Bit of a quandary

Mental health
1

I'm currently in my 6th relapse with anxiety and depression although I don't believe I fully re ivered from my 4th relapse with depression. 

This episode was triggered as for a while I've been unhappy in my work and turned down the potential opportunity to change due to the thought of anxiety and when I turned down the interview I immediate regretted it and thought that I would get anxious in my work thinking I'd made a mistake, anyhow this triggered my anxiety and after a couple of weeks struggling had to be signed off. This was two and a half months ago and the psychiatrist after messing about with my meds is putting me back on Venlafaxine which has worked for me in the past but in those two and a half months I've been on a downward spiral.

Now to the hub of it, my head has decided that I don't want to get better as it will mean going back to the job I don't like anymore and as a consequence anything I think of doing which will help me I get anxious about, ie recovery will have an undesired outcome and this is causing me a lot of distress as I just can't find my way out of it. I keep telling myself that I will think differently when I'm getting better but it's not working for me! 

I feel completely stuck as to what to do as though everything has been turned on its head. Keeping myself busy is hard and I know ruminating over it isn't helping me.

ive thought about getting another job when I'm well but for some reason I just can't think what to do and like in the past have bottled it thinking better the devil you know.

I'm receiving Councelling on dealing with anxiety but it just isn't clicking for me but I'm due to go on a group course over 8 weeks at the beginning of August so going to give it a right good try as fear of anxiety and relapse has effected me for 23 years ever since my first episode.

I just can't shake this not wanting to get better thing or see how recovery can have a positive outcome.

I so want to be well again but this is pulling me back and it's killing me and can't stop breaking down over it. If it wasn't for my daughter I'd have done something Awful, I did take an overdose as a cry for help during my 4th episode. I'm just so tired now and don't know how much more I can take now.

Any help would be appreciated.

Neil 

 

2

Hi Neil you are having a tough time at the minute.You say you don't want to get better however you fear suffering anxiety and depression for the rest of your life so you must behind it all want to get better.Your anxiety and depression has your thoughts all over the place.Trying to make important decisions regarding work at this time is not helping you in any way.I know work is important however your health is more important.Take the medication get stable on it do the counseling and perceiver with it.Then you may be in a better frame of mind to make major changes.Remember a thought is only a thought try not to give it too much power over you.

3

Also if you don't want to get better for yourself do it for your daughter

4

Thanks Marleen, it's not a case of not wanting to get better I probably phrased it wrong it's almost like I'm frightened to get better if you see what I mean. Neil 

5

Again if you could take a step back from how you are feeling and thinking you would see that is just anxiety and depression doing what it does best making you feel hopeless.

6

I am so sorry you are dealing with this anxiety and depression. I would try going back to your job. Right now it is the big scary thing in your life. If you can conquer your fear, you can conquer other stressors. Don't give up. Hugs to you.