I have depression and various other mental health illnesses. I've been close to this boy- well, I thought so anyway. We had sex and he knew exactly how vulnerable I was when it all happened and now. He knew I wasn't even sure on whether we should be doing it due to how vulnerable I was but it happened. Put it this way, he has used me. I know it is not rape or anything as I never said I didn't want it. But I can't help but feel he has used my vulnerability to get what he wants and that's it. I'm extremely hurt at the fact he has used me knowing how vulnerable I was at the time and still am now. I don't know what to do, I mean would this even be classed as something?? I don't know, I just feel broken, sick and like I can't breath.
Sadly when people suffer D and MH issues we are vulnerable. I will give you an example I have a friend who is married and she is having sex with another guy, the other guy knows she is vulnerable but it doesn't stop him using her, however, she wants sex with him as much as he wants sex with her and she constanly chases him I would say it's on the verge of stalking him, after having sex she feels guilt, feels empty, alone and soulless.
If you both consent to sex how can it be classed as anything? Would it be fair to accuse someone of something they have not done? I think if you look closely you will see it relates to D and feelings of regret and remorse. The positve thing is you realise you are vulnerable, all you can do is put it down to experience and address your issues to increase your self esteem.
I agree and that's why id never accuse him of anything. But there are certain things he knew of and that were said that made him fully aware if how vulnerable I am. Yes I feel hurt as would anyone, but my point is he has taken in every single detail and used this to his own advantage.
Sadly some people will, he's not a nice kind or caring person to be around then so he's best avoided. My friend I mentioned has severe D the guy she's seeing is a sociopath. Sometimes when we have issues ourselves we can attract others in similar positions. My husband is BP he left 17 months ago now drinking to numb the anxiety and with a woman who is an alcoholic. Here is another example I am left with selling the family home we have lost everything, people know we are desparate to sell so have put silly offers in which i have now had to accept. there is always someone waiting to take advantage
What you are experiencing is regret over having sex with someone who was not the person you hoped they were. You will be feeling angry and disgusted that you let him have sex with you whilst you were vunerable. Some women do bring rape charges in these cases which I feel is totally unfair on the boy who is just acting like a typical highly sexed young man. Yes, in an ideal world he should be more considerate and not have sex with a girl unless he is absolutely certain that she wants it and is not 'vunerable', but doesn't that take away the responsibility of the girl to ensure that she does not have sex if she is feeling vunerable? Why should it be the boy's responsibility to weigh up the mental state of his partners? He is not medically trained, so how would he really understand? Just telling someone you have depression does not equal them understanding it. MOST people do not understand depression unless they have it themselves or they are close to someone who has. My husband of 25 years still does not understand depression even though I have suffered from it for over 20 years.
So you cannot blame the boy for you having sex, unless you told him you didn't want it or he forced himself on you. The only positive thing you can take out of this is to learn from it and not have sex with a boy again unless you really want to. I hope that you begin to feel better soon. Please take responsibility for yourself.
I am sorry to hear you're having such a terrible time right now, hope things pick up for you.
"Typical highly sexed young man"?!
I think you could have been a lot more sensitive in your response there like.
This is a common trend of thought at the minute (even a judge commented on it), that somehow young men should be allowed some degree of lenience for poor sexual conduct simply because they are young men ("on the rut" was the phrase the judge used). Whereas young women should go out of their way to make sure they are not in a state of vulnerability where a man could take advantage of the situation.
I think it's a terrible way of looking at things; if you're old enough to be having sex, you should be old enough to appreciate when somebody is not an appropriate sexual partner (no matter their willingness) whether it be due to their mental health, their level of intoxication or way they are dressed.
This girl is obviously feeling very upset about what happened to her, and rightly so, and maybe a bit more sympathy and a little less "take responsibility for yourself" wouldn't go amiss.
Just a thought.
