with it, it may still work for you. However, if you know that it definately isn't working for you then go back to your GP and tell them this, because counselling isn't right for everyone and there may be something else that could help you. Are you taking any medication?
Please go back to see your GP and tell them that you are not happy with how the counselling is going, maybe write down everything you have written down so they can understand how you are feeling, this is what I do at my appointments because when I'm in the appointment I get nervous and forget to say all the things that I wanted to say.
Do not worry, you are not wasting anyone's time, there are lots of people who want to help you .
Thank you for your response itsofluffy. It's reassuring to hear that I'm not the only one who has felt lost this way, I've been anxious my whole adult life and have always felt as though I'm weird and defective and never really addressed it but this is my first experience where it's a constant presence stopping me from functioning and feeling this way is very scary and overwhelming. I feel stupid for even feeling this way and taking up people's time. I've had counseling for a month but I actually feel worse than I did before I started, I'm not on medication as I've said I only consider it as a last resort before, I'll go back to my doctor, I too always make light of my problems when I'm there and find it hard to say how I'm really feeling. Thanks for the encouragement and for taking the time to reply.
Hello Ana,
I am in exactly the same situation!
I have cut off from all my friends and find that I make excuses if anyone asks me to go out with them shopping or for coffee because I fear that I will be lost for words or make the situation awkward. I constantly overthink things which makes my anxiety a lot worse. I have tried self help books over the years and nothing seems to help. I was prescribed medication 3 days ago (Citalopram 10mg which is for depression and anxiety) I got to the stage where I was so low that everything feels pointless and I dont enjoy anything I do and so medication was my last resort. I am hoping the antidepressants help because I really cannot live like this, I feel like I am wasting my life. I am 24.
I hope you speak with your doctor and get the help you need, if you need to talk I am here.
Ruby
Sorry, I would just like to add that prior to being prescribed medication I had blood tests for annemia, underactive thyroid, overactive thyroid and diabetes as these conditions can cause low mood and lack of energy or motivation.
My results came back clear which is why I was then prescribed Citalopram.
Ruby
No problem Ana . I am no expert on any of this but I know that any support from others and hearing the experiences of others helps me, so I am glad I have been able to reassure you.
I have never suffered from depression or serious anxiety before so all of this is new to me, but at the moment I think I am doing ok. I just take one day at a time, some days can be good and others bad, but I have learnt not to expect to be better overnight and I think it takes a lot of effort to push yourself to do what it takes to get better.
I understand how you feel about only wanting to take medication as a last resort, I was like that too. Then my depression and anxiety rapidly worsened to a point where I was in desperate need of help. I started citalopram in November, but my GP has changed me to Mirtazepine this week because I was still having problems with insomnia. I agree that you should only take medication if you really need it, which unfortunately some of us do. When I think back to how I was in November I do think that I have improved, although I can't be certain this is due to the anti-depressants. I hope you can start to feel better soon too.
I am still waiting to receive any sort of counselling, I do have quite negative views about it working for me but I think I am still going to give it a go, I hope it helps.
Good luck when you go back to see your GP .
Hi Ana, I know you posted this a few months ago so I hope that everything is feeling a bit better now. I just wanted to say thank you for posting this. I feel exactly the same way, that everything I say is wrong, so reading your blog made me feel less alone. I'm also in a high pressure industry and now work from home - which makes everything worse because I can't see anyone to check that they're not really offended or angry at me. In fact even writing this is scary, as I really don't want to say the wrong thing.
When I went to see my GP, they first recommended me for counselling (which let me talk but didn't help much). Then they recommended me a course of Cognative Behavioural Therapy which turned out to be really useful. It helped me start to realise that the way I feel isn't my fault and that it's an illness, rather than I'm intrinsicly a bad person. It meant that I didn't have to take medication (I agree that I only want that as a last resort!), because it gave me practical ways to deal with things. If you want a taste of what it's like then look here
http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=46
But the thing that really helped was working through exercises like that with a professional - the exercises seem easy but they're really not. You have to fully commit to them before they work
It wasn't perfect and I still have bad days (today might be one), especially now I'm living abroad where CBT isn't available. But I thought it might give you another option if you were still feeling bad and let me get the fact that I'm still feeling anxious off my chest!
Shallan
Hi Ana. Never did this before., but HAD to to let u know you are so not alone . Having very similar feelings lately wife is divorcing me., live in her home town, and everyone has turned their back on me. I'm an artist , and haven't always " tried " to nurture friendships, ie, was somewhat comfy most of time alone. But always liked to know someone who cared was close by. Been consed with anxiety and stress of feeling going through this by myself. A sense of being paralyzed, and without hope for the unknown future . The worst of what you're feelin and goin through, is feeling you're not wanted needed desired and worthy. It's not true and your mind will play tricks on you, and perpetuate the aloneness . Take heart. You are not alone. I am, we are out here going through similar experiences. We should rally, gather, and show each other that WE are not going through this alone, and our stress and despair is not true, not reality. Be it truth, Ana, you have people like " you"., who care!!!!
