Constant physical head anxiety for 6 months, I want to kill myself I cant take anymore of this.

Mental health
1

I'll try to make this short, since there is alot.

Im 18 years old male, living and home with parents, dont have a job nor am i going to university.

Ive tried lots of things, herbal medicines, acupuncture, spiritual doctors and thingys, atm im trying meditation.

Alot of it may just be little bits of information and not make sense since i dont want to put you off, i want people to read and try to help me. (swearing ahead, just cause i felt it was right)

From the beginning,

I mostly know where my depression came from, parts of my childhood were abusive, my dad hasnt really ever seen anything in me and use to really hurt me when i was young all the way through college (high-school). And then 3 out of 5 years of college i was severely bullied every day because i was a easy target and very late to puberty (which f****d up my self esteem and how i saw myself). Then i tried drugs with some friends, multiple times, and all the times were absolutely terrifying, absolutely traumatised me. Months after i had my first depressive and anxiety episode, which landed me in hospital because i was trying to kill myself and i had no idea what was happening to me. The next month was living hell, panic and anxiety and weird s**t ive never felt before, but after that i was on anti depressants and for a year it was pretty stable except for the monthly few days anxiety spike. 

Now skipping ahead to now, i tried to come off anti depressants for the first time and did it slowly with help of a doctor, and i thought it would be all alright but a week later i got withdrawls, and they got worse and worse. I got feelings of emptiness in my head and body, feelings insanely depressed, brain zaps that felt like i was dying, depersonalisation and derealization, intense head tension that goes on the entire day. It was a s**t time, I tried to wait it out to see if the withdrawls would go away but 2 months later no change, i am miserable and want to die. Oh also be mindfull these feelings i had were 24/7 from the moment i waked up to the moment i went to sleep, i even feel it in my dreams. So i tried to go onto anti depressants again and it didnt work so i went back onto my old anti depressants. I then tried many drugs; (dont know how to spell these) Queatpine, propanolol, more i don't remember and now mirtazapine, which ive been on for a while now. Since then ive had this anxiety feeling in my head 24/7 for the past 2 months (again) which is better than the withdrawls but still horrible, its ruined my life, i cant get out because i get panic attacks, which ive actually gotten used to since ive probably had thousands of those but this head feeling is the worst. The feeling is like a tension headache or headcold, but it's definitely different because i can feel the fear that comes with it, im terrified 24/7 and i dont know if there is anything i can do anymore.

Im on holiday now with my family in europe and the first few days here i had a panic attack for 3 days straight which was horrible because the flight was so long and i had no where to go. Ive been here for 2 and a half weeks and still have 3 weeks left. Things i find alleviate my anxiety are drawing, or going out here in europe to places with the family and getting distracted from my anxiety which takes away that head feeling for that time being. Im also addicted to using the internet because recently ive used it as a a way to distract myself and escape from my anxiety, but i know this is a double edged sword, because being addicted to electronics is a terrible thing, i feel i get withdrawls from not being on it now and as im writing this im at a house far out with no internet, and im terrified. I count the days i have left till we go back im not even really enjoying this holiday which i wish i could be.

Okay finishing up sorry it was so long smile

Ive had suicide attempts before, and now ive been suicidal alot but im scared because there is so much i want to do, though everything i liked, i cant do anymore because of this head feeling.

One more thing since then ive always felt wobbly and my vision distorts alot and everytime im sitting down i feel like im on a boat. This totally sucks and im losing hope, not making it better that im on holiday too haha. So in total its been 5 months of this hell and im not getting better, i know im saying the same thing alot but im just so sick of this, please give me your opinions.

Thanks

2

Hi Jonte

We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologise for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

Kindest regards

Patient

3

What s up Jonte. You need to keep pushing towards what you want to do and be. We all have holidays that we ruin or don't enjoy. I've had a similar thing recently constant head feeling constant hypervigilance and intrusive thoughts so I'm stressed 24/7. At the end of the day it's all rest that is needed and it could be long term. Take care of yourself.

Al

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Jonte, My panic/anxiety started when I was 17 living in Europe, Spain to be exact. I am a military brat. I smoked something and it was the turning point into panic/anxiety/agoraphobia, etc. I understand the experiences although everyone is different and our experiences are different. I don't know the extent to which you say you were abused. My father drank when we lived in Germany and I was a kid. I was probably anxiety-ridden then as well, but the full-blown neurosis did not manifest itself until I was 17. I am much older and have survived anxiety/panic, etc. I went to Mexico once by myself, was very lonely, got on a bus from Monterrey to Guadalupe to stay with a family, but I didn't make it. I panicked, took a taxi back to a Red Cross clinic and talked to a young doctor who let me stay the night in the clinic. I flew the rest of the way and the panic subsided for the rest of the time in Mexico. However, I have realized there are triggers, internal and external to these attacks, as well as chemical components. I do not know your history, but we have to battle our fears, educate ourselves, perhaps see a good counselor and come to an understanding about the anxiety/depression syndrome. I kept fighting. I still have anxiety, but I understand it better and what triggers it. You mentioned drugs, I would not subject myself to these, you don't know what these chemicals will do. You are important, I believe we are created, but it is a broken world and we are living in a broken world, everyone is dysfunctional to an extent. The important thing is to realize our strengths and build on these. You have them and have to discover them. keep searching and educating yourself. Perhaps find a job or go to school and find out what you are interested in. It can be a cold world, but a good world. Best wishes, God Bless. 

