Can anyone relate to me?

Mental health
1

Hi everyone,

I've come to this forum to see if anyone can relate to my situation. For almost 9 years since I was a young teenager I have suffered from what I can now say with more certainty is depression. I can say without a doubt that it is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. One of the main things that was keeping me in the cycle of depression was believing that I would never be able to stop feeling this way, that there was something intrinsically "wrong" with me and I was different from everyone else - these thoughts kept me stuck in it. 

However, I am now on the road to recovery smile My priority now is reaching out to anyone who's ever felt this way. I think it's so important to release the stigma attached to depression that it's not a real illness or not as serious as others.

I've listed the symptoms I had below:

Feeling completely disconnected from myself and other people including family and loved ones. At times I wondered if I even still loved them.

Feeling ashamed of being like this, criticising myself for everything

Everything seems to be measured on a lower set of scales than everyone else in terms of mood ie. sadness feels 100% stronger than it would to a normal person, whereas happiness was almost "diluted". 

I never truly got happy/excited/or looked forward to the smallest most trivial things like taking a bath, shopping or sleep. 

Strong proccupation with the past

Seeing only negative things in life & negative in even the things that weren't there

Constantly afraid of interaction - for me, social anxiety went hand in hand with my depression

At my most depressive time a few years ago, I was on the train and looking out the window the trees seemed to sway. It was a horrendous experience and I believe it was due to my feeling so depressed with a vortex of thoughts swirling in my head.

Intrusive thoughts

Feeling completely useless and unimportant. I think this more than anything was the cause of my depression, but it's strange because I had a very normal childhood.

All in all, I think the fact that I am just a very sensitive person must've played a big part in triggering the depression. They also say that depression can sometimes have no cause, so I suppose I was one of those unlucky ones.

I'm getting better now though and I just wanted to know, can anybody relate to this, even slightly?

Thanks for reading, if you did.

2

Hi , get dr tim cantopher's book depression curse of the strong , very readable and may help u understand yourself and depression in general , keep getting well and best wishes L x

3

Thanks for the reply, lynne05476! 

I'll be looking into that book smile x

4

hi i can relate to some of what u are saying...feeling of no importance in life and feeling im helping everyone else but no one is helping me! like you, i have had enuff and am reaching out for help! if they help i dont know! people dont understand depression, and its about time people understood this...they say chin up wish it was as easy as that but now when people say to me chin up ur strong means be conferdent . wish it was as easy as that! im also a very sensitive person i think this does play a part in depression..as a child my parents would punish me for crying and being sensitive but im me i cant change..its them with the problem! glad ur on the upp...julie

5

Hi julie1111, I can understand feeling unimportant. People like us have a strong need to be liked/needed. I know that people with depression are very nice and kind people. Maybe you should start helping yourself before helping others? smile And you are totally right, we often beat ourselves up for being "too sensitive" but without sensitivity where would we be in this world? It would be a life of violence and crime if no one was sensitive of each others' feelings! This should be something that's taught in schools so kids know how to deal with sensitivity at a young age.

Thank you for your reply, and good luck to you! 

6

hi isnowdropi,

         You are so right i should start helping my self more it is probely because i want to be liked! and needed..its a pattern i need to stop doing! true word and thank you..julie 

7

Hi

Thanks for your post it's helped me understand why my husband is struggling and why he is stuck and how it affects your feelings for loved ones.  He has said he feels everything is permanent and negative, I know it won't be permanent as I've had anxiety myself and got through it eventually.   

I couldn't understand why I had anxiety as I'm normally confident and kept thinking why me, I thought I must be weak but it can happens to anyone, although I felt very ill at the time I'm now much stronger as a result.

It's great to hear you are getting better and coming out the other side.

