I have suffered from depression on and off since the birth of my second child. The last three years it has been mostly kept in check with mirtazapine. I thought I was stable and haappy. But I have this problem which keeps cropping up when I feel overwhelmed by too many people (family) and I feel so anxious that I want to scream and run away. I am fine if I am by myself, and in all my day to day activities. I run a horse business from home and day to day contact with clients, delivery people and strangers on the phone and in person is fine. I drive my two adult sons around like a taxi, and that is fine. But I need a lot of alone time. I need it to be quiet without TV etc and only limited contact with family. But if anyone comes to stay, I often find myself suddenly and without warning getting suddenly overwhelmed and wanting to run out. I can't hide my feelings. I try to remain 'normal' but I just have to get away.
Yesterday my son and husband were chatting and I was sat between them and the TV was on and their loud voices just made me feel so physically awful and stressed. I had to walk out of the room. Next week my sister is coming with her two children and I need to be supportive of her as her husband has just been diagnosed with cancer and I'm terrified of this feeling coming over me when she is the one who needs support, because when I get the feeling it is uncontrollable and impossible to hide even though I try to, then I feel as though I will break down. What is wrong with me? I thought I was fine, but have realised that it is only because most of my time I can be alone and peaceful. My business prevents me from ever going away and staying with people, and I realise, this is what suits me, but I cannot be like this for ever.
Hi I think some people are just like this - I know I am and found work very difficult because of being surrounded by people all day. I can get very overwhelmed and stressed when there is too much happening at once.
But if you want to change you need to break yourself in gently with more limited company ie a night class or something similiar. Or even just making yourself go to the shops and chat to people. If you know you can get away any time you want then you will relax more and get used to it.
Why don't you tell your family how you feel? Won't they understand? x
hi evergreen..sorry to hear your having problems..does your family know your having these feelings..are you overworked maybe?..i do hope you can get this sorted ..you have been doing so well..xx
Thanks, both for taking the time to reply. No, my family do not know how I feel because it would upset them. I feel as though I don't have the right to feel this way because my life is fine. I have my health and although I do have some money worries, they are not serious. My mum is a very giving person, but also incredibly prickly and easily upset (is always fighting with other family members, though she has improved in the past few years). My sister is so strong mentally and has never suffered from any type of depression and would just not understand. But she has real problems with her husband being diagnosed with stage four cancer, and now, understandably, she is under severe stress and so really needs my support. I think I was having panic attacks incase my anxiety showed itself when I really need to be there for her. I don't want to make it about me. I think that is why I am getting myself into a state, incase I have an anxiety attack while she is here and I have to withdraw. I am frightened of letting her down.
yes you have got that right...you hve enough really to think about ..arethey staying for long?..just try to stay calm,,know it wont be easy..whats the saying,,,breathe in..breathe out!!..you are a strong person..take care xx
Dear Evergreen , you have Said your on Mirtazapine and that It has helped you . That's good to Know but I can only say that while your Meds are helping , they may not help With you having to be at times ' being stifiled with even the ones you love. Its not as if you do not want to be with them, it seems you are perhaps getting enough of "your" time.
Many of us can have people around all the time while others need more "down-time" times to be relaxed enough to recharge what already is a busy life for you.
You did not say what dosage of med you are currently taking and if you have had a recent blood test to measure your vitamin levels like e.g. zinc, potassium etc. Perhaps you ought to speak to your GP and if you are open to it, seek a referall to a CBT Counsellor or a Mindfulness counsellor. Its good for us to air our pent up frustrations with a third party rather than those closest to us. Im not saying your close people will not understand, perhaps they will if you have not already said.
It does us no good to internalise issues which affect our wellbeing and general health. Maybe finding someone who will not be judgemental, someone who can and will listen to your concerns impartialy.
There is so much more I would like to say here but not knowing your med dosage and if you are taking any other self medications e.g. alcohol to cope, im at a disadvantage.
You have written here Evergreen, that, s a beginning. Your reaching out. Im sure when you fully identify the causes of your issues through GP, Maybe Counselling and by other safe means, you will recognise what the possible problem is and so make efforts to create an acceptable solution.
Thanks. I am on 30mg mirtazapine. I drink 2 - 3 glasses of wine most nights, but never more than that. I know this is far too much alcohol. I now have an added stress of a malfunctioning gas gun bird scarer going off all night, but everyone else sleeps through it. I have a handful of temazepam 'for emergencies' but even one of those did not allow me to sleep last night.
All through my childhood I trod on eggshells around my mother due to her getting really angry at people and easily hurt eg one year I bought her a mothers day gift but no card and she went mad at me saying how I didn't get her a card, only a gift. She is very kind and thoughtful with everyone and goes out of her way to help them but the downside is that she is very difficult to be around. Unfortunately, my husband has the same traits and can give me the silent treatment and I have no idea what I've done. I am walking on eggshells with him too and can never feel totally relaxed. I seem to spend my life upsetting him in one way or another. He can go for weeks being lovely, and then all of a sudden the dark cloud descends and I've done something to upset him. I think perhaps these two people who are so close to me in my life, have caused me to be like this. I had some councelling which helped a little but not much really.
Thanks, it won't be too long as they are leaving tomorrow. Luckily, I wasn't too bad last night when everyone was round. Just a bit thick headed (couldn't think off words etc), but no panic attacks. It was a nice ebvening really.