Can't take it much longer

Mental health
1

I'm so ready to just give up on life. How do people keep going on? I felt happy for a couple days this month but the darkness has returned & the time spend alone this summer doesn't help. I tell myself each night tomorrow I will go outside,  tomorrow I will go to the gym but today i walked to the gym only to see too many cars and decided to go for a walk instead.

I've suffered with depression and anxiety for 7 months now, I'm not on any meds, I've tried a few & it just left me feeling empty & numb and I don't want to rely on medication for the rest of my life.

I'm suppose to be getting married in a month to the love of my life, the man who has stood by me through my sick leave from work (the major cause of depression ) through 2 miscarriages in March & 5 weeks ago, his own job lost which he just got back up and found another job. He's an amazing man & I can't even imagine how I ended up with him. He makes me laugh (well tries too, sometimes I can't find it in myself to laugh) he is the better part of my day and even though I know he has mini projects & passionate he wants to pursue he still takes time every night to cuddle me on the couch well we watch some tv. 

We have been together 6 years and like I said we are suppose to be getting married, everyone around us is so excited expect for me, the other day I woke up and this thought popped into my head that I don't love him anymore. I've had similar thoughts but more along the lines of I'm not in love with him anymore but they come and go but this was a more I don't love him anymore period.  However I think I still love spending time with him & I still want to be with him, I can't even imagine him NOT in my life, if he had been around I probably would have given up months ago.  The thought breaking my heart make my chest hurt & I cry. That's all I do at the moment cry & self talk, I still want to marry him, I know i still love him somewhere in my body and I don't want to do something I know I will regret when the fog lifts (my counselor told me to stop referring to the depression as depression)

I don't want to lose him and if I do what is the point of going on anymore, I hate my job,  I use to love it but I was knocked down a few times at that place & bullied by my teaching partner. I put in for a transfer & was happy at first but now I'm just mad & frustrated. These were my kids & my class, I was there 2 years, she was there 9 months! My principal was no help just told me to switch schools rather then fix the problem with a very simple solution!

I know I've posted here before and probably very similar but i just don't know what to do! I call the help lines and I've told my fiance this but I can it in his eyes it is killing him too, he has tried his best for us & things have just gotten hard, life had gotten hard and instead of trying to keep fighting I just feel like giving up. This isn't who I am! I can still see myself in my mind some times. The Girl I want to be, confidence & so in love with my partner like before but I can't find her.

Does anyone have any suggestions  (again I'm not looking to be medicated, naturally as possible) and yes I've smoked weed and it helped for awhile kept me calm but now it rages a war in my head where one voice says leave & another say stay and my fiance finds me in the bathroom in tears.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

2

I also struggle with anxiety and on Monday I postponed the wedding on to feel horrible the next day about it because I was so sure the wedding wasn't going to happen that I couldn't get excited for it then I go and cancel the wedding and of course I cant get excited for it.

My fiance is at a new job he hates! Absolutely hate so he's unhappy with his job as well and I often wonder if maybe that why at home i feel such a dis connect and I have to remind myself he helped when I was struggling and I need to do the same

3

Nicole I am so sorry you are struggling so much. Those negative thoughts and voices are just the depression. I know exactly how you feel. I too am struggling but getting better bit by bit. I spent most of today with terrible depression, anxiety, nausea and crying. But it's becoming less and less. 

You are a valuable person to this world and especially your fiancé.

I know you may not want to hear it but medication has worked for me and many people. I wish I didn't need it but am thankful there is something out there that can help. My family deserves the best me I can be and I can't do that without the help of medication. There are so many options out there that I'm sure there is something that would work for you. 

If you had epilepsy, or diabetes wouldn't you take medication to keep your healthy that way?

It is your choice but you have been trying to do it on your own for so long. You and your fiancé deserve to be happy and enjoy life and each other.

I wish you all the best with whatever you do, and wish for a happy, healthy life for you.

4

Thank you, I just wish I knew the root of the entire problem, I wish I could feel the happiness I felt earlier this month even though sometime it felt a bit more forced it was good/weird to be smiling again. I will keep what you said in mind for sure.

5

Hi Nicole. I can only tell you my experience of meds and like you, I was very reluctant to start on them.,I was fearful of all the chemicals in my system. But in the end I had to take them, I was so low, I could not function, couldn't even get out of bed at all. It a bit of a jungle out there when it comes to finding one that suits you, but please don't let that put you off. If you trust your Gp, then they will know which one to,start you on. You will lift gradually, it takes time, sometimes up to 6-8 weeks, but I noticed around 2-3 weeks I was feeling like I wanted to do things again. I'm not saying it's for everyone, but perhaps you could talk to your Gp about all of this. The right one will help you. Research will tell you to,stay away from the weed. Especially while you are depressed. About your wedding, if it was me, I would postpone it. At least until you feel well enough. You want to enjoy your special day with this special man, and the fact you are questioning how you feel about your fiancée tells me perhaps it's not the right time. Good luck Nicole, I wish you all the best. Julia 

6

I know how you feel. Thinking giving up is the best option. I've been suffering from depression for two months, I know it doesn't sound long compared to many but it's felt extremely terrible, unbearable, and hopeless. I'm not willing to take medication either UNLESS I actually have a chemical imbalance which can only be helped with medication. I would think you're suffering from situational depression. One thing I suggest is practicing mindfulness. It helps yoi learn to differenatiate between thoguhts and who you really are. I have thoguhts that nothing will get better, I don't avoid I accept and once I accept these thoguhts as thoguhts it helps a lot. You have to hangs that habit of negative thinking. Your brain is able to adapt to anything very well and your brain wires change a lot so if you fill positive or optimistic thoguhts your brain will leech into that pattern. I have thoughts like "oh you're never gonna get better, life will never change, you're always gonna be depressed deep down, what's the point of happiness". My brain fights me when I think anything positive it's as if it wants to stay depressed. You need to control. Your brain is nothing without your soul. It's merely a false reality your brain is putting you in but without YOU your brain is nothing. Take control. Don't avoid negative thoguhts but just go with the flow and remember that it's not YOU talking but the depression. Push yourself to be positive as hard as it can be. Your brain will try to dig deeper and deeper into the hole of negativity but just stop at the moment. It's okay to question these thoguhts but realize that it's part of depression. NO MATTER how scary or bad the thoughts are I promise it's just depression. You are capable of anything. You can switch reality from depression easily BUT it will take time. Don't expect just to be okay from having one good moment. Those moments will gradually become more and more common and the negative thoughts will slowly fade away. Take care and sorry for the long paragraph. I promise it will get better.