Even if nobody reads this it makes ME feel that I'm not alone in this weird transition from dreading every day to enjoying all that I have embraced before. Having forced away the temptation to stay in bed and then slop around have showered and dressed smartly to go shopping at Tesco's - MAJOR EXPEDITON!!! I think I looked normal! Despite several adverse side effects I remain positive that this is going to get me back to ME.
Keep strong. Molly xxx
Molly, you are not alone and i know exactley what you mean, i too am on the road back to ME land, its not an easy one but it does make such a difference knowing that you are not the only one. This site helps me soo much. I hope that your trip to Tesco was a success. I wish you well on your road to getting better. Julie xx
Thanks for your response Julie and I wish you all success in recovering YOU. Today is going to be challenging/interesting as am returning to work where colleagues witnessed me slowly falling apart so I expect them to be a bit wary of my performance as am fully aware that there must have been gossip surrounding this, which is only human nature after all. Not sure I,m ready for this but HEY HO!!! Molly x
hi molly, how long have you been taking the cit? and how long have you been off work? your situation sounds so similar to mine as i also fell apart at work and i am also on the sick, i admire you for being strong enough to return, i am not that strong yet.
Yes, people will gosip but that is just human nature. I have been totally surprised by the positive response i have recieved from work, from both my management and my collegues.
I have been on the cit for 3 weeks now and i am also recieving counselling, at the moment the counselling is so much more helpful than the pills, but i live in hope that eventually the pills will start to work and the side effects will fade.
I wish you well on your return to work but rememeber one step at a time.
Good luck. Julie xx
Hi Julie, hope you're continuing to feel stronger and more positive. I have been back at work for 2 days now and can honestly say that, although I'm not 100%yet, it was good to get back to some sort of structure and familiarity. This is day 8 of taking 20mgs of Cit (which I split in half and take am and pm as the side effects were too much in one hit) and can now mostly rise above most of what got to me before without the awful feeling of sorrow and dread that invaded me before. Colleagues have been very welcoming and (I truly believe) pleased to see me return as I have always been known for my whacky sense of humour and ability to inspire/support others. It is now time to look at the reasons as to how I got so low and to prevent this happening again and can already identify other areas of my life that need reinventing. So Julie have made myself some pre-New Year resolutions to ensure I remain UP and enjoy life to the full. I wish you well in your recovery and truly hope that you get back to YOU soon and, once there, embrace life again as it is what WE make it. Molly X
Hiya molly, you sound so positive, that is great and i'm glad to hear that your return to work was not as negative as you thought it might be. I am so pleased for you, it must help in your recovery. I think that sometimes we are too hard on ourslves and we are inclined to think that other people expect a lot of us and in reality they don't. I hope that you continue to make progress. Have you considdered counselling to get to the source of your problems? i find it invaluable.
I am on week 3 of 10mgs a day of cit, and i think this week i have started to feel just a little bit more relaxed, its not much but it is a start and in the right direction. I am not strong enough yet to think about returning to work, hopefully it is something i will start to think about after christmas. I am not looking forward to christmas because the cause of my depression is due to bereavement and christmas can just emphasize the fact that loved ones are missing. So i am trying to focus on the 2nd Jan, this is hopefully the start of my new year and my return to 'me', ha ha.
Please keep in touch and let me know how you get on, Julie xx
Hi again Julie, a pleasure to have further contact with you. I fully relate to your feelings at this vulnerable time of year although my downward spiral was not linked to bereavment. Like you Xmas and New year cannot come and go quickly enough and I don't know many people at all who actually do enjoy it!! Counselling was offered me but the thought of discussing my personal life and bearing my sole to a complete stranger was not an option that I felt would be beneficial in my case. However, I do not knock it and realise that this is great therapy for many. I may go off the radar over the weekend as have 2 x 12hr shifts as a Duty Manager which, at present, is quite a daunting prospect but just may prove to be the best thing possible as when home along I still cannot get motivated into anything positive except sleeping, watching films, using the internet and thinking too much!! Keep strong Julie, Molly X
Hi molly, I do hope that two 12 hour shifts doesn't prove too much for you but on a positive note it might be enough to help you sleep when you do reutrn home.
