CFCs and dating

Brain and nerves
1

Hi fellow sufferers of CFS/ME

I suffer from CFS which as you all know is very exhausting, frustrating and isolating, particularly for those of us who aren't married or in a relationship. I get really lonely when I have days stuck at home with no one to talk to because I have no energy to go out. I'm feeling very down at the moment as a result. I'd love to share my life with someone as I have a lot of love to give and lots of interests. I don't feel that a 'normal' dating sure would work for us because of our limitations but if we could meet a fellow sufferer, we could both help and support each other. What do people think? 

This has got me thinking about whether there might be an on line dating a website for people with CFS/ME ? Does anyone know of one? Maybe we could start one?!

be interested to hear what you all think on this matter.

Mary

2

great idea, since having CFS had this thought many times.

3

It's certainly true that the only person who will know what it's like to have ME/CFS is another sufferer and it would be a lot easier to have a relationship with someone who didn't have the expectations of someone fit and healthy.

Sounds like a great idea, where do we all sign up .... cheesygrin

4

Sex life wouldn't be upto much though, noticed with CFS sex drive non existent.

5

My thoughts exactly. You have to suffer from this horrible condition to understand it. I wouldn't know how to go about starting such a service but if enough people were interested perhaps we could get some advice from somewhere? 😀

6

Hi Mary,

Oh boy, I know what you mean.  I've been on my own since 2002, and sometimes it is good to be alone, but the majority of the time it's a pain. I used to go to the local M.E Group sessions in Portsmouth, and they used to tell us to 'delegate chores to others in our household'!!!  What others?!! There was just me and another woman who lived alone.

If only eh!!!  

A year before I came down with M.E, I 'bumped' into my ex (we were together for 8 years, from 1990 to 1998).  He had chronic M.E and I started to look after him.  However, a year down the line, he told me he didn't want me any more - I am sure it wasn't because he thought he was a burden - he has always been far too selfish for that!!!

Not long after we split again, I got M.E and although I suddenly realised what he'd been going through since 2001, I had not minded and was adamant that I could help him.

So, although it sounds great that someone with our illness could help each other pull through, I don't know if it would?

Mind you, there are SO many unselfish men out there, so I am sure it COULD happen?

I am an optimist at heart and live in hope.  So I am with you girl!!  BUT I often worry that men may become too dependent on us, and we end up getting worse, looking after them too - as we women tend to do???

Not every woman is like me though.  I would still love to meet a man with the same illness as me, and would be more than willing to go through it together, to get better again.

I agree, there surely MUST be a website for M.E sufferers looking for like-minded men, to get through the illness together?  It makes sense doesn't it, because we'd understand each other - more so than our family and friends?

I do have doubts, but I am getting cynical in my mid-life, I'm 55. Then my optimist me tells me that there MUST be somone out there for us?

I'd give it a try, as I'm sure you would too.  As they say: 'A problem shared, is a problem halved'.

Good luck to you Mary, I wish you all the love, luck, good health in the world.  I bet you, there's men out there thinking like us eh?

Val xx

7

Looking after us indeed... I'm ex army so used to looking after myself and that coupled with the fact that I have owned my own restaurant and hotel means that I'm a dab hand in the kitchen too... It might be a woman would get too dependent on me.. cheesygrin

To be honest I think a relationship could work though, at least we would really know what the other's condition is all about, it's just a matter of trying to mesh each other's good and bad days. Heck, we only get one life you have to make things as good as you can while you're at it and having had this ME/CFS for a long while now I know it's no good waiting till it gets better.... Life is what happens to you while you're making plans, as they say....

8

Hi Val

Thank you for your lovely reply! 😀 . Sorry to hear of the relationship that didn't work out.

You write as I feel! I'm 58 but like you I feel there must be someone out there for people with CFS.  I think loneliness sometimes compounds the symptoms. Feeling depressed through lack of social contact can't help can it and when your mood is low, it affects every aspect of your being. Because I get so bored on my own I sometimes push myself too much to relieve the boredom and then crash and pay for it. Catch 22. Sit around and be bored or do too much and pay for it after - boom and bust as its known in CFS/ME circles! Not working doesn't help either as there's no proper structure to the day.

Like you, I wouldn't want a man to become dependent on me, or me them. I don't want a carer and I don't want to be someone else's carer, as I don't have the energy but I just want to find just someone with similar interests with whom I can have a better quality of life then I have now! Someone with the same or similar restrictive condition who can offer mutual love, support and understanding, and fun! Whatever happened to fun! 😟. Perhaps CFS should be renamed CFD (chronic fun depriver!)

Shame we don't live a bit nearer, we could meet up. I live near Bexhill on Sea.

Mary xx

9

Hi again Mary,

Well, artistmike sounds just the sort of man we are looking for eh!! 

I think that he is SO right in that life is what you make of it, and I've been unlucky in love in the past. 

Mike sounds very much like my dad - who fought in the 2nd world war, and he was SO great at doing all manner of things, and looking after himself.  

Like everyone who has answered your question, I am all for online dating especially with someone who understands this nasty little illness.

