Broken Families, Alcoholism, Raw Pain :(

General health and lifestyle
1

I haven't seen many threads about this topic "broken families and alcoholism" and I think I have been a member of this forum for over a year.

Its too painful to talk about I think maybe?

Maybe I think no one cares, maybe I'm embarassed and most of all I think I just want to stay in denial.

A big part of my alcoholism was denial.  I like denial.  

Now that I am stone cold sober..I look back at the last 2 years and where the drinking has taken me and my "past" loved ones.

The ones that I thought I loved me.  The ones I am confused about right now.  No one is talking to me anymore...my kids, my parents....

My parents are old...my mother a retired Nurse.  My Dad retired.

I was kicked out at 16...FOR DRINKING.  No contact for many years...

21...back in their lives...started with me having to move in with my first son.

Out at 22....met someone new...off drinking and being in a domestic situation.

Anyway....thru the years...I always thought I was a ROCK for my kids...drinking or not drinking....In the last 10 years...always been there for my parents when they needed me - sober 8 of those years.

But, the last 2 years..I have let alot of people down...and presently...my phone isn't "ringing or beeping" anymore to ask how I am...

I contacted my Dad about 2 weeks ago to tell him I was ok...because he worries...and I asked how HE was...

But, since..nothing from anyone...my Mother does not understand alcoholism...even thou she is a Nurse..but has 3 daughters who have made her life VERY miserable with alcoholism..

Can't blame any of these people...but it is rough pain and isolation to deal with "sober"...its hard...very hard.

I have a Grandaughter that is almost 1...I have seen her 1x.....

I do believe alcoholism is a "condition" and not an illness...but I believe it is a serious condition that is very hard to control....and I wish the people around me understood...I didn't want my life to turn out this way...I didn't mean to hurt anyone or everyone...but I did...and this ALL on top of losing grip on everything I have worked for....is so overwhelming.

I KNOW I'm not the only one that has family and friends....that have given up..and I know I'm not the only one in pain...I just wanted to share that...look at it....

But, getting it out...doesn't even help!

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Oh missy xxx lovely, lovely lady and friend...do not ever doubt your self worth....you are amazing....

I agree with everything you have written....I was a terrible alcoholic for ten years ..my youngest of four children was only 9 yrs old...I hid it well for many years..until one of my sons was sectioned at the age of 17yrs....I then lost the plot....

I was so, so lucky though...I was supported all of the way with ,

MY family...MY wonderful big brother and my identical twin...sobbed every time they saw me....MY children hugged me every day. Also I had a wonderful CPN...AND A SPECIALISED ALCOHOL NURSE....not one person ever turned away from me ...in fact a lovely neighbour sent me a beautiful supportive card..as did. ,my brother, sister and my children...

It is so unfair that you had to cope alone lovely, lovely lady...we are not bad people , just a little lost....in am so surprised that you mother has not understood....

Keep your chin up missy, you help many others...and you have a wonderful , beautiful heart and soul....hugs and much love to you,,...lovely, wonderful lady and I hope friend .dee xxxxxxxxxxxx

3

Long and tough life Missy. You can read Deirdre's reply again and again and it touches my soul as does your reply!! You are strong and wonderful and we admire you. Robin

4

Misssy, there has been a false narrative going on about AUD for scores and decades, if not centuries, and the worst, most damaging practice of all - "blame the addict". 

Show your Mom Claudia's TEDx talk. The first few chapters of Linda Burlison's book. Let people know why this happens. It's the ignorance that causes so much damage.

This is why I post. This is why I spend hours every day trying to let people know that the traditional story is the wrong one for most people with AUD. AA has about 2 million members worldwide. There are about 140 million alcoholics in the world (WHO stats). 9 out of 10 people that attempt abstinence (all forms) will return to drinking within 4 years, many sooner than that. Well, for a long time, that's all we had. It's different now and for most with AUD, the practice of detox and immediate abstinence without Medically Assisted Treatment is obsolete and dangerous. Still, the old rhetoric is the dominant message and the needless damage goes on. 

You may think that you let people down, but perhaps you see now that you did exactly what one might expect of someone with AUD. But you were told it was your fault. It wasn't your fault. Not your fault. 

And on top of it you had BPD. Who could rightly expect someone with either one (let alone both) to prosper? Excuse me, but you have to have a LOT more money and fame to even have a chance at pulling that one off, and most of the time all that ends in a wreckage anyway. 

I understand your regret, I've felt some of that myself. That was then, this is now. The task lies ahead of you and I think you will rise to it. 