I went out last night for a drink and a meal, this is the first time i have been out socially for a long time and although i was extremly anxious at the thought of it, i really had a good night. I actually interacted with people i had not met before and i am so glad that i pushed myself to go, it would have been too easy to stay home and not go!!
I would usually be the life and soul of any gathering, either with friends or strangers, but this illness makes me question everything that i say and do.
I have been called into work on Tuesday for an interview, and although i know that this is just standard procedure where i work it is filling me with dread, i'm not really sure why. But i will go and hopefully it will not be as bad as the thought of it.
Let me know how your weekend goes.
Julie xx
Hi again Julie, so pleased to learn that you enjoyed night out and that you took the positive decision to go, as the easy option (when as we are) is to hide away at home. Try not to worry too much about interview as it is just procedure and, even more, do not be embarrassd about the nature of your illness. Be proud of your own strength in your active attempts to recover YOU.
My weekend at work was fine and has helped restore some confidence, am feeling quite smug at the moment and energised!! Colleagues had been told that my absence was due to flu but I have been quite upfront and have told them it was actually \"The Blues\" which several people had empathy with. Be strong Julie and let me know how interview goes.
Molly x
thanks for your support molly x
I am so pleased to hear that you came away from the weekend feeling even more positive, you do sound to be doing ever so well, well done x
My interview at work didn't go so well, as i had worked myself up into a bit of a state and as soon he asked how i was i went to peices but at least he got to see first hand that i really am not well. Once i had calmed down slightly we managed to talk about positive steps i can and am taking to try and get better. I don't think he was expecting me to be so bad.
Anyway, he asked me to come back and see him in January because i explained that christmas is making me very anxious and i am focusing on after the holidays, so hopefully next time i see him it will be to discuss my return to work. Julie xx
Hi Julie, you did well in actually attending this interview so do not put yourself down at all. As xmas is so emotionally charged it's no wonder that your're extra sensitive and missing those who are no longer here to share it with you. Just focus on this time next week when it will all be over. I am eternally grateful to Cit. as now, 2 weeks in, I feel better than I have for months which is very noticeable to family, friends and colleagues who keep asking me what I'm on or have I a new man in my life!!! The reality is that depression gradually gnawed at me for months and, until I began acting out of character and being a short tempered bitch with hissy fits and then crying I would not accept that I was ill despite many people kindly advising me to see g.p. In your case you've lost a loved one who cannot be replaced by Cit. so you have to go through the grieving process at your own pace. You ARE doing well Julie in seeking all the help on offer and taking your recovery step by step. Molly x
Molly i cannot tell you what an inspiration and support you are for me, you are only two weeks into the cit and already you sound so much more positive than your first post. Well done xx
I hope you can get through the holidays without it affecting you too much.
Mr GP assures me that by the time i go back to see him in 2 weeks i will be feeling very much more positive, this is a combination of the cit working at full strength and the fact that the holidays will be over.
I would like to tell you a little bit about myself if thats ok? Well, i'll write it anyway and hope that you read it, i don't want to sound all maudling but i think that being honest helps me to progress forwards.
The bareavement that i have suffered was my mum in law and dad in law, we live over the road from them and my mum in law was disabled and they were both in there seventies. I did many things for them, cooking meals, cleaning, getting them ready for bed ect, ect. They were the most amazing couple and i loved them both very much. My parents were s***t at bringing me and my brothers up, but my in laws showed me what parents should be like and they also showed me unconditional love. My dad in law passed away in june and then my mum in law in september, both suddenly and the loss i feel is emence, the worse thing is the time that i now have, i spent so much time over the road with them that i just don't know what to do now.
