Sitting here in on a log in a quiet forest crying. Crying and beating myself up on last night and the night beforeand the night before that...Had a discussion with my significant other last night and it went well. He is very loving. Told him about how hard it is to carry this alone. I know that he didn't understand how hard this is for me but I did not realize to what point he thinks that it should be easy to just put it down. I think I threw him a curve ball because all he wants to know is how HE can help me and I do not know what to say. I took the day off work to reflect
What's done is done and in the past - for the time being at least.
Tomorrow is a new day. You've done your 'grieving' and beating yourself up. Time to look to what can be, and not what was....
Have you discussed options for the way forward, yet?
Don't beat yourself up. We beat ourselves up enough in life. Instead be proud of yourself that you able to realize you want to change. How many others will spend their entire lives not even wanting or willing to change. We are here because we want to. For ourselves, for our loved ones. Its painful, I know.... I cried thru my first two days sober and only 6 days in last night I stayed up all night long tossing and turning and thinking of things I.have spent years numbing. Its not an easy thing, it hurts like he'll. All the pain we caused others and ourselves, seriously I'm feeling emotions I haven't felt in a long time and the
Shame, omg the Shame that comes with it is horrible. One day at a time, just keep trying. I don't like myself at all. AT ALL.... but baby steps. I'm hoping to like myself, then start to forgive myself , and then love myself. Life isn't meant to be lived being so miserable and hard on ourselves. Your not alone. I know that thought helps me a lot just knowing others truly get how I feel.
I feel just as bad and ashamed when I mess up my (alleged) diazepam taper.
My husband is an alcoholic and totally understands that his feelings of shame are horrible but normal in addicts, whatever we're addicted to.
Hope your day of reflection (which is a great idea) brings some possible strategies to mind, darling.
love Tess
You are not alone. We are here. And don't expect your SO to inderstand, but be greatful he wants to help. This will pass.
" I think I threw him a curve ball because all he wants to know is how HE can help me and I do not know what to say"
Most women, really do not understand men. I realise that that statement is going to make me deeply unpopular, but I have broad shoulders.
Women like to talk about problems, it makes them feel better.
Men hate to just talk about things, where they see a problem, it must be solved, all they want to do is find a solution to the problem.
It causes them tremendous angst, where they see a wrong, and no movement to put it right or fix it. In the same way women like to just talk about things, a man will metaphorically climb the wall, waiting to get to a solution.
Men and women are different. I realise that this doesn't help you with your problem, but maybe it gives you an insight as to how we think.
Sadly, smile...only you can help you...and its very hard to help ourselves when we feel beaten.
The only thing I could do...was set a date that I was going to "try" to stop drinking. After that..I had to put everything in place to keep me from drinking.
I had to make sure I had a benzo to help with withdrawals.
I had to make sure I had small items to eat to get my appetite back - crackers, soup...etc.
I had to buy some vitamins
I had to buy sports drinks and water
I had to make sure I was going to have the time to "rest" without obligations
And that was about it...then it was...focus on staying away from a drink...look forward to each following day that I would "feel better".
Its tough to stop a habit like this....but dont' stop TRYING.
I agree with Missy. Completely. Just keep trying. I keep myself busy by drinking lemon water all day. I'm talking like 12 bottles a day which is like over 29 cups of water lol. But I figure it's helping flush my system out and keeps my mind off of.alcohol, I'd much rather be healthy with water than poison. I'm admitting the first 6 days sucked. I was a grouch, I was moody, irritable, my stomach hurt I couldn't sleep I felt like my head was floating but today on day 7 I woke up feeling amazing. Its so worth it!!!!
AND I have gained weight since I quit....3 weeks ago I think.
So today I went on a calorie counting website.
I just ate my portugese muffin with raisens...so now I am consumed with what I can EAT next.
Even thou I am very displeased with my figure right now. I'm very happy NOT to be hungover...or drinking.
It is 1000am here...and by now...if I were drinking I would have had 4 beers. And by noon....at least 7....So....today, I am happy that none of that is going on.
But, the first week for me was H*LL....
Spent the night in the hospital last night and helped make it clear that I can not drink anymore. First day no wine and later I felt dizziness, faint and my heart was beating irregularly. Happy to find out that it is nothing dangerous or life threatening but that is a symptom of alcohol withdrawal and if I continue it will get much worst.
Day one drink free...check
I thought that from going drinking everyday without a break down to at least 1 to 2 days a week no alcohol that my body would be happier but no. It surprised the h..l out of me last night.
Did they give you anything for the withdrawal?
I hope so.
It would not get much worse, if they gave you a small amount of diazepam for the first four days. Especially if they think it could get worse. One packet of 28 x 5mg is all that is needed and it would make withdrawal so much more comfortable.
The problem is, if the withdrawal is bad, you will be very tempted to drink, just to ease it. No your body won't be happier for the first few days, because it is used to the alcohol and only functions properly when it has alcohol, diazepam gives your body the hit it needs whilst you safely withdraw from alcohol.
The other problem is that they have offered you no follow up help. If you've been a heavy daily drinker for a long time, the alcohol changes your brain and it constantly thinks about having a drink, every waking minute. It is that that drives most people to fail.
It is very strong instinct and very difficult to fight without the right help.
No. Just a return visit in 2 or 3 weeks to hook me up to a portable type of ekg machine that I have to use for 24 hours. Other then that I feel ok
Well we are here to HELP. Keep posting and you can PM me if you want to.
Thank you Misssy2.
On day 3 and last night was alright. Took me awhile to fall asleep because I kept stressing out about everything and had some not too horrible nightmares and some shivers but no desire to drink. Just tired today
I.knows exactly how you feel. Day 4-6 was worst for me. Day 7 was great and today day 8 is another.great day, I have my thoughts back. I have my hope back. I just feel so much better. I'm still not sleeping the great even on klonopin (very high dose) but at least I'm not waking up hungover and wanting a drink. Hang in there, every day gets better and better
being tired can be a trigger.
Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired (H.A.L.T.) spells halt....so that means...stop and address each one of these things and your trigger to drink will lessen.
Tiredness is a big trigger, as is being really hungry and lonely. Those were the three triggers for my last bout just under a week ago. It all seemed to happen so fast, and I have memory loss of alot of it, so it seems like now that it didnt really happen. A day and half a night lost, and then the next day I was round at my 92 year old aunts birthday party with all the family, and it was lovely, and I didnt even feel that ill.
I had woken up in a strangers house - on the sofa - and forgot how I got there. Luckily, he was honourable, and had actually cooked for me, because I just drank all day and didnt eat. Also it wasnt very far from where I lived.
That sensation - waking up and not knowing where on earth you are is one I have had far too many times, and never want to experience again!
Am taking antabuse again, but both me and my OH know its not really the answer, just a temporary fix.
A change in state of mind and response to stress is whats needed.
Today is day 3.
Later in the day I started to have cravings and worst I realized while grocery shopping that tomorrow ( day 4) is going to be 100 times worst since I am having a BBQ at my house for my friends.
At first I thought that I could make an exception but then I realized that I have a choice and that if I do this right that it should be ok.
I let people close to me know how I feel and how they can help me get through this tomorrow.
I can do this...
You can so do this! Its day 8 for me I have basically been hiding out in my house where I feel safe. I hope your bbq goes wonderful and you stay strong, I believe in you. My new habit has been chugging water and eating pickles lol . Beats being drunk and eating the whole house