As I returned across the fields I'd known

I recognized the walls that I'd once made

I had to stop in my tracks for fear

Of walking on the mines I'd laid

And if I built this fortress around your heart

Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire

Then let me build a bridge

For I cannot fill the chasm

And let me set the battlements on fire

Let the building begin...

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My dearest, most splendid Misssy,

I think that getting it out will help. You have already had replies which have caused tears to pour down my face.

People do care about you - they just, as Ade says, do not understand addiction.

It frightens them. They are terrified that you will, despite previous agreements, turn up drunk if they invite you to anything.

Being angry with the alcoholic doesn't work - you yourself taught ME that, and not so long ago, either.

Digressing slightly, before I started my diazepam taper, my family, apart from the kids, were quite frankly, suspicious of me. They didn't like having me around.

A couple of weeks ago my two sisters and I met and had a wonderful time with one another - for the first time in 16 years. I had told them about the clinic and the tapering and kept them updated. They took a chance - asked me to have dinner and go to a show with them.

It is fear of the unknown that makes family stay away, I think. I feel awful for you that you're experiencing this, instead of rejoicing in your triumph.

Oh dear - I don't know what to say that will help you, for you deserve help, of all people. Funny, challenging, knowledgeable, supportive, loving - all these words describe you, Misssy.

This IS a difficult and highly emotive subject. The good people on this forum are here for you.

We are all here for one another. And long may that last, because until we get the message out that this condition or illness is not a conscious choice of the person who drinks too much, things will not change.

You are in my heart and prayers. Always.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

6

Thank you for your support deirdre....I've also been really surprised at my mother.....my mother acknowledges that it is not my fault....but she doesn't want to deal with me or anyone in my family drinking.

It has caused her too much pain.

Thank you as always for your uplifting LOVE and support.

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I know that most here have had tough lives....wonder if it has alot to do with our drinking....sad

Thank you for reminding me that I am strong....a tear was shed when I read that because I forget that....but I shouldn't really be on this planet for some of the things that I have experienced and got thru in life....along with the addiction.

Thank you Robin smile

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Awe...thank you for taking the time to right that inspiration passage smile...

I need to start building my bridge....I need to not THINK that self sabatoge will make any of this any better....Sometimes the escape factor takes over and I get careless.

About 7 or 8 times a day...I get this overwhelming surge of emotion that brings me to tears because I don't know how to expel the pain....and DRINK comes to mind very quickly.....

However, I am walking myself thru each scenerio from the past 2 years in which I have drank...and EVERY time...not just 1 or 2 times...but EVERY time...I end up in rough shape in hospital....

Drink is not an answer for me....THE GYM is....maybe.

So...frig that I am BROKE.....live for the day.....I have the 60 bucks today...that will give me at least a month of the gym.....I'm going for it!

9

OMG...in my first sentence I wrote...taking the time to "right" the passage.

I know you know what it means "write"...but this is how my mind is working now....its not working correctly and it comes out in many ways throuought the day.....

I hate it!

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I LOVE this prespective from someone who has been living with an alcoholic! 

I love that I was able to help you understand Jim.

The meeting with your sisters...Yea, same thing here....THAT is what my family is most upset about....is that they see me....we have wonderful "first" time conversations and enjoyments...and THEN....I disappear into alcohol obliviion.

They are sick of me only being available when it suits ME....they are sick of getting their hopes up that I will not drink THIS TIME....so like you said EXACTLY...."The fear of the unknown" makes them just stay away.

You also struck a cord....when you said instead of focusing on my triumph...I am having to focus on the pain....Thank you for articulating that point....that is SO true and that is why I am SO angry.

I'm like LOOK...I'm doing good in the face of uncertainty financially....uncertainty healthwise (always having tests), always in pain when I get up from sitting, always stumbling, losing balance (sober..lol)...and LOOK...there is NO ONE around to witness that I am not using alcohol to NUMB it all. sad

All that aside....I see my Dr today my (General Practioner)...I love her....and this will be the first time regardless of how broken I feel...that I will NOT be a mess in her office....its weird...its like I don't have the energy to be a mess...SO, this may be interpreted as I feel better...which is weird because I feel WORSE.

But, her office braces themselves (I know they do) when I come in because you never know what you will get.  

I am usually a raving, hyper, crying maniac....needing attention.

Today I will walk in somber...i know it because i feel "somber".

They all will be like "who is this"?  LOL.