At the begining of Dec my son left home (i am a bit of an over protective mother!), so although i am very pleased for him and i am also very proud of him, i just worry uncontrolably and its also made the hole in my life wider.
And if all that wasn't enough, i am also at the end of the menapause, it started when i was 36 and although i have sailed though most of it, the last 12 months are proving to be a strain (i am 41 now), both physically and emotionally.
Oh gosh, i hope that i haven't bored you to sleep!!
On a plus side i do have the most wonderful husband who has supported me through this depression even though he is coping with his own grief for his lovely parents.
I am sure that the new year will bring me closer to my old self and i look forward to going back to work and enjoying life to the full.
Chatting with you feels to really help me but i do not want this to be a one way thing so please feel free to talk to me about things in your life. I look forward to your next post.
Julie xx
Ho ho ho Julie, thank you for your latest post and feeling able to confide more, I take that as a compliment but want you to know that you have helped and encouraged me greatly too as, inbetween the lines, I have felt a genuine connection. The loss of your loving in-laws who were like parents to you must leave a huge hole in your life but how wonderful that you were loved and appreciated by them so much. Cherish your memories and know how much you were valued and appreciated. I am mid fifties and divorced (for many years) and have three sons, the eldest being 40yrs old, and five grandsons. I remember when my youngest son, who was the last to leave home, went to live and work in Amsterdam. I drove him and his partner to the airport but declined to to go into departures with them as I knew my heart was breaking and did not want him to see me cry. I never know how I drove home as the tears would not stop flowing. To my family I am a strong and independent woman who never weakens but this is far from the truth, hence I tried to cover up the depression as I felt they would see me as a lesser being so I tried to keep up a positive front. I still have only confided in one son and his fiance who have urged me to be more honest with everyone but Julie it's not easy as I have so much pride (false as it may be). I wish you and your husband a good xmas and maybe spend time reflecting on the wonderful people who took you in their arms and enjoying each other. Wishing you well, Molly X and Thankyou.
good morning molly, i hope that you had a nice day yesterday. Again, i must thank you for your words of support, they really do help although today i have woken up very anxious, i think its because we have family coming around later today.
I wouldn't say that yesterday was easy but i got through it with a smile and with-out a tear, so thats a plus.
I know whatn you mean when you say that its difficult to confide in family / friends, i was alwyas the person doing the helping but its been so hard to change roles and be the person to ask for help, i am used to being the person in control and to be honest, i liked it better that way, ha ha. It makes me feel weak because i cannot cope with my current situation. I have always been very confident and its not easy to now feel so lost and vunrable (i know that i have spelt that wrong).
I am pleased that you have found the strength to talk to one of your sons and his partner, this must be a help to you. I am sure that your family would not think any less of you simply because you are struggling a little bit at the moment. I have realised that people do want to help, and the biggest hurdle is us (independant woman) accepting the help and support.
I think that i sound a little confused today so i will get off now as my thoughts are very jumbled today.
Enjoy the rest of the bank holidays hun and i will be in touch soon.
Julie xx
Hi again Julie, hope all is going well and that xmas wasn't too much of an emotional rollercoaster but, for you, it was never going to be an easy ride. Well, it's almost over and time to return to day to day life and I cannot wait as it means Spring is on the way which is always my favourite season as, to me, it symbolises new growth and HOPE. Despite getting Flu I am feeling good and my sense of mischief has returned proving that Cit. has worked so positively in my case. I can totally relate to your comments about always being the strong, supportive person who is always there for others but Julie this will return in time but in the meantime don't be hard on yourself as those who truly love and care for you are only too willing to support you through this (as I have found). I wish you so much for 2011 but it is only what you wish for yourself and I absolutely believe that you will emerge from this experience an even stronger person. Many thanks for your support, luv and best wishes
Molly X
happy new year molly, to you and your family, i wish you all the best for 2011 and hope that you continue to get stronger and get back to your old self soon. I am sorry to hear that you were struck down with the flu over the holidays, that is a bummer. I like what you said about regaining your mis-chievious personality, thats good, you are doing so well and i couldn't be happier for you xx
I can't believe that we have so many similarities, as i too love the spring, i always have and next year i have already decided to get myself a little greenhouse to grow some herbs and veggies, i haven't been able to do this previously as i never had the time but next year i am going to enjoy tending to them.
