Are these thoughts coming from fluoxetine or are they the real me.

Treatment and medication
1

Hi Everyone

​I really could do with a little advice here about how fluoxetine might or might not be effecting me. I am not sure if it is the drug or me that is behaving in a certain way, all I know is that I am thinking in ways that I never used to.

​This is my second bout of quite serious depression in my lifetime, I was in quite a bad way over a decade ago and came through it, more than came through it, I excelled and had some very good years, so hopefully that is a little hope for some of you that it can happen.

​This time has been a build up where I could sort of see it coming, you notice the signs second time around and take make little tweeks here and there.

​But I probably left it a little too late before seeking help from my doctor who made a second attempt to get me on AD's, this time I gave in after intially thinking I might not need to take fluoxetine. The one thing I have to point out that I am not as bad as I was all those years ago, back then it was something that I never saw coming and was awful.

​I have just started my 5th week now on fluoxetine, and although it is not all doom and gloom and I did have a few laughs this weekend , my thought patterns and type of thinking are just not what I have been in recent years, For a long time now I have totally understand the damage of pointless worry and beating myself up, I developed a type of perspective where even on those real bad days I could empty my head at night and sleep.

​All of a sudden, to be more precise around the time of starting to take fluoxetine thoughts of maybe I am useless, maybe the critics of myself are right and I am finished, not worthy or a bad person, there is not much of a future etc etc.

​I have been waking up exactly between 3 am to 4 am every morning with a slight panic attack and unhappy with my life and the future while still fighting deep down to look for a little hope and tell myself there is a future at 54.

​It is worth mentioning that a few difficult things happening in my life recently did catch up with me and I was still sort of coping, my mother dying after a long fight with MS being the main one along with living in a new area with few friends and support.

​I have really just given in this past few weeks, I have crawled under the sheets more often and stayed in bed a little longer in the mornings, I am not fighting the thoughts or how a feel, but just going with it, not sure if that is a good or bad thing.

​Is fluoxetime making me feel this way, just seems so odd that I suddenly stated thinking bad thoughts in a certain way for the first time the moment I took these tablets. When I approached the doctor I was just tired and low, now I am thinking in ways I do not want to be thinking, that just were not me.

​In truth I feel like a failure and useless, but a little part of me is saying that is not the real you even though these thoughts are coming from my head, so it must be me right?

​I know what the mind can be capable of, so even though I do not feel it I have been putting this down to the fluoxetine, I hope I am right

 

2

Its quite common to have weird thoughts - either with this illness or with the medication.  It's just another side effect - its not you.

Everyone has weird thoughts, but because 'normal' people aren't suffering with anxiety / depression,  the thoughts are fleeting and pushed to the back of the mind.  But ..... because these thoughts are accompanied with anxiety they make much more of an impact, and because our minds are so tired with this illness and constant thinking, the thought sticks to a tired mind.  

Try and remember that this is a side effect and these thoughts aren't how you'd think if you were well.  So they are the illness and the Fluoxeting - they are not the real you.

When you have these thoughts, remind yourself its the illness.  Let them be there - they'll lose their importance as you go through recovery, and eventually be put back into perspective once more.

I had loads of weird and scary thoughts but as I recovered they became less important and now don't bother me at all.

K x

3

Forgot to add:

Week 5 is really early days for you too - its tough coping with this illness and equally as tough coping with the medication.

My son had a melt down 2 years ago and was put onto these meds too - he couldn't work for 4 months and spent many days in his room, hiding under his duvet, a complete emotional wreck.  I spent many hours talking to him, comforting him, I took him out on daily walks - but he didn't 'see' anything when we were out, he just looked in on himself - but we continued every day.  I got him involved in music - went with him to African drum lessons and he also started guitar - he struggled, but we went every week.  Eventually he started going on his own.  As he progressed through recovery I began to see small changes in him.  He still had his setbacks (blips), but he carried on.  One day I heard him whilstling and singing and I knew that he'd then turned a big corner and my son was coming back to us ;-)  It took him 9 months to recover, and today he's in the drum troupe and performing and still plays guitar too, has a girlfriend, a social life, is now off the medicine and is back to his happy self.

