I'm sorry. Really struggling. Tried to phone my CPN today, but she's on holiday until next Tuesday. Got put through to desk duty officer, he wasn't very helpful as doesn't really know me and my neads/background. Unknown to me he phoned police who picked me up off the street and took me to the station for "a chat". I was later released, wasn't there very long, but feel so low and suicidal right now. Please help me?
mami5. Hold on. I know how bad it is. The only good thing about depression is that it ends. My horrid bout is finally over, (this is day 2). I too was feeling suicidal, but now am so grateful for this feeling that the idea of suicide seems so foreign to me once more. My heart goes out to you. You are in a dark and lonely place. Is there anything you do in times like this that help? My doctor gave me a mantra- "survival first". If that means cancelling everything, or not even trying to get out of bed, or whatever it is that helps you cope, DO IT, AND DO IT WITHOUT GUILT. The guilt of depression just pours salt in the already gaping wound you have. Kick the guilt in the arse, and do whatever YOU need. This can and does change. These are little things I can offer, such as- I listen to "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M and "Don't Give UP" by Peter Gabrial and Kate Bush. I also stay up all night and the depression completely lifts hour by hour post 11:00pm as it does in over 70% of cases. Research in the U.S is underway to find a drug that mimicks what happens in the brain under sleep-deprivation to alleviate depression. Go easy on yourself, be gentle with yourself, no guilt allowed and hold on. It DOES get better. As bad as you feel now, tomorrow could be an easier day. Sending you my heartfelt empathy all the way from Australia. xx
OMG Mami5, that is terrible.
You have been on my mind all day today and I actually came here to private message you.....then I saw this!! What on earth did you say to make him involve the police?
And what has brought this struggle on? Was there a reason...or just the depression raising its ugly head?
I am here and I will give you all the help I can, I will give you my friendship and my support.....anything. I just wish I had the answer to all your problems.
Please, please stay strong. You have come through worse than this, it will pass.
I am sending you an enormous hug.
Take care my friend,
Pat xxxxxxx
This was an amazing post. I found all you said so interesting ....I will remember the mantra of survival first...never heard that before. And I absolutely love the R.E.M. song.
I hope Mami5 reads it and finds it as helpful as I would have done. She is a very special lady, thank you for your post.
Pat.
It's a good mantra, isn't it patricia44773. The nature of depressives is to be susceptible to guilt for hurting like hell. "Survival first" helps me make short work of that baseless guilt so that I'm not slaying two demons, just one. Hope it helps! xx
I asck befor if you have family tel bet more we all ways stop to early to talk
thes is a discasian wich can help
Hi, thank you for your post I'm glad you're feeling better. I have been suffering from depression on and off for 30 years and it's not getting any better I keep going from one suicidal episode to another at the moment. Can't see it ending soon either. As for guilt, I'm riddled with it and my Mam makes it worse, I'm not allowed to forget or be forgiven. Sorry, I'm probably not making much sense. My brain's not working.
Thank you again. Take care of yourself xxx
Hi again Mami5. Not "allowing" someone to be forgiven is a great way of holding them hostage- either intentionally which is all but "unforgivable" in itself or by default which is just sad and says more about them than it does about you.
I too have experience with this. In those circumstances it is on us to forgive ourselves. Nothing is unforgivable. I'm willing to wager you've forgiven plenty of others. If you are riddled with guilt, that only means you feel profound remorse- and, let me guess, that remorse is totally disproportionate to your purported transgression? And I'll make another guess, people have told you that your guilt outweighs your supposed crime? And intellectually you know this? But you find it difficult to translate this knowledge to your heart? If that's the case, your jailer is blind to the one trump card you hold in your hand. You don't need them to give you the keys to your prison, you're holding them in your hands. Forgive yourself and walk the hell out of that cell. And tell your jailer to "bite you" as you pass by. Noone deserves a perpetual guilty verdict.
If I've misunderstood your circumstances, I apologise. Either way, my heart goes out to you. And I do believe, for all of us, things CAN change and they CAN get better. xx