I managed to get through christmas, just, but i wasn't so good for a few days afterwards. Today however, is the best that i have been in a long time. I decided that i wanted to go to the cemetry and put some flowers out for mum and as its dad's birthday tomorrow i took him a card and a tin of cider (his favourite!!), it wasn't a morbid thing and i just felt so much better afterwards, like i had done something for them, i can't really explain it but whatever it is i like the feeling. Lets hope that this is the begining of my recovery.
Happy 2011 to us both.
I look forward to hearing from you soon
love julie xx
hiya molly, i really hope that you are ok, you haven't been on for a few days and i hope that the reason is because you are busy or having fun times.
I wanted to let you know that i am still feeling good, i don't know what has changed but something has, maybe the new year / new start thing or maybe its just the meds kicking in, i'm not sure but it feels good.
It was my birthday yesterday and even though we had the house full of people most of the day, i didn't feel over whelmed by it all.
I am back at the gp's on Friday and hopefully we will be able to discuss my return to work.
The only concern i have at the moment is that we have just sold mum and dads house i am not sure how i am going to feel when someone actually moves in, i keep telling myself that it will be better that the house is lived in and that life goes on, ect..ect, but i know it is going to be difficult when new people live there, anyway, i am preparing myself so hopefully it'll be ok.
We are going to get together with the rest of the family soon and discuss scattering their ashes, i think i am ready to do this now, they need to be settled somewhere and not sat on my sister-in-laws shelf!!
I really hope that you are ok hun, and i look forward to hearing from you soon.
Take care Julie xx
Hi again Julie, I am still in the land of the living and apologise for delay in replying but have been so busy with work and post xmas/new year get togethers. So pleased to learn of your positivity and accomplishments of late, you are doing so well and are beginning to appear as the \" Pheonix rising from the Ashes\"
WELL DONE YOU!
Happy (late) Birthday, am not at all surprised that you are a Capricorn,I am Sagittarean (spelt wrongly I'm sure)
There are still many milestones for you Julie but you certainly seem better able to face them and must be feeling proud of yourself for coping so well over a difficult period.
Am just off to work for a 12hr shift and will definately post again soon.
Keep Strong Luv MollyX
hiya molly, you don't need to apologise hun, i am just pleased that you are ok, i guess i am still a bit anxious and prone to worrying but i was just concerned for you. You do work long hours, you poor thing!!
Anyway hun, as long as you are ok and keeping strong and positive, thats the most important thing.
i know that i still have a few hurdles to get over but i am feeling more and more confident of getting over these hurdles every day.
A few weeks ago i could only think of getting to the 2nd Jan, now i am thinking / planning all sorts for the year ahead, this is a good thing.
We have sold mum and dads house and i know that it is going to be difficult when the new people move in but i am trying to prepare myself and i keep telling myself that it needs to happen, life goes on and all that, it'll be hard but not impossible to cope with.
Anyway hun, you take care and don't work too hard
Love Julie xx
Hi Julie, how uplifting to learn that you continue to be positive and constructive in both thought and action, your family must be noticing the changes in you. I wish you well with your G.P. appointment today and look forward to hearing of how it went. I was telling my son and his fiance about our exchanges and how this has really supported me through the recovery process. They seemed quite surprised that I would do this as usually I'm such a private person who won't admit to weakness to myself let alone so publicly but I can honestly say that our \"chats\" have helped and encouraged me enormously - THANK YOU JULIE.
I look forward to your next post. Luv Molly X