Many things can lead us to this illness, and whatever it is it usually ends up with our bodies being so stressed that its unable to cope with it.  Serotonin becomes depleted, anxiety and depression can follow along with a whole host of other emotional problems.  These meds hang onto your serotonin, helping to make you feel happier - but it takes much time for that to happen and for the emotional side of it to follow and fall into place too.

It can take a long time to recover - not always this length of time, as everyone is individual, but give it as much time as it needs.

You're not a failure and useless - you're not well at the moment and believe it or not, you're a strong person to cope with all this.  You've had some very difficult times lately - losing a loved one is the hardest anyone has to go through in life, and moving to a new area must be difficult too.  These are bound to have an impact on you John - so allow yourself time to grieve...... your body and emotions will heal in time xxx.

Is there anything you fancy trying like my son did?  Any sort of hobby you can take up / join class etc.  You may not feel like it, but sometimes we have to take that small step out of our comfort zone.

You'll get through this ....... ❤️

K x

4

I will tell you its the illness and meditation I'm 6 weeks nearly 7 I thought my life was pointless I stayed in bed for nearly 3 weeks every day things was hard work I'm on pericyazine for anxiety but I still love have tired days but at least I say to myself I'm 10000000 million times better than I was i never seen light at end of tunnel I saw dread now I can say you get worse before better but I'm getting there is went on a bus other day that hasn't happened in years so I get bit panicky but you will be up and down until your body accepts it and settles you will be fine

5

Hi katecogs

this is a great post and really gives hope to those of us in the midst of our suffering, thank you. I am 13.5 weeks into fluoxetine. I had my dose increased a week ago from 20mg to 40mg. I have a some very "normal" times but also some awful times.  Over the last couple of days for  the first time in a long while, I actually felt like I could see Christmas etc! Although today I had some horrible moments again😕. I did read one of your posts that said that it took you 6 months to feel "normal" again, can you give me some reassurance please. I have health anxiety which isn't helped when I have "setback" times, I am having cbt  for this. Any words of hope/encouragement would be gratefully received! Thank you x

6

Hi your father along than me but this is my second time around in years I've been on flu for years then I thought was ok then boom down hill now I know we're your concerned you will be fine I look back and realise there was light no matter how not normal you feel tell your head n heart n soul it's the illness and medication,,,,I promise you you will get out alive and kicking and feeling best as it's just we all different and we settle into things different but I know you will survive this horrid times I did now I can even courage you all I still have moments in days were I'm like oh God I'm losing it then I freak but I breathe and have a talk to myself only way xx we are all here for each other xxxx you will be fine xxx

7

Further not father hahahah

8

Hi Jo

Thanks xx

When I was recovering I also had some normal times and awful times too.  It seems this is often how the meds work.  It comes in waves.  Yes it took around 6 months for me to recover ....... must have started around the 3 months mark, just small glimpses of feeling normal, only for it to disappear again.  I then began noticing I'd feel normal in the evenings only, yet still woke every morning feeling absolutely dreadful.  Slowly this normal feeling crept into the afternoons, then the mornings ..... yet still I woke feeling awful ..... but I began to look forward to my normal times as I figured they'd happen.  During this time I'd still get days when I'd feel completely dreadful, but those became less and less.  One day I woke with no anxiety ...... and it stayed like that all day.  It began happening more and more and I kept waiting for it to return ..... but it didn't.  I knew I'd recovered.

From 6 months onwards I improved more and more and I stayed on meds for many years as I didn't want to be back in that dark place again.  I've been well for about 16, 17, 18 years (I lose count) and eventually came off meds.  I did restart meds though when my son became ill as the stress began to affect me and I didn't want to have to cope with the illness again as I needed to be well for him.  They worked again for me and I've since come off them again this year.  Am stil well.

It is strange when you have those normal times as, like you say, you start to think more clearly, look forward to things and can see your way clear to being well again ..... yet when you're ill you can't think of anything else except your illness, how you feel etc and you often feel like you're back at the beginning.  Its truly a weird illness.

It sounds like you're well on your way to recovering then.  I'm sure those normal times will increase, but of course expect the bad to still happen.  It is hard when it comes back, but try and remind yourself its an expected part of recovery and it will go again.