5

Thank you for thinking about me, yes i have been having suicidal thoughts and my psychologist is aware of this. The stuff about suicide was in the past a long time ago, but ive been suicidal again recently so im trying to work past it

6

Thank you so much, i feel like i experience stress 24/7 as, the feelings i get cause me stress then the stress cause these feelings, its a vicious cycle.

Thanks for reading my post

7

Thank you so much, that was so beautifully said, i totally understand how you feel and i feel a bit better to talk to someone real rather than scrolling through forums after forums Thanks for taking the time to post a reply, i do have a psychologist at the moment and i may actually ask if we can try cbt because ive heard thats really good for people. Im also going to try to get a job when i get home ! Thanks

8

You are a young guy, I had my first experience with panic and dp at the age of 15 or 16 after experiences with drugs. You'll pull through, I also can't do what I enjoy at the moment aside from play a video game to distract me from what's going on inside, and for a moment their in life I was doing quite well. The culprit this time were psychiatric medications that were meant to help me. Dp and f***ed me up instead. It doesn't matter. It's all a feeling, it'll all pass. Next time you feel like you want to end it Jonte don't. I promise you you'll be in a different time and place in not too long

9

Thanks for your reply Jonte. You should really try and enjoy Europe while you are there. I teach history in high school and most likely living in Europe for nine years had a lot of influence on me; grade school, high school and two years of college. Growing up for each generation is a collective experience for that generation, but each young person has to experience  it for themself. The first rule is that life isn't necessarily fair, but each person has the capacity to deal with their own situation. Sometimes we need a little help from our friends, prescribed that is, not wanting to take the Beatles out of context.  There were times that I didn't think I could take it, but I managed to get through, I was stronger than I thought. As well, as I said, I don't think we are here by accident. A psychologist, a cognitive therapist, said something to me once that I never forgot: "Before you admit yourself (basically resign to give up or enter a hospital, etc.) admit to yourself." What he meant was to admit to myself that my thinking (negative, compulsive) thoughts were affecting the way I was feeling. That is the basis of cognitive therapy. When I feel overwhelmed, I remember that I have to admit to myself that I can handle the situation by working through my thoughts about, which can be telling about how we feel, but also very deceptive. This does not mean that the anxiety may completely disappear, but I know that I have to understand what I am thinking about myself, my situation, etc. It is not always easy and sometimes medication helps. We are also prone to always want to be different, have a different family, be someone else, but this can be deceptive as well. I remember a girl in the American school in Madrid who was very popular, but very nice, and seemed to have it all together. She wrote the nicest comment in my yearbook. When I returned to the states, I ran into her younger brother. It seemed that their family returned to a military base nearby. When I asked about his sister, he said that she was in Texas and under the care of a psychiatrist. I was shocked, she seemed to have it all together. That was years ago. We are only as dysfunctional as we allow ourselves to think we are. It is normal to be anxious and fearful. Everyone has their own problems and it is good to share them, take care, educate yourself and keep the faith.   

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Yeah, the times when you are feeling good are times when you dont notice how your feeling, thats because everything is going well, but the only time you notice how you are feeling are the times you arent feeling good, which sucks. Long periods of anxiety like these make you think you'll never feel good again, i know i have to keep pushing through but sometimes i just get so exhausted of being like this Thanks for being really nice and helping out

11

Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me, i always think about things when im on the bus like; im probably the only one going through things like this on this bus, im all alone and no one else is going through what im going through. I know this is negative thinking and i understand how there are so many people around me that also have problems but dont show it. I frequently look at people happy and get jealous that they are having a good time, but i also know they will most likely have their ups and downs in their as well so im not alone.

Sorry if none of that made sense im not very good at writing Thanks

12

Jonte, Just checking in and wondering how you are doing in Europe. What you are writing about makes perfect sense, don't short-change yourself. I read your post about riding on the bus and wondering if others feel the same and why others appear to be having fun. You are a long way from home, and I do understand how you feel. You are fortunate that you have the technology to communicate like this, something unthinkable when I was your age. We had to write letters and call on a landline phone. However, as you are a witness, technology doesn't necessarily make life better, just easier to gather and communicate information. You are not alone in your feelings when thinking that others are having more fun and are happy. I have been there many times, even to this day at times.  Perhaps you can keep a diary, but include positive things as well as recording your feelings. You may feel bad, but look around you and note what you are experiencing and seeing. You are a long way from home, but from what you have written, you appear to feel the same at home, in the states. I don't know who you are traveling with, but try talking to some people, it is risky but many people are friendly. Carpe diem, capture the moment.