Why did I think this would be a magic cure!!!!
Yes I have stopped crying, yes the panic is less...... but I still have a problem with life!.......
I am struggling with reasons to be here!.... sad but true, why do I want to live?
In August 2010 I went on Citalopram. I was extremely depressed and self harming. After a long period of seeking no help I went to a therapist who talked me into going to the GP. Last Friday i took my last tablet and I am bascially functioning again with normal highs and lows and the ability to cope with these. It was not an easy road and it is not a magic cure. There were times I felt like I had fallen right back to the bottom and wanted to give up. Citalopram isn't a magic cure, it's a a way to bounce off the bottom. Give it a chance and then if it doesn't work go back to your GP and discuss your dosage. It can take a while to settle down and to be on the right meds. Basically I just wanted to let you know that there is light at the end of the tunnel even if right now it doesn't feel that way.
Thank you Boatie,
Its good to hear from peeps that come out the other side and find the light at the end of the tunnel.
I am getting better, all be it very slowly..... going through odd moments of no emotion or care and swinging back to far too much.
Big day tomorrow, back to work after 6 weeks off! its scary and feel quite stressed about it.
Oh well, tomorrow may never come, but the day after today will 
M
Did you manage OK? It's a while since I stopped C and it wasn't easy. Getting back to work is difficult and I'd like to be sure you did it OK.
Hi again,
No I didn't, well I did sort of.!!!!
Was due to do a trainning day on my first day back (new CAD system about to come in).
Anyway, was asked to pop in and see a manager for my return to work, sickness review before the training!!!!!!!!!!! Someone I've never met before (but I though that would be a good thing, be able to stay composed and in control!), I ended up crying just like I had at the Drs.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, managed the training, but then panicked when I saw the rotas, I was due to do the next night shift, as supervisor, with only less than 50% of staff, and a manager that is not totally competent or in control.......... yes proper panick attack! So had to tell them I wasn't ready to come back.
I think they have cottoned on now as to how ill I have been, I think they thought I could just step back in and carry on.
My Dr has been great, and is not uping my meds, and work are now referring me to occi health.
Its still scary tho, but I sure you understand that
All the best and hope your well M
Hello, and update........
Stressfull day today, meeting with couseller, then work!
It was my seconded meeting with the couseller, it went better than the first, a bit more positive.
As for work, well, managed not to cry, and ask for the requested phased return, all a bit embarrassing, but also good. Have been asked which other supervisor I get on with, and they are going to try and sort out a few shifts for me to shadow them. Also as my counseller advised, avoid night shifts...... As she says, living in the dark does not help the meds to work!!!
All said and done, came home with a raging headache, feel sick, but life goes on....
Moan over....
M x :oops:
New update!!!!
Well managed 8hrs in the room of doom (everyones nickname for the control room!)
After a night of little sleep, followed by serious anxiety and IBS when I got out of bed...... Went to work for my first shift on my phased 'Return to work'.
As expected, the other peeps (ie managers) had not been informed of my return!
But hey, just told them was on my RTW and was not there to work, just to catch up and familarize with new procedures and equipment...... and there have been so many changes whilst I've been off!
Hey and it went WELL, was in with a good bunch of peeps and the only pressure was coming from myself.
Still feel guilty about letting peeps down, but am learning to catch that thought and look after me first!, that way I can function and help others.
so following the dread of having to face a fear!, I now have relief...
Sad but true, and a small notch of confidence restored.
OK I've gloated enough now, but its just to pass on a positive...
All the best M x
Hi mushroom,
Good to hear that you had the strength to return to work. It takes a lot when you've been away for a bit , doesn't it, the worse bit is over now. I started to notice the good feelings increased as I got better and I coped with any bad feelings easier.
Well done mushroom I am so pleased for you, a real step in the right direction. I too have a supervisory role and I think that is a large pressure people looking to you for all the answers when I can’t even answer my own questions!
I find and I don’t know if it’s the same for you that other people’s perceptions of me is radically different to my own, they see someone strong and calm and knowledgeable- my red blotches on my face and chest give away the truth sometime thou!
Their confidence in me is all that keeps me motivated right now; this is why I know I must stay at work if I am going to get better. That small notch of confidence is great, enjoy it- you deserve it!
Jinx
Thank you, and thank you,
Yes it did take a lot to just walk back into the work place :shock:
And Jinx, yes other peoples perception of us is very different, as you say, they see a calm, strong, knowledgeable person (I've always been embarassed by people saying, hey you'll know this, and they ask me a question, quite often unrelated to work! then I shock myself because I do know the answer, or have the advice of where to find it!).
But for me I think that is some of the problem, I don't ask for help when I need it, or even don't recognise that I need it, I just get my head down and get on.... then crash........
It makes me feel good if I can help others......... so why don't I give others a chance to feel good by helping me?
As they say, there is no 'I' in 'team', and a team is always stronger than an individual.
Anyway, thanks again, it means a lot from people who undestand :wink:
M x
Yes well done!!
I've been off work coming up for 2 weeks I feel so guilty but no way am I in a fit state to go back I'm a nurse so won't be much use crying to patients during the day!! But like you mushroom people seem to think I have the answers to everything and I've been leant on quite heavily at work at times, I do enjoy my job....we've had a lot of restructuring and I'm having to move to a different department - which hasn't helped my anxiety at all and with the way I am probably will never return to my old job which is a bit sad really - but we have to think of number one, ourselves!! It can be a lonely old business this depression and anxiety but have found this site so helpful especially reading each others experiences and others that understand (one of my friends think that I'm heartbroken!) and I'm not going to be ashamed of whats happened to me either!! We'll get there in the end....x :lol:
Thank you Tereza,
It is a lonely place, this illness, and so hard to let others in.
As for your job! give yourself space, time to feel better, hey you never know, you might get back to your old job.
And yes, this site is very helpful, allows one to rant and ramble, but also read about and recognise other peeps going through similar experiences
Hey, be nice to yourself and take care :wink:
M x