My son recovered too ..... I'm sure it'll happen for you too.

K xx

9

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond

xx

10

Hi april

Thank you very much for your kind words.  I'm beginning to think I'll never get out of this - after a really good day earlier in the week I feel worse than ever today xx

11

No I was like that and made me feel terrible I actually thought I was never getting better I'm think 7 weeks but instill have wee ups n downs but nothing compared to my previous weeks I'm promising you i know you will be fine I was worse than I could imagive and thought better off gone xxx you will look back n think oh my god that was me xx I am now suffering acid reflux and lump feeling at back of throat xx but I'm still bit shaky but nothing to i was it takes long while to settle down but I promise it does xx I thought people telling me lies but they weren't it was great support did safe me from myself I know it's hard to believe but it's not the end it will get better xxxxx well you need support then you will get it here I'm here xxx well I will pray for you and i know it will all be great and you will,get life back I'm now going out and even on a bus so let me tell you I couldn't get out front door my bedroom door for weeks that's the truth I was in dark place being tortured I felt now I'm like going up town saying it's like being in Disney land I'll never take for granted the little things when I felt better so you will get better xxx

12

Hi Katecogs

I'm really sorry to be a pain but if I could just ask.... I started to have some good days, not all good but the majority of the day was, but then I've had a couple of really awful days again, I'm really starting to worry and loose faith.  Is this really the normal course of recovery, Bad and good?  I am so scared, anything you can say to reasure me would help, thank you xx

13

Hi Jo

Hey ... absolutely you're not a pain to ask.  Ask as much as you want wink

Yes that's how it worked for me.  Its normal.  I'd have some good hours or half a day etc followed by bad days.  When you have those bad days all that good you felt is quickly forgotten.  I know, I've been there.

This is it beginning.  You won't suddenly feel well and it'll stay, but instead it comes in waves mixed with the bad still.  This will slowly get better and the good will get longer / stronger.

Try not to be alarmed by the bad days (easier said than done I know) and also in those times remind yourself that this is recovery and its an expected part.  Try and relax toward those bad times - let those feelings just be there, because they'll be there no matter what anyway - so just let them.  Relaxing towards them helps to desensitize the nerves too.

The good days / times will come back.  I was scared too that I lose those good feelings.

This is recovery biggrin

And remember - ask me anytime - I really don't mind.

K x

14

Thank you soooo much, I feel better just reading your post. 

Trying to keep positive!

xxx

15

Its comforting to know isn't it 😉

Good to know its started for you though!!  🎉

K x

16

Hi Kate,

sorry me again! Did you still have bad times from 3 to 6 months? I'm 3.5 months in.  At what point would you say you were fully recovered?

Many thanks

Jo

xx

17

Hi Jo

Yes I still had bad times between 3 to 6 months.  I started recovering around the 3 month mark and felt completely recovered by 6 months - though even from 6 months I improved more as the next 6 months passed.  From 3 to 6 months I'd get those moments of clarity when I felt 'normal', which lasted an hour or 2 maybe, though each morning I'd wake feeling awful.  Those moments started increasing more into my day (still with the dreadful mornings) and around 6 months I started waking with no anxiety.  

I'd still get the odd days (sometime a week) when I'd feel low, but it would pass.

So yes, I'd recovered by 6 months and improved more after that too.

K x

18

I think I have just had something similar. I felt that I was starting to get through this and feeling closer to normal. Then just a few days ago I felt Yuk again, not as bad as the early days, but all the same Yuk.

​I read up on it and it seems that is quite normal to be a going a few steps forward then maybe one stumble back, and it seems me and you and a few others have done just that.

19

Just a big thank you to everyone who replied, I have just managed to come through some horrible weeks where I just did not have the energy to even log on here and stay for long. I am finished work for a few days now so will go through some of the posts in more detail.

​I am up to 6 weeks now with it starting out horrible, a better patch for a week and then slightly going backwards, but is managagable now with the hope things will go up from here, maybe.

20

Sorry you're feeling bad Again, it really is the most up and down illness. I have felt OK today them the last hour terrible.  Let's hope for more long term recovery in the coming days x