Speaking for myself, I was born to look after people!!!!  But seriously, you've got a great idea there Mary.

There are SO many lovely men out there who certainly 'out-do' the selfish ones - just like women too, eh.

I am positive that there's acure out there for us, and it's 'just around the corner'.

As for sex, it isn't everything.  Respect, love and kindness come first in my book.

Lots of love to everyone out there, and I believe there's someone out there for all of us.

Artistmike sounds lovely, especially after what he has been through in combat.  Great sense of humour too - the main thing I think!!

Go for it Mary, start up an online dating thing, even if we just correspond by email, it's the first step eh.  I'm 100% for it.  Go girl.

10

hi mary. great idea. i loved reading all the positive responses - v. uplifting.

Caitlin.

11

Yes it would have to be a mutually supportive relationship. This condition is a life stealer but  I'm feeling a bit more optimistic that  this idea just might get off the ground! But where to start! 😳

12

I agree with you about the sex side of things Val. There's more to life than that. I totally agree with you about the respect, love and kindness. It's the intimacy that I miss, the cuddles and foot massages! 😀 and just sharing of mutual interests and good old conversation! 

I'm not sure what to do to get something going really! Guess it depends where everyone lives. Perhaps I should contact This Morning and see if they woukd be interested in taking up the cause for us, 😉 while at the same time highlighting ME/CFS to make people more aware of its effects on a persons life!  Xx

13

Hi again Mary, sorry I've only just read your reply.  yes, I agree with you in everything you've said.  You have a lovely sense of humour, and it would be so lovely to meet like-mided people with the same illness, so that we can have fun together.  Sometimes i wonder where my sense of humour has gone?  I need to be amongst people for my daft sense of humour to come out.  I tend to watch comedy programmes on TV, with my favourite being the re-runs of M*A*S*H - Hawkeye is my hero!!!

I don't know about you, but i love being around men - working with them, as they make me laugh all day long!!!

It is a shame we don't live close, as we would probably get on. Plus between us, we might be able to meet like- minded men eh?!!!

I'm like you, I do so much when I'm feeling relatively okay, then I crash and spend the next few days in bed - which would be great if it was with someone you loved eh!!!

Mind you, by the replies you've had, it seems there are more men who've replied - do you reckon??

take care, and best of luck to everyone out there, looking for that someone to share your lives with.  They certainly DO exist.

xx

14

WOW. 'This Morning' - a bril idea again. u sure know how to get things moving.

Caitlin

15

Yes it's all about belief!  ðŸ˜‰. A sense  of humour. Yes I had one once too! Comedy programmes are good to watch. Laughter is the best medicine after all! Laughing releases all the good hormones and makes you feel good 😀 xx

16

Hi Mary,

That's a great idea.  Wouldn't it be funny if all of us ended up on the show!!!  You'd have to do the talking as I'm a bit shy!!!

Yes, I miss cuddles and hugs, and of course, like you said, it's not just one-sided, to be loved, you need to love back too.

My mum always says that I 'wear my heart on my sleeve'!!!  That's me alright, and she calls me a 'cockeyed optimist'.

Plus like you say, mutual interests and conversation - even opposites attract too don't they. I don't know about you, but I talk a lot, even though I'm on my own - first sign of madness, LOL!!!!

I wonder if we could start up a 'dating site' on this forum????

Maybe you could start of a petition, and all of us sign it online, and send it off to 'This Morning'?????

I love a goal to aim at, and you've got my pea-brain working at last!!  ha, ha!!!

Lets try to do it between us?  You shouldn't have the burden of it all on your shoulders - though it would be so easy to let you do it!!  

No seriously, let's ask others out there if they'd help too?  You've had some good replies so far, perhaps you/we could take it from there?

It was your idea, and you must take the credit for it, even if we all 'muck in' and help???

Val x

17

Well I'm not sure sure I'd have the courage to do it. It would be very exposing appearing on national TV but I guess I could get the ball rolling with an email and see if they would be interested!   😀. Then I could nominate someone from here who is braver than me to go on the show! 😉 x

18

Thanks Val, that's so encouraging! I'm shy too which is why I think it would be a great idea if a few people went to the show if they were interested. We could all chip in with our ideas! I love that people are so enthusiastic for this idea. It sucks being lonely and isolated when we all have so much love and fun to give! Let's make it a united effort as many heads are better than one, even if they are all foggy heads! 😉 I might get an email off to This Morning over the weekend! X

19

Well I don't quite date back to the 2nd world war, you  make me sound like Corporal Jones out of Dad's Army.. lol ... Unfortunately there have been plenty of other combat zones since then though....

Well, at least everyone seems to think it's a good idea, all we need to do now is work out how to get together when half of us are too ill too travel and the other half are in bed having a bad day... Everything is so much harder with this blooming condition, still where there's a will there's a way they say. Is the ratio of women to men with this thing really work out at 10 to 1 ? .... I'm outnumbered... redface

 

20

Lol Artistmike! you made me laugh! We do have to see the funny side don't we! I have visions of us 'crocks' all trooping up to London to appear on TV and collapsing in a heap once we get into the studio! 😀