Honestly you are not going crazy I've been feeling the exact same thing sinceI I was a child i'm just happy now that I found this page and theres someone who's feeling the same thing, its all part of depression and anxiety, if someone looks at me wierd or says something I get anxious and think about it when im in bed at night and I start crying, anxiety pains the lot, it is horrible but knowing theres other people thats going through the same thing makes me fee. Better because if they new the. Would understand, I've had people saying to me I'm over reacting, attention seeking and that but they obv don't understand at all which makes it even harder to cope with but I guess counciling and talking to people with simularities make it easier xx
Ana I just read this, I've felt this way before, I cant imagine how hard it must be to live like that all the time! Mt heart goes out to you, I really hope you're feeling better. You may have skizoaffective, which causes people to have false thoughts/ideas/beliefs about themselves and/or others. I know because i have it. Its very scary and there is treatment for it. Will you tell me how you have been? Im really concerned now even though I don't know you. with love, cameron.
Hello Ana,
I have the problem, lost for words and I feel stupid when I talk to people.
I had a job interview today, my mind just goes blank. Not on any medication, really didnt want too. Even when im talking to my kids i say things not right, I know they im crazy. I'm a nervous person and anxiety issues. When im gonna drive somewhere i dont know where im going, i get upset. I wish i could be normal.
Am only 18 and I have sufferd with Aniexty for alot of my life Its hard but it also makes use Stronger. I know what depression feels like.. It can get better but its a fight you gotta be ready for.. ONe day you will say to yourself "am sick of this" and chase it away.. I have had days where I think am gonna get no where in life and still do. (First time for me today) Keep fighting dude
Could someone be schizoaffective. If they have symptoms like:
Complete loss of focus
Always wandering mind
Obstructive thinking
Lost soul
Worthlessness
Lack of energy from within
Negativity
hi ana98035 I feel the same way as u do
from soofia
hiya my name is christina i also know how your feeling i am 26 i have a stressful long houred job that i consistly feel like im useless and i dunno sounds crazy but just always think the worse i struggle to trust people or build connections and i always think they dont like my i suffer from anxiety i also go to counselling but i always feel like i feel worse after like im stupid for thinking the things and the way i think i use to think it was because i was growning up and i was seeing the world differently but now i know its not i hate going out and my boyfriend loves me to go out and spend time with his family ...what it perfectly fine but i hate seeing people always think i will be boring or awkward anyways i hope your feeling better these days your not alone if you ever wanna chat im here , christina,
Hi ana98035,
I have felt this way too. And if you think, now, you just want to impress the others.
When I was on your side, I felt really bad, always thinking that everything was my fault, I spoke to several doctors, I was always focused on my behaviour.
I think I can help you. One day, I thought: Ok, now, I will always focus on what I am saying, I will not think in the way I am talking, or moving, or anything. If i am telling a story about the other day, I will only focus on telling the story. And it really helped me! I felt a huge relief by not thinking in my moves, or by thinking if my tone of voice was ok, or if people were satisfied with me. Do that, try. Focus only on what you are saying or on what you are doing, and nothing else matters! If you are watching a movie and someone shows up, maybe you will start feeling judged, no, instead of that, focus on the movie, because you don't have to entertain anybody, you justo have to stay focus on what you are saying (on the message, on the subjetc) or if you are not saying nothing, focus on what you are doing. Stop wanting to impress others. One more thing, when you are talking to others, focus only in what they are saying, and not in the way they look at you, or the tone of voice.
Try it, with me it worked. Sometimes I feel traped in this again, but I know what I need to do to feel right, I'm not lost and I end up ok, one or two days after. Good luck wish the best to you
Hi Ana,
Just to say that I have gone through the same thing after a bad breakup (where I felt I was constantly being judged). I developed anxiety and depression but didn't know what it was for a long time. That was nearly 4 years ago and although I still have my bad days I have worked out ways on how to manage it now.
I havent ever gone to the Doctors as I didn't want to go down the medication route and am not sure if councelling would help me but the biggest and most notable device for helping me has been hypnotherapy, which concentrates on changing your subconcious beliefs which are the root of your concious anxiety.
I'd advise you to try a few apps which are availible from the various different app stores; free or paid and see how you feel after a couple of weeks. For me the change was very dramatic and to a certain extent I now see my anxiety as a strength.
Best of luck to you and all other anxiety sufferers!
Mike
HI JohnnaMill,
I was very nervous ever since I know. I wanted to be left alone. But I was very talented, I was hoping I would end up being a great person. But my personality got me somewhere else. Now I am feeling like I am of no value. In everything I speak I am worried I would say something stupid. I would look horrible. and nobody will like me. There are two three people left for me. I feel I am troubling them too. I feel pathetic for myself and the few people around me. I think what you are saying is right about being focused. But I am having a problem that I forget things that I am going to say. even in a day today conversations. Is there anything you can suggest?
Hi, is there a name for one of the apps you're referring to?
Thank you.
hey how u r doing?