 

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Hi misssy. So glad you are sober but so sad you are in pain emotionally and physically. Like myself.

I have got so much from your post and identify with it so much.

Everyone else's have been very moving and haelpful to me too. They've had me in tears too. You are so loved on this site for your advice and honesty plus making us all laugh at times.

Hope it all goes well at the Drs. I saw mine a couple of days ago and she is amazing and so helpful, empathetic and left me feeling really positive. 

When I left her I commented it's the first time I've left without crying with her. I'm so blessed that I have her helping me and I never feel rushed, like at my previous Drs. 

Good luck today and lots of love to you xx

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Short posts in case they disappear!!....

I have so much guilt at what I've put my family through, my mum and dad, plus 16 year old son never give up on me, though disappointed when I drink they understand my illness and always remain positive, don't judge me and ready to help me when I'm ready. I have sent them posts from Paul, Joanna and others to help them understand my illness. My girls, well we still talk and text( they live an hours drive away) but I've a long way to go until I have the relationship I had with them before I became a horrendous alcoholic. This makes me so sad. I think when you've been sober for a long time 🙏 you're family will come round and let you be part of their lives again. I hope I can manage that with my daughters too.

What is done is done, we can't change the past, but we can change our future. Bless you misssy xx

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All fine Missy...since my near fatal car crash I have become a VERY strong person but yet forgving very often and with those who deserve my support. you can do it YES   wink Robin (you probably reah my previous post about the car crash...)

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Plus which antidepressant are you trying to come off. Mine is Paxil/seroxat and its hell. Side effects are horrendous. The dr has given me anti sickness tablets, diazepam and codeine( short term) for the migraines, aching muscles, anxiety, insomnia, I have no energy to do anything but give myself one goal a day( your advice, thanks). Small steps...

In 2 and a half weeks I'm down from max dose 50/60 mgs to 20 mgs. Dr has told me to slow down as trying to get off them too fast. 

Hope to hear from you later xx

15

GET OFF SEROXAT.

It is the worst and most dangerous anti depressant ever.

I'm surprised it's still being marketed, Paper.

Sorry to butt into your discussion, Misssy.

Tess xxxxx

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Paper...I don't really understand WHY my family has always turned their backs in times of trouble....especially my boys...who I basically put my life on the line so many times with both of them...getting them out of jams..etc.

Not that money is everything...but I was the only one...buying them cars...fixing their driving tickets...bailing my oldest out of jail...working with him during his heroin addiction (leaving for work 2 hours early to get him to the Methadone clinic)...paying his rent...it goes on and on.

My boys however, do not like my choice of b/f and I believe that is the MAIN reason they don't talk to me...and they blame him for my drinking....

And honestly, since i have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)...the type of people that have this...struggle with relationships.

I myself can not talk to my kids..without saying YOU SHOULD DO THIS...or WHY did you do that? I have never accepted them as adults...and always as my children.

I do the same thing with my parents...especially my mother...she is "crazy" and when I had 8 years of sobriety...I thought I KNEW everything.

Even in my 8 years of sobriety...none of them really liked being around me,,i AM funny and I am "crazy" and they liked that part....but I am a HUGE handful with the hyperactivity...etc.  My mother said last time I saw her...it was very stressful to be around me....(sober).

The alcohol toned me down a bit....but also almost killed me.

I'm so happy you sound well..I AM GETTING THERE...just feeling sad alot lately.  

You also sound like me with the Dr situation...I LOVE MY NEW DR (about 8 months now)...she listens...cares, hugs me when I leave....prescribes medication with care...etc.

I can't take codiene...I get sick on almost every pill.

I have discontinued Celexa (Citalopram)...I'm not feeling any more symptoms from the discontinuation.....

I just get these waves of panic...from what is going on in my life right now. 

 

17

Yes, I did read your post about the car crash....it takes things like that for us to appreciate life.

I DO appreciate life.....its just tough...really tough right now.

Thank you for your compassion...and the inspiration you are for staying SOBER....

18

I don't care about off-topics tess...really I don't.

Any convesation is good and healthy...smile

 

19

Thanks Tess, when I first went on it 20 years ago the gps didn't know the side effects of being on it long term. It was like Prozac, the happy pill, and it really was like a miracle for me. I had a break from it for a year when pregnant with Sam (can't remember side effects then as had morning sickness !) Went back on 3 months after Sam was born and been on it ever since.

My dr says she never prescribes it to anyone. 

20

It made the pharmaceutical ( can't spell?) billions but don't want to get political...