️️Thankyou for your response, I don't think others understand much the problems my mental health illnesses cause; understandably as I haven't expalined them all. However, what I am trying to explain is that although I never denied consent, the boy was in fact very aware of everything and knew he could get away with certain things. I have recently just found out he also was accused of rape on another girl and maybe this is why I am beginning to wonder myself if he used all of these vulnerabilities to his own advantage. So far you seem to be the only seeing why I am upset, maybe it's just me. But I guess when it's uourself going throught it, you know everything that happened and therefore know what it pushes towards more x
I can assure you, he knew a lot more than me just having "depression". I'd also like to state that when as vulnerable as I was at that time, I am in no fit state to be making decisions and that too, he was fully aware afain.
Jodie,
I really feel for you.
I've been in a similar situation, and it is extremely difficult.
I understand all of your feelings about it not being rape as such but this person did take advantage of you.
You say they knew a lot about you and how you were feeling, how vulnerable you were, and if they knew this they should have had the decency to not partake in sex with you.
They should have waited until they were sure you were in a fit state to cope with the emotional fall out sex often brings.
I spoke to my psychologist about my experience of this happening to me, and the conflicting feelings in that you know you consented to sex, but deep down you and he both knew you weren't in a fit state to do so.
This person has abused a position of trust and now needs to be avoided at all costs. From what you say about his past he sounds very predatory and he should be deeply ashamed of himself.
You shouldn't be ashamed though, you aren't well, he knew that, he should not have been intimate with you when he knew you were in such a vulnerable place. Please do not feel like your feelings of being used and confused, angry even, are unjustified. You have every right to feel that way.
Is there anybody you can talk to about this?
Are you involved with any mental health services or have a friend or relative you can talk to about this incident and your general mental state?
I think you need some support so that untrustworthy people like the person you slept with don't manage to take advantage of you again.
Please take good care of yourself.
Lots of kind thoughts and best wishes xxx
This has been going on from the dawn of time. Girls getting 'used' by men and then cast aside when they have had their way. Only now has it become common for women scorned to accuse them of rape. Sometimes a young man's life is ruined for years due to untrue accusations. Of course I understand how devastating it is to give yourself to a boy only to have him drop you afterwards, but it is NOT a reason to cry rape, even if you have mental health problems. It seems that the reason the OP is so uoset is that she thought she was 'close' to this boy but found out that he was in fact only after one thing. Would she be feeling the same way if she had had sex with him and now they were going steady? Of course not. So it is not the sex act itself but the rejection afterwards that is causing her all the pain. Now she regrets giving herself to him and feels wretched and used. She would not feel like that if he hadn't rejected her after they had had sex. It is not rape.
I really do feel for her. It is always the 'vunerable' girls that end up being used. It's not nice. The boy is not a nice person, but I really do hate the way it seems that men can be accused of rape in almost any situation nowadays.
I have never accused him of rape and made that very clear. I would never accuse someone of something they haven't done. Yoibsay this but are not able to judge exactly when you do not know exactly everything that had gone on. I appreciate your opinion but it's not as straightforward as it sounds on the post.
Sorry Jodie, I was replying to Audrey as she seemed to be implying that this boy was guilty of rape. I know you are not accusing him of that. He does sound like a thoroughly horrible young man. I am just being a realist and pointing out that most people DON'T understand what mental illness is like ESPECIALLY hormone charged boys with only one thing on their minds. I think it is unrealistic to expect them all to be understanding when even normal more mature people can be ignorant of mental health issues. I really am not being unsympathetic towards you and know exactly how you must feel. I am just trying to point out the realities of life and hope that you will learn from this horrid episode.
It's been going on since the dawn of time? Agh well that's ok then!
If that's the case why aren't we still doing all of the other things that have been going on since the "dawn of time" that are absolutely reprehensible in a modern, civilised society? Ridiculous argument to make.
Honestly what on earth are you talking about?!
You are the person who keeps bringing up the rape suggestion. The original post has said repeatedly she is not accusing him of rape, and I did not accuse him of that either.
I said he abused a position of power. I said he took advantage of a vulnerable individual. I'd feel the same way if it was a man who had been used by a woman.
