Could I be depressed?

[nh_user_961517]

I'm going to sound very naive/ignorant here, but I'm not sure how I feel right now. I'm not entirely sure if I'm depressed or I'm just emotional. I can't really talk about I feel to anyone, either, because I'm much too scared.

In March 2015, my father an accident that I had watched. I didn't become *too* sad. He turned out okay in the end, so I wasn't majorly upset at all. People were surprised at how happy I was. I surprised, too. I started thinking about mortality and how easyily we could die and how quickly I could lose someone I love. 

I started withdrawing from my friends at school. I was no longer having fun. I went online for some sort of relief. I started to hate my piano lessons and I was doing badly in my classes. School was finally over, but I still felt empty. My parents tried signing me up for camps, but those made me very anxious and upset. I wasted my entire summer.

The new school year starts, and I feel much better. I'm laughing with my friends again. It's going great. I'm going to parties, sleepovers, and just being happy again. Fast forward to November, drama happens, and I start to feel down. Then my cat dies in December, and I've never felt so hopeless.

In January, things stay the same. In February, I end up having a birthday party and some things go wrong and I end up hating that. My grandfather is diagonosed with cancer states away and my mom flies up to be with him. He died the day after my birthday.

In March, I'm sitting in my bedroom one night. My parents had just yelled at me and I'm thinking about it. I've never been good with confrontation, but this time something has hit a chord and I start crying, really bad, worse than I have before. I'm not sure how long it lasted, but I got a migraine and ended up being sick the day after and missing school.

Life goes on to be dull. I'm more anxious now, but I'm still talking to my friends. School's going great, and I manage a 4.0 GPA by the end of the year. Summer beings.

Now, enough of the story, and here goes my feeble attempt at trying to explain how I feel.

I've not really had migraines before, except that one time after I cried, but I've had the a few times this recent month that's left me sick in bed for a whole day. I constantly feel nauseous and I don't want to go outside or anywhere with anyone. I don't really want to talk to anyone, either. I've become restless. I used to just sit in my room, pet my dog, and be satisfied. Now I feel myself wondering around the house. Looking for food, even though I have no appetite anymore. I'll play the piano, too, but when I mess up I'll get frustrated and cry. I'm too afraid to go outside, I get bit by bugs and they itch. Also, I saw a giant snake the other day. Not getting bit, thank you. I'll go outside and pet my dog. Sometimes I'll get in the pool. I draw more, now, and I've gotten better. But I used to love to write and read. I still read, I have a harder time focusing, though, unless I'm listening to music. Which is weird change. I used to not focus if I had music. I can't even bring myself to write. I just read over what I wrote, probably a paragraph, and get too discouraged and just trash it. I feel like crying all the time. And I will cry, or get teared up. I'll sneeze. Bam. Tears. I'll look at a picture of a puppy. Bam. Tears. My parents have always been blunt but lately I've started to notice more. They'll say little things like "your hairs a mess" or "you're wearing that?" just little things that will put me off. I used to go to sleep really late and wake up really early. Now, I go to sleep as early as 9 or 10 pm and wake up at 10 or 11. It's really unusual for me. I'm also always finding myself easily forgetting things or bumping or tripping on things. Having a loose concentration. I don't know if any of these 'symptoms' have anything to do with depression, but they're all weird little changes I've noticed about myself this past year.

I ended up having another of those 'attacks'. I honestly don't know if it's an anxiety attack or what because I've not been diagnosed with anything. 

I've written this all off as just me being hormonal or something, but I read something someone wrote about their depression and I kind of related too it, and it scared me a little. I'm not depressed, am I?

Also, sorry for the long paragraph. I'm used to writing essays and including much detail as possible...it's instict lol. Thanks in advance to anyone who reads and replies! 

[nh_user_207757]

Well it's simple really. Depression is low mood which is long term and impacts on your daily activities. That's really what it boils down to. So if you find that every day you have continual low moods and are unable to feel positive feelings day after day, then yes that's likelyto be depression. Otherwise you may be unhappy- which is not the same thing. Only you can know how you really feel

[nh_user_947608]

Hi.i can empathise with u.the feeling of emptiness is a good place to be for

Myself becaise that puts me in what i cal robot mods when i just plod along with life neither foing up or down.it certainly sounds like depression to me i habe suffered for years.theres nothing to be ashamed about either most of us will suffer it at some point. mental health is affected by life events such as death, losing a job failing an exam.you shiuld speak to ur doctor, they can tefer u to counselling, though i nevere found it helpful to talk directky to a counsellor i wrote it all down n took it in with me.good luck.p.s u must remember ur worth xx

[nh_user_910044]

Hi Aurora - sorry to read of yoyr situation. Sounds like depression. You need to find a counsellor/psychologist to talk out your issues. After you have become comfortable with them, you will be able to share more and will feel better for it. They will give you pointers on how to deal with the issues and may refer you for medications which will help even out your mood while you bget to the core of the issues. Depression affects our ability to think clearly and things can appear to be mountains we have to climb - even the simple things like going outside, doing something you love like the piano or writing - all of it can seem pointless. Comments that are critical cut deeply because our defences are down and they seem to re-affirm the low self image we have that is due to the depression.

Don't be frightened to confront whatever it is. The first step is to start talking, like you have here. The second is to get face time with a professional who will be there to support you. You are young with the world in front of you. The most important thing you can do for yourself is to deal with this dilemma - you will feel botn relieved and empowered. Hiding away with it or burying it within yourself will only cause it to fester, and it may materialise in negative and unexpected ways. Be kind to yourself, you are not worthless. You are hurting and there is a cure. Best of luck to you. xo.