Can anyone help me with my symptoms..?

Mental health
1

I am a 22 year old female, I was raped when 17 on my first girls holiday, but also have grown up with a violent, addict father.

I have always been quite an angry character, I guess which has been the result of my fathers doing, since I was raped I have suffered from sporadic nightmares, depression, anxiety and anger episodes, although I have managed to hide these well for a long time and they are quickly becoming a lot worse.

I have attempted suicide twice, with no luck, to which I am grateful of now, although still this sometimes takes over me.

I have had recent bouts of anger to the point of holding a knife to my throat and threatening to kill my husband, I rarely remember much in these moments, almost like an out of body experience, where I would watch myself from another side of the room and have no control over it and at first I would joke that "my evil twin" had come out to play, but this has got past the point of humour, after my last episode, I promised to go get help, sometimes after I have calmed down I am in denial of what I have done, because I simply cannot remember doing it.

Recently my nightmares are becoming so bad I am waking up around 8 or 9 times a night, screaming, shouting, kicking, punching and crying.

I have never seen a councillor, but am currently on my 2nd meeting with psychotherapist, she is focusing on my anger but doesn't seem to be taking into account my nightmares, flashbacks or feeling low and helpless.

I am not diagnosed with PTSD but my mother, who works in mental health, suggested today that I look into it as she recognises the signs. Please could anyone give me any advice if this sounds like PTSD? and how can I suddenly be suffering from it, 5 years later?

Thankyou in advance.

2

Sweetie, first of all, massive (((hugs))) You are amazingly brave for sharing this with us. My first thought is did you speak to anyone, like Rape Crisis at the time of your attack?

i have had events in my life that have left me angry to the point that I'm going to explode. How can people who are supposed to love and protect us hurt us so much? But they do. Then they walk away with zero guilt and leave us to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives.

i have been diagnosed with PTSD by my psychiatrist. Do you have flashbacks at all? Where it feels like you are back there all over again? The rest of your symptoms are just like mine. You could have been suffering it all this time, but it just surfaced now.

You need to be referred to a Psychiatrist for assessment. I take quetiapine at night which helps me sleep and ensures I don't have nightmares. I wish you luck and I'm always here if you need to talk.x

3

Hello, thank you for replying to me, no I did not speak to anyone about my attack, I was in Magaluf, Spain at the time and was attacked by 4 English men, I got taken to the hospital for examination, but was due to fly home 2 hours later and I just wanted to get home to my family, so I discharged myself and did not stay for examination.

the girls I went on holiday with thought it would be an excellent idea to tell everyone when we got back home, and they laughed and said I was making it up, so no I decided to bury it right down and close the door and never think about it again. (Which has caused me absolute emotional torture along the way)

the only time I really get flashbacks are when I am being intimate with my husband, It's like I become locked in and he is not my husband anymore and I just lay there unable to move, but he is amazing and recognises all the signs that it is happening. I always thought I could deal with it myself but it is getting harder and harder,

I also get flashbacks from times where my dad has been attacking my step mother, especially the time when I was 10 and he held her over the edge of a mountain and was slamming her head in the car door.

he also tried to attack my husband on our wedding day and was threatening people with a kitchen knife, which was 8 months ago.

I don't talk about anything to anyone, as I physically can't, it feels like someone fills my throat with cement and it's impossible, which is why i've ended up here. Thank you for helping.

4

OK, can you do me a favour? I'm not allowed to post links, so can you google rape crisis? You absolutely must get some therapy over this. My heart is going out to you right now. All I can say is that I understand more than you realise about rape. If you want to talk to me, I'm more than happy. Just drop me a private message. But first of all, go google rape crisis. Please? Take the first step to cutting this loose.

5

Sounds like you are suffering from complex trauma. .

something I suffer from too.

out of body experiences often called depersonalisation which is when our brain protects ourselves and usually we have similar symptoms to pstd like flash backs which bring on depression and anxiety.

talking therapy and mood stabalizers are the best treatment.

I'm currently under both but still suffer from severe mood swings and depersonalisation. But have started to reconise why I'm suffering. .

6

I too  had an addict parent, abuse and raped twice all before my 18th birthday, and kept it all to myself, but it doesnt go away, it slowly drips like a tap, flash-backs, you can even smell and feel the atmosphere as if it has just happened.  I too struggled when intimate with my husband,  I felt sick, angry and panicky.  I have had lots of therapies over the years, with little help, but in my early thirties I exploded and couldnt cope anymore.  Luckily my doctor listened and sent me for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), it is based on the concept that your thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and actions are interconnected and that negative thoughts and feelings can trap you in a vicious cycle.  It was tough as you have to confront your traumas straight in the eye, I was petrified to unlock my memory back to the moments, but being brave, you can do it, its a little strange as while bringing your memories back up you tap your legs, this strangely helps the brain tap into your memory box, my therapist said that trauma can sometimes get caught in a memory box sat between the short-term memory and long-term memory and slowly drips the memory as is it has just happened, leaving constantly in a trauma state.  For the first time in my life, I still have the memories, but they are way back in my long-term memory, no more anxiety attacks, feeling constantly scared, I still struggle a little with intimacy but dont panic, feel sick or anger.  My depression has gone and can see a positive future, so I know this is  long-winded but please be kind to yourself as you deserve to have a happy future, it sounds like you have an amazing partner, find a Rape Crisis centre, definately get CBT, and confront your nightmares as it wont get easier and go away until you confront it.  Hope this helps, we are all holding your hand x

7

Hi,

My own experience would lead me to think you are suffering the consequences of both emotional and physical abuse.  I would follow your mother’s advice and seek further help in the form of specialist counselling – which CBT is not.  You have experienced things which require help from specialists in the areas of emotional and physical abuse.  In the meantime you can also help yourself to understand how the mind works having experienced trauma and abuse by reading articles and books written by psychologists/psychotherapists.  Thinking of how your step-father behaved when you were growing up, it is now increasingly recognised that emotional abuse can be equally as damaging as physical abuse.  Best wishes – it may be a long process but please explore further specialist help, you deserve it.

8

Hi rosiemags123, I can't believe it's taken this long for anyone to do anything for you, you definitely are suffering after being traumatised in childhood, if anything your doctor should have recognised your symptoms and done something, I think you need a new doctor and someone who understands how you feel and what you're going through.  I hope your psycho therapy helps, good luck!

9

It does sound like you have Post Traumatic Stress.

Those people who said you were making it up are not worth mixing with. It is hard to find genuine friends but you will make new acquaintances in the future who will care about your welfare.

I have flashbacks just like yours and have even said when outside my home "Oh, stop it". Luckily I don't shout or it would attract attention.

Perservere with your psychotherapist. If not ask your doctor about Cognitive behaviour therapy.

Hugs

10

I liked your reply. Am going to try CBT sometime in the future. It is trial and error with doctors getting us right.

11

Hi rosiemags, I think you have ptsd too, like most of us on here or all maybe?  Good luck with you support, I hope your psychotherapist helps you, it sounds like you need it!