It's the fact that this girl was vulnerable, made that clear, and this was not taken into consideration by her sexual partner. Please don't use hormones as some sort of excuse, that is grossly insulting.
Do you know the amount of hormones young women have raging through their bodies? Your argument is just so out of line.
For the record, I've also had a close male friend who was wrongly accused of rape, and it was awful. But that is not what is happening here.
This girl is saying she feels he played on all the information he had about her vulnerabilities and mental health, and used them to his advantage. I don't really think that is open for debate.
I'm agreeing that he did a bad thing, and that he abused a position of trust.
I am not saying he raped her. She is not saying he raped her.
I'm saying I think it's disgusting that she should get anything but sympathy for the situation she's found herself in. Also I think the person she slept with should not be met with anything other than condemnation.
As a side note can we not say 'vulnerable'; that implies the vulnerability is in question. This girl was vulnerable. No quotation marks needed.
I quoted because it WAS a quote, not to insinuate that she was not vunerable. I have also said more than once that this boy is horrible. How do you read into this I am not sympathetic? The reason I thought you were implying that he was guilty of rape was because you quoted a judge's comment on this type of behaviour. Why else would a judge be commenting if not in a rape trial? So I was under the impression you were insinuating the OP's position was comparible.
I actually think that it is irresponsible to tell the OP that she is in no way responsible for herself. This only reinforces a sense of helplessness which is not helpful in preventing this happening again.
I'm not saying she shouldn't be responsible for herself, I'm saying that sometimes people can't be responsible for themselves. It's not a matter of choice, it's the fact that your head is so unwell you can be unable to make decisions that are truly what is best for you.
Quite clearly you have never been in a situation, or certainly don't seem to appreciate, that when you are in such a state of poor mental health, you are very vulnerable, and sometimes unable to be responsible for your decisions.
That is why civilised societies take steps to protect people who are unable to protect themselves due to mental illness, age, disability and the like.
I just think your phrasing is distinctly lacking in compassion, which she clearly needs right now.
You do not know me or what I have been through, so perhaps you should be a little less judgemental. I don't know why you feel qualified to critisise other people's advice. This is an open forum and we all have our own ways of approaching things. I give a lot of my time trying to help people on here, especially when I see they haven't had any replies, as well as suffering from depression myself for over twenty years.
Thanks Jodie
I don't think I'm being judgemental, I'm sorry if you feel that way.
You're right, I don't know what you've been through, but you don't know what I've been through either.
My purpose wasn't to judge you or your experiences, but to comment on the way you responded to what I saw as a vulnerable girl seeking some compassion and support.
I didn't think it was necessary for you to refer to her need to take responsibility for herself when she may not be feeling able to at the moment, and quite clearly needs an advocate of some kind.
I also did not think it was necessary for you to repeatedly reference innocent young men being wrongly accused of rape (as neither the OP or I were accusing anybody of rape).
Furthermore your points on young men being hormone filled and acts such as the one the OP going on since the "dawn of time", seemed to in some way condone bad sexual conduct (on the part of men, anyway) despite your protestations that that wasn't your intention.
I feel qualified to challenge advice that might, unintentionally or otherwise, cause more pain and suffering for somebody reaching out for help and understanding during an already painful time.
I appreciate that this is an open forum, but I think it is a reasonable expectation that those who offer advice truly consider what kind of support the OP needs, rather than the advice that they want to give.
I'm very sorry that you've been suffering from depression for so long. So have I and I know how terrible it is. I think it is admirable that you wish to support people.
That said, I stand by my point that it is important to consider the needs of those you are offering support to, to ensure more pain, anxiety and self doubt is not caused.
Audrey, I give the support I think a poster NEEDS not what they want. It is very easy to always saywhat a person wants to hear. Much more difficult to identify the real problem and try to address that. What you are doing is facilitating a sense of helplessness which will be counter productive for the OP.
We will have to agree to differ on this one, I'm afraid. I think your responses are niave, you think mine are harsh, so be it.