Hi I’m going to try and keep this as short as possible so here goes...I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months and up until him moving into his own place in November 17 things were great between us. Since he moved into his own place I have noticed him drinking more and more and his mood becoming drastically more depressed. He has always had childcare issues with his ex which I know about and his daughter lives with him and his toddler son spends half the week at his place. He’s gone though some massive life changes in the past 12 months and tbh I’m surprised he hasn’t fallen into massive depression sooner. I’ve tried to support him I’ve been the only person there for him when all his friends and family weren’t and managed to coax him to start seeing a councillor. He’s aware that alcohol is a massive issue but understandably uses it as a crutch daily. I feel as though I’ve been there every single time he’s needed me but he keeps shutting me out for weeks on end. Then once he’s come through the bad spells he picks up the phone and carries on like nothings happened. He won’t talk about it and rarely apologised to me for the nasty things he said etc. The hardest part is that it’s always me he shuts out he acts normally to everyone else I understand he may be doing that to keep up appearances but he’s always sorting other people’s problems out but never wants to know mine if that makes sense? I know he was badly hurt by his ex and has some traumatic experiences in his life that have no doubt shaped him into the man he is today, I’m so proud he’s accepted councilling and I try to be supportive and listen to him but I can’t help feeling like I’m last on his list and everyone else comes before me even though I do the most for him. I do love him and try to be there for him but it’s just so hard at times.
Sorry if I’ve waffled on I’ve tried to keep it as short as possible there’s so much more to say but I doubt if I’d have enough room to post it all!
Hi Grace, well to start with , let me just say , It’s not you! Said it. Let it sink in. I don’t know what your age is, or if this is your forever man, but sounds like he needs space and time to get it together. And yes you will always be last on the list. Especially when it comes to his children . And that’s what it’s suppose to be. You didn’t say how long he was married or if he was an alcoholic . But first off you can’t fix him. You can fix you but not him. Do a role reversal , would he stay with you if you had all these issues? It sounds like a tough situation , but your not married to him . Yes I get that, but you have your whole life, let me say that again your whole life. Do you want to spend it with someone who’s not there for you? That’s the question you have to ask yourself. Happiness is hard to find, I spent my whole life with an alcoholic , and we have a son together. Now it took 40 years and a toll on his health before he stopped drinking, and a great amount of love and patients , for me to not walk out that door, but we are married , you are not. I just want you to look down that road, 10, 20, years from now, will things get better, or worse? And my girlfriend had the same issues with her boyfriend. She put in 14 years. And finally walked. Now they are still good friends, but what did she miss? We’ll never know. How much life and happiness are you missing? And don’t you want to be in a relationship that makes you happy? Happiness adds years to your life, sadness takes it away. Best of luck to you, and may you find your happiness, it’s up to you to change it.
I’m really sorry that this is happening to you. It seems as though he is experiencing mood swings. Have you noticed a difference since he sought counseling? Is he on meds? He may need them along with counseling? It looks like he has a
Lot of responsibilities. He seems to be using alcohol as an escape or relaxant. He may be taking it out on you because your there and he is comfortable doing this with you.
Has he seen a dr? If he goes to the dr he needs to tell them that he is drinking.
Does his parents help him with the kids?
Kids are a very big responsibility. And you can’t lose your patience with them. Please come back here anytime you need to to vent or talk or just let it out. This is a safe place for you to come to.
Grace, I'm going to echo what Yuki50 has said. He isn't being fair to you. He pushes you away, then expects you to put up with all his sh*t. He is obviously in a bad place right now and he is needing to do a lot of self-healing. If he continually shuts you out, then you are not being included as part of that healing process. I think the only thing you can do that will save your sanity and your heart is to back off. You don't have to give him an ultimatum, as I don't think that will work. Just be honest with him. Tell him you can't continue being treated like this, that you want to help him and be there for him but that he hasn't been letting you do that. Then cut contact. He needs time to heal and who knows how long that will take. If it's meant to be he will come back to you. I think some tough loving is called for here. He needs to process his feelings and to do that he needs to take ownership of them, not drown them in drink and self pity. Perhaps you being firm and final with him will be a wake up call. But whatever, you need to let him know that his behaviour towards you will no longer be tolerated. Be firm, or the misery will continue.
