Depressed and need help

General health and lifestyle
1

Hi

Sorry I found this forum because I need to hear some advice from people who have perhaps gone through the same thing and can understand how I feel.

My husband is an alcoholic. We have been together 5 years and I have tried everything I can to support him and be there for him. I have gone to the AA with him, left him, stayed with him and supported him, stopped his access to money, stayed off work to help him and nothing helped. I was so depressed and didn't know where to turn any more. We had suffered 3 pregnancy losses and each time my husband just got more depressed and drank even more. I blamed myself. I felt like I couldn't make him happy. At times he blamed me for his drinking. His parents blamed me as they believed him and that he had stopped drinking.

I lived 2 years feeling empty. The alcohol destroyed my sole. I did everything for him. Looked after the house, controlled the money, cleaned him up and stayed up most nights to check he didn't knock himself out. He has been to the hospital 3 times in a year and had numerous ambulances out to see him too. I couldn't live like that any longer. I had sunk into depression myself. I couldn't stop him drinking. We had a great life, good jobs and money and a great relationship and he just drank it all away. So 6 months ago I decided to leave. I couldn't cope anymore. My counsellor advised me to leave for my own well being. I was sick. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I felt like I had turned my back on him when he needed me. But I realised I couldn't cure him. He had to do it for himself. Well last week his heart stopped and he passed away. I cant believe chronic alcholism actually killed him. He was only 30 years old. His parents and friends won't talk to me. I fear they blame me. They think it is my fault because I left him. And now I am living with this terrible guilt. If I had stayed he would probably still be alive right now? They obviously blame me. They think it is my fault he drank. They think i should have been able to make him stop. They couldn't make him stop though so why did they expect me too? I really don't know what to think or do right now. I guess that is why I am reaching out on here. I need some advice. I need something right now....

2

Nobody can stop an alcoholic from drinking if they want to, aside from locking them up. Addiction is one of most powerful forces that drive humans and he had no control himself. On Reddit, there's a subreddit called CripplingAlcoholism, inhabited by people that cannot or do not wish to escape the grip of alcohol and figure they might as well enjoy the ride down. 

Even here, you will find people that can not stop. One person dies from alcohol related causes every 10 seconds. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that alcoholism ran in his family. 

Jennie, I'm very sorry for your loss and this was not your fault. It's not something that you could have had a vote in. It's a vile, overpowering medical condition that largely isn't recognised as such by the medical community. 

Not. your. fault.

May you heal soon. Be good to yourself. Let his family heal in their own way. 

3

Hi Jennie, It's easy for others to blame you, after all you are the only person that seemed to care about your Husband whilst he was alive and really knew that he had a problem, so unfortunatly you are now a scapegoat. Your Husband chose a path and you gave him plenty of chances of help or a way out, for that alone you should be proud of yourself. The feeling of guilt is a sign of how much you cared, you should embrace that as confirmation that you are a decent Human Being. All you can do regarding the rest of his family is tell them your side and if they still believe that you had some part in his death, then that is something they have to carry around with themselves, you can't let their thoughts weigh you down. I'm glad that you are now getting help for yourself, and rest assure that your leaving him was the right thing to do. It's easy to say that things could have been different, but they are not, you did all, and more than you could. You sound like you have a lot of good emotions and how ever hard this is, or how long it takes, you have to move on, and make yourself happy. Wipe the slate clean, and learn to be content with your previous actions and feelings. As someone that used to drink, I'm sure your ex would be greatful for everything you did, even though he may not have thought so at the time. I hope you go on to lead a happier life, as all would say you deserve it. AL  

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My heart goes out to you.

You cannot and MUST not blame yourself, you did all you could.  Do not let those other people hurt you by blaming you, you are their scapegoat.

I hope you find some answers, Jennie.  I really can understand how you are feeling and am so sorry.

Pat xx

5

Well, my answers are probably a little different to the others you will get, which will be full of sympathy, whereas I willl try to explain the feelings you are going through and that will allow you to move on.

Your husband won't have blamed you, he may have used it as an excuse to cover his reasons for drinking (justification) or to stop you going on and leave him to carry on his favourite hobby in peace, drinking. But deep down, he will have known there was only one person responsible.

I am one of the ones that usually disagrees with other posters, when they say, walk away and leave your partner. Most people are desperately unhappy drinking and want to return to normal. But alcohol takes hold of a persons central nervous system and the body has become dependent on alcohol (can't function without it), but also their neural pathways become changed, so that the mind also becomes addicted to alcohol. I think the latter is the worst, because it is not properly understood. Anyone who manages to give up alcohol for a while is usually plagued by a brain that won't stop thinking about alcohol 24/7 and eventually it grinds them down and they give in.

But I do believe that in most cases, where people really want to give up, a mixture of medication and good counselling really can do it. However, the NHS doesn't like to give out medication and the counselling available is sh*t and I speak from personal experience. That aside, there comes a time, when you are emotionally and physically running on empty and instead of one life ruined, two will be ruined.

His family blame you, because they want something or someone to vent at and you fit the bill, this is quite normal. You are felling guilty at the moment, this is normal, you are asking yourself, did I do everything I could, was I responsible for his death. You did what you could and there was only one person responsible for his death and that isn't you. Unfortunately, the only healer of guilt is time, but it will fade with time.

30 is a young age to die from alcoholism. But if he drank spirits and didn't eat much, alcohol can really rip through the internal organs at quite a pace. It also weakens the heart and often leads to congestive heart failure.