8

Hi, yes I know exactly what you mean, all of these have been what I have felt and even after medication over a number of years I still feel the same but in a reduced manner. Fortunatly my family, I think understand and allow me to live in my own space within the house. I can stay in my room un hassled, as I suppose I should as it is my house. I have learn in time to handle it to a greater extent and to hide it from the world (I think) its a case of having to else, you would loose your freedom to an extent as the doctor hands your detalils to the Mental health team and they visit. A couple of years ago I wrote to my doctor telling her I had moved and didnt answer the door, and they gave up on me. I more or less live a normal life and I am not happy, but as happy as I think I can be. The only problem is it appears my medication is going to stop being produced so I am a bit scared things will change as I will have to go onto new medication. I am glad you are now better and please G-d you stay that way.

9

Yes to nearly all of the above. You are not alone in your depression and you are not alone getting through it. I can identify with a lot of what you said. 

It's great you're on the road to recovery, me too! I guess just sometimes it can be slow going! Wish there was a time machine instead! 

I absolutely agree with getting rid of the stigma. There is nothing worse for a depressed person than for someone to basically tell them to get over themselves and stop complaining/over-reacting/fussing/accusing them of crocodile tears. I think it's very hard for people to understand unless they've gone through it but I guess that means that it's up to us who have to speak up and let them know! 

I wish you all the best isnowdropi! Things will be better!! 

anonymousgirl

10

Hi jackie82937,

Glad that my post could be of help to you. You're right, nothing is ever permanent, I think that human faith is a very strong thing and change is possible for everybody. You're right as well, that anxiety/depression can affect anybody and sometimes it is simply a chemical imbalance in the brain.

It's great that you are feeling stronger despite having to go through such difficult obstacles

All the best and take care.

11

Hi abraham62199,

I'm sorry you are feeling low. I've never heard of the doctors following up on patients to the extent of actually calling upon your door; I've given my details to my local mental health team and they've never broached upon my privacy. However, if you don't want them to contact you, that is fully up to you. My own experience with them has been very helpful, I was with 'Steps to Wellbeing' who are based in areas around the UK. I've done CBT therapy sessions with them and they valued my privacy as well as helped me get out of my depression quite significantly. Everybody is different though and I can understand if you would rather not have therapy. Sometimes it's a case of self-help, including meditation and looking within yourself.

I can completely understand feeling like there is a limit to your happiness and it's all too easy to believe you will stay that way. But I encourage you to never stop striving for the happiness you deserve, because everyone deserves to be happy.

Thank you for your well wishes and good luck to you, isnowdropi   

12

Thank you so much for your reply. It's such a relief to hear that other people can relate to me, particularly after so many years of being ashamed of myself and not understanding what was wrong with me or speaking out about it. 

I'm glad to hear you're on the way to being better as well smile You couldn't have put it better than me! A time machine would be brilliant. But one of the most important things, I suppose, in dealing with depression is focusing on the here and now, the present.

Yes, it's never nice to hear those words and of course it's worse when you have depression because you are even more sensitive to those words! 

I wanted to ask as well, do you know of any groups/societies or campaigns to bring awareness to depression? I'd love to be able to speak up about it and help people like us if that's at all possible.

Wishing you all the best too, keep strong and steady,

isnowdropi

13

Thanks Isnowdropi

Sadly my husband has felt things are permanent for the past 12 months, he left us 8 months ago after 34 years together, we all know he's acting and behaving out of character but he's trying to sort this on his own wihtout meds and cousnelling which is why it's taking so long.   I found diaries going back to his teenage years where he had written about feeling depressed.  We've done all we can but of the advice of the MH support Group are now totally ignoring him like the naughty child in the corner.

All we hope is he eventaully sees he needs help and asks for it.  He's presently trying to divorce me as he feels I will be better off without him, told me about rainbows he'd paid to kill me, the need to live on his own to control food, shopping and cleaning.  I've faced two family deaths and skin cancer so Divorce is the least of my worries, the main worry is reposession of our home and bancruptcy.  I try and laugh most days or I to would go down the depression route. 

Thanks again.