He's aware that alcohol is a massive issue but " understandably" uses it as a crutch daily. What's understandable about that?
Next he shuts you out for weeks on end puts out his happy face to everyone else and dials you up acts like nothing happened won't talk to you about what happened rarely apologizes for nasty things he says. Why are you his whipping post? Just wondering?
Thank you for replying. I’m 35 he’s 32. And I 100% understand that his children will always come first it’s how it should be-My issue is that his friends (who are rarely there when he needs them) and even the couple that live beneath him in the block of flats who he’s known all of about 6 weeks all come above me on his list of priorities. He was with his ex partner for 12 years and he tells me he didn’t have a problem with alcohol then-he worked a lot and he tells me it was his ex who abused alcohol and basically neglected the kids towards the end of their relationship. They split up due to this also he told me she was unfaithful. In total honesty I don’t know if the roles were reversed he would stay with me as I tried to talk to him a couple of months ago about my dad having an affair behind my mums back and although he listened to me he later said it brought back too many bad memories in his own mind about his previous relationship and made me feel so guilty for getting upset about it and confiding in him. There’s also a lot of other things he’s done in the time i have known him involving me and my property which I have forgiven him for without a second thought-I know everyone will think I’m even more of a pushover for that! I myself have been through a six year abusive relationship (ended in 2014) which resulted in me loosing a home I bought,£40000 cash and emotional abuse scars, I had to move back in with my parents and thought I might one day meet a man who actually treats me with respect and love. I feel terribly guilty asking for advice and talking about my boyfriend but I’m literally heartbroken and so confused.
Many thanks for replying, he isn’t on anti depressants I’m going to ask him (if he ever speaks to me of course!) to request a course from his gp asap. His councilling is extremely painful for him as I thought it would be but he’s persevering which is good. His Gp is aware of his drinking as is his councillor-he’s aware he needs to cut down as a starting point. He relys on alcohol to try and relax him and to try and sleep as he really struggles to sleep barely getting a couple of hours per night. His parents are aware of some things and are supportive. His kids are really lovely but unfortunately also too aware that their dads not coping. I just wish he would actually really talk to me and let me in. Not shut me out and give me the silent treatment.
Hi again Grace. I feel so sad that you even feel guilty about talking to us about his many issues. Have you heard of Alanon? A wonderful program for friends and family members of alcoholics? I had an alcoholic father and I loved him to pieces I also hated him which was terribly confusing for me as a child. I got counseling and joined Alanon in my late 30's. Saved my sanity. Met some great people. May not be your bag but today I have forgiven my dad understand he had a disease and love love him. You are a fine young women who deserves the very best. I want that for you. Grace will you want that for you too. Diane
Thank you for replying. I think I allow him to treat me like s*it as I excuse his behaviour due to his depression as he was the polar opposite of how he is now before he moved into his own place. As I suffer from depression and anxiety myself I try to give him more leeway due to trying to be a supportive understanding partner, but maybe all I’m doing is enabling his out of control ways?
You say if it’s meant to be he’ll come back to me, but how long should I give him? It just feels as though he’s leaving me hanging,blaming me for loving him and pushing me away all the time lately. I just miss the man I know is in there and giving up and letting depression rob me of him feels wrong. Although being firm may get him to realise I’m worth fighting for but it may not.
Many thanks for your reply (and thank you for the lovely compliment on my name!)
I think I say it’s understandable why he uses alcohol as a crutch as he’s going through a lot of pain and I can understand (not necessarily agree) why he sees alcohol as his friend. I guess I’m his whipping post as I tell myself he’s ill and struggling with life and I cannot just desert him when he needs me the most if that makes sense? I keep making the mistake of believing him when he tells me he’s sorry about his behaviour,he really cares about me and will try and get better. I should tell myself even if he does truly believe those things the fact is that in reality he is unable to see thru on those things he tells me even though I have a tiny bit of hope that he will and depression won’t drag him further and further away .
