I've been anxious ever since I was a little boy. I then had some horrible stuff going on in my life which led me to being depressed and now 30 odd years later I am a mess.
Due to my anxiety I have never been able to properly hold down a full time job. Every time something gets a little stressful at work or there is some little change I get in a panic and end up not talking about how it makes me feel and/or actually doing the work. My mind always thinks the worst and I then avoid the topic as I bury my head in the sand. This makes me anxious because I bottle it up and then a few weeks/months late bang I'm depressed. I end up lying at work and saying Ive hurt my back or making up some terrible lie about someone in my family and then either lose my job/s or find something else.
Right at this moment I'm back in the same situation. I've been having some counselling about some stuff I did in my life that I'm not proud of and that has stirred up many painful and buried memories and thoughts. I feel suicidal and on the edge. I have 2 young sons and a wife so I have something to live for but hate myself and can't see anyway out other than doing something dreadful to myself or running away
Hi sam67293
We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.
If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.
Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.
If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.
Kindest regards
Patient
Hi Sam, I really feel for you I really do.
Do you take any medication for your anxiety and depression? If not I would definitely think about going to your GP and discussing it.
CBT would be a good option also as you obviously have difficulties with your anxiety as I guess we all do on this forum.
Councelling will help you especially if you have unresolved issues from the past which may fuel your anxiety.
Anxiety and depression doesn't have to be a life sentence I know it feels like it when in the depths of it this is were I'm at at the moment and I understand how difficult it is just to get through the day.
If your having suicidal thoughts then please speak to your GP and get the help you desperately need.
Your not alone here so keep posting.
Neil
Yes sam it happens many say it depression ...... i dont know about the medicines like antidepressants whether they work or not but i can definately tell you that the thing which works is spiritual enlightenment. Ohh soo you want to know what is spiritual enlightenment the answer to this is depression itself is a path that leads to spirituality that is what i have experienced from my own journey with depression and anxiety , feeling every symptoms like disconection from the world emotional flatening but i promised myself one thing when ill get well il help the people with same problems for free and so im here. Look this problems arises with us when we have actuly connected our selves from this world and the materialistic life that we always stay in our future. But a day comes when the subconscious part of you tries to bring to back to this reality which actully connects you from the environment and you start to feel that everything is unreal but this is the truth this is not unreal so now you have to live with it. But somehow the conscious part of you deny and you feel that there are 2 of me now in 1. Dnt fight it . Just try to look at the thoughts which comes dont focus but just try to keep a watch of it. And every morning as you wake up just tell your self that whatever the anxiety will do to me today il still continue with my work. And just go on and you will feel the difference trust me, a day will come when you will start to live the reality and in present moment instead of living it in future and past imaginations and you will feel the energy back. I knw it is difficult to understand it took me 4 whole months to do so and before this i suffered for almost 8 mnths. So its not your mind or body that is suffering at present its you which is different from your physicality , to understand this i reed budhism his teachings are pure and its the best and its ancient but many of us are not aware of and hence more sufferings. But there will be end to all sufferings but it also requires certain practice which we will discuss later and il be there through your whole recovery with you.
Dear Sam
I am like you only.
I have learnt to talk to people whenever some tricky situation arises . Often solutions are there for every wrong that has happened . Just open up to people . First to those whom u confide . And it is better if you discuss rather someone else discussing it.Everyone ( without exception ) makes mistakes .
Hi sam:
You're talking about me 20 years ago. I feel sooooooooooo very sorry that you are suffering. I got so anxious in high school and then on the job that I use to stick my finger high up into my nose to make it bleed so I could leave the room. Panic attacks are living nightmares followed by their bedfellow -- depression.
The good news is there are ways to control anxiety and depression with medication and I highly suggest group therapy. Just being around and talking with someone who has the exact same fears as you and knows just how you feel, is very comforting and takes some of that edge off. Telling the group that I had had enough suffering and was ready to jump in front of a moving train brought all of us closer together and I would get calls and cards of encouragement. There was a large outpouring of love among us and that's what we all needed.
I'm so happy you reached out here. We're all in the same life boat and dealing with our conditions as best we can. You are lucky to have family that need your love and attention. You are not alone. Plus, hating yourself is just wasted energy and causes more pain and suffering for you.
Whatever childhood trauma that caused your lasting anxiety and depression was NOT your fault. I know those words come easy off the lips of people who have not had such traumas but I'd bet that most of us here can say something quite similar My anxiety and panic attacks started when I was 14 and I won't see 60 again and I'm still here to tell you about that.
The best advise I can give you is for you to keep reaching out. Keep going to counselling and consider a short period of medication if you doc recommends it. By discussing those issues that you have been trying to hold under water like a huge beach ball, makes it even more painful but once you begin to open out, you find relief.
My best wishes go out to you and hope that you continue to post here and feel better.
Yes frazzled it gets better with time i dont know about medications but the anxiety and depression itself heels you as it has done for me and this process where you start to learn youself and advance your life skills is only known as spiritual awakening, where you feel the world as unreal and you always try to find as answer so as to what is it.? And you gain knowledge at every step and it somehow heels subconsciously but that can strike again rather better to practice spirituality which is nothing more than living in presence but there are many ways to reach there. And after this disorder what you call as anxiety and depression you somehow become a better person and a changed person that is what you have achieved some stages of spirituality but to achieve it completely you have to follow some practice. And i think you are free from it right now thats good. Im just telling it because i have been through the same hell and came out the other side and learned this through my own experience. Thankyou.