Hey Grace which one of his behaviors tells you that he cares for you? Grace I'm not trying to be mean or to hurt you I think he's beating you down enough it just hurts my heart to see you allow this grown man to hurt you over and over again in the name of anxiety and depression. I suffer from those too but I have to hold myself accountable for my actions. I love the people in my life they aren't responsible because I have issues. I am! Diane
Hi Diane, I’m really not sure which of his behaviours shows me he cares for me maybe I’m kidding myself that he does care? He apologised at Christmas said he knows he doesn’t show it but he does care a lot about me and he’s sorry he’s like he is. I think I just find it heartbreaking to think that all the lovely caring things he used to do/say before his depression got bad might of all been a lie. I think I find his behaviour so upsetting as I suffer from depression and anxiety I am on meds and have counselling yet I still manage to be there for him and try to help in any way I can yet I just don’t seem to be good enough for him anymore. It just feels like he hates me and I don’t understand what I’ve done so wrong,
Sorry Diane just seen your other message, I may give Alanon a try, I myself lived with an alcoholic Mum who I love dearly she’s not drunk for 19 years now and I cared for my younger brother during our childhood and maybe that’s why I haven’t walked out on my boyfriend when a lot of other people have? If I had not experienced the good side of him things may be easier in a sense that I could tell myself he’s not worth it but as for the majority of our relationship I’ve known the good side I keep hoping that he’ll come back out with therapy and support.
Grace the reason that you wreck your brain and can't figure out what you have done wrong is because you haven't done anything wrong. It's him he's hurting you. He is a street angel and a house b*****d! He's sweet to others and craps on you!!
It sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place.
It is so difficult to know what to do. If he will get better?
I've been in a similar situation with coping with being with my boyfriend with OCD, anxiety, being an alcoholic etc. He apologises and says it's going to get better but things are up and down all the time and it's been 3 years.
It's been very tough.
I feel like I've wasted a lot of time feeling upset about it all.
I still can't say for sure if he is going to get back to his old self.
I guess it depends if you can see an end to things. It's so hard as you love them but it does drag you down.
Shutting you out is probably his way of not wanting to deal with things. Not that that's an excuse.
Grace & Beck All I can say is if your both unhappy it’s time for a change. If the roles where reversed would they be there for you. Men can be very selfish. It’s not you’s it’s them. And your both strong women putting up with s**t you don’t have to take from a boyfriend!!!! I’m And old soul hear who’s been married for 40 yrs. I’ve been with an alcoholic , OCD, with Etchberger‘s disease ! It’s not been a picnic. He drink. Case a beer a night for 40 years! It finally took his hips. Only now since his total hip replacements does he not drink. He’s paying the price for that now. And I’ve told him many times I’m better for him then he ever was for me! Now we’ve started a new life together, but I don’t want to see either of you go though what I’ve been through. And only because it’s 40 years you can’t get back. There are great focus groups for this, but you have to find your happiness. Forget changing them. Change you even if it means separation , life is too short. Find that happiness even if it means being alone. Good luck to both of you. I’m praying for your happiness.
Adldiane, you nailed it. They are being sucked in, and smothered , with that bull crap, they need to find happiness, and it’s not with who they are with right now. A boyfriend doesn’t make you cry, or feel worthless. If your not happy time for a big change!
Grace you are so young and full of life. A couple of bad relationships should not be looked on as failure on your part. It’s not you! Are you happy? If not it’s time for a change! You think your going be alone the rest of your life? No your not! But you got to be comfortable , with you. Find that inter peace. I took me years to find it, and when I did, and with my hubby’s health failure ‘s I found it. I’m now more confident , and love myself. And I proved that I don’t need him. And he saw that, and now worships me . I’m a great catch , and he knows it. I put up with so much s**t, that if I walked , I know I’d be ok. Work on your happiness, again your not going to fix him! Stop work on you.