So, in summary, you are not to blame, you did what you could, his family may never speak to you again, you will just have to accept this as collateral damage. Give it time and it will get easier.

6

Hi jennie,

I felt so sad reading your post! You did all and more than you could for your husband, despite the pregnancy losses

I have no experience of what you have gone through. But a woman, I will say this, you suffered 3 of the worst experiences a woman can go through. That in itself is heartbreaking

As a human being I will say that you could do no more. The only one that could cure him was himself. He had your love, your support and encouragment and still he could not stop drinking

I can imagine that if at times he blamed you, that must have been so painful for you, But he was striking out at you in the face of his own ability to help himself.

And as you so rightly point out, neither his friends nor his family could make him stop so it's outrageous they in turn lay the blame upon you,

It's horribly sad, Jennie. People talk of life choices but in fairness Alcoholism is an illness. He could not get a grip on it. And despite your wonderful, wonderful efforts, you could not persuade him to stop

It's over jennie. If others blame you then that's their guilt and pain looking for someone to blame because they cannot cope with their own feelings.

Move on, sweetie. All that you have been through is tragic. But you must live your life now

Please live it. Without guilt because there should be none where you are concerned. Without thinking you could have, should have done more. There wasn't. Without feeling the weight of the censure of others who couldn't help him either

I wish you, from the bottom of my heart, the happiness you deserve

Hugs Helen

7

Wow jennie, what an emotional read.  I am so very very sorry this has happened.  I think he had a real life Angel looking out for him and looking after him. 

The responses you have received, I could not post better.  Full of empathy and also fight - that you will need to overcome this.

You obviously can, and will, overcome it; you have amazing strength and compassion which will take you a very long way in life.

Be proud of who and what you are  as we all are on here.

Take care hunnie...............................G.

8

That's a wonderful reponse!

i read it through twice and was moved buy the calm,  practical, informative way you wrote.

I myself learned much from absorbing what you said. I am sure it will go a long way to heal Jennie

Great stuff!

 

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I echo your words Helen.

10

Thank you!

We're all on the same page here..for a change, lol

One shared opinion.

Poor jennie, all our hearts go out to her, and our good wishes for a bright future!

xx

11

Dearest Jennie,

Don't listen to these people who tell you it's your fault.

It wasn't your husband's fault, either. Alcoholism is a disease which ges out of control. The drinker wants it all the time. Nobodt coulp sat that was your fault!

You stayed and looked after him - you should have a medal, not censure.

Ir's a tragedy that he's died so young. but at least you can build a new life for yourself

12

Oh Jennie,my heart goes out to you,when someone dies,we have think we could have done more for them.You put up with such a lot,I remember my mum going through what you did,until one day I saw her strained pale face,and said" mum,if you don't put him out,you.yourself will go to an early grave" -and next day I watched my husband and brother physically carry my dad outside on to the pavement,and locked the door.Next day my Nan phoned to say she wasn't able to put up with him,she wasn't very well,and I realised if his own mum couldn't put up with him,who could! I didn't see him for years,as when I contacted him to meet my toddler,he was drunk and just missed scolding her with hot tea,I didn't go back,and he ended up in a home for alcoholics in Edinburgh.Today I visited my mums grave,and realised I don't have a grave to visit with my own dad.He was ill Jennie,he did go dry for weeks on end,and we tried to help him over the years,but it was down to him,and him only,he couldn't fight his addiction,same as your husband,you did all you could,please don't think it was your fault,he had a chance to prove he could fight it,and he didn't make it,he died very young.I,myself am fighting the booze,but I am not affecting anyone,and I think I,ll make it,I am 60,would like another 10 years anyway,see my grandchildren grow up.If his family blame you,then they are not friends,but will realise eventually you did your absolute best.x

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I agree with Helen,your message to Jennie is just what she needs,so glad we have you on the forum,having said that,everyone's output is worth a lot to Jennie and all of us looking for support.I,m so glad I found this site.😊

14

That's some story, Angela, thank you so much for sharing with us.  I can't imagine how terrible it must have been for you to see your Dad like that.

I am fighting the booze too, not exactly winning, but I am sure I am not affecting or offending anyone else by it.  I am thankful every day that my addiction is not as bad as your Dad's and Jennie's husband's, poor souls.

Pat xx

15

Yes we have to be grateful to be aware of our problem,and not affect others if we do drink too much,my story is not one I,ve told before,only on a site like this,didn't think much about it all my life,but on remembering that action,it was truly horrible for us all,I still loved my dad,but mum needed help.there was no choice.I know I won't ever let my family see me in such a state,that's why I have to beat the booze now,not let things get any worse,we must encourage each other Pat,we will be okay.x

16

Yes, we will Angela. 

xx

17

Jennie, it's not your fault. His parents know it's also not yours. They were simply hopeful you would be his saving grace and of course in reality nobody could be. I am so sorry he passed away. I'm going to be 37 and I also am a chronic alcoholic. I recently quit drinking. I have always been an addiction since I was 18. If it wasn't drugs it was smoking. (I quit both years ago) I was a full blown alcoholic for 6 years. I'm talking drinking a 12 pack of beer a night or sometimes a 5th of tequila etc. nobody could stop me. No matter what was done or said, I would sneak it or just get mad and do it. Point being, he didn't want t to quit. He wasn't ready. Unfortunately his body quit before his mind could. You did everything you could have done and I'm proud of you. Stay strong and it's not your fault. I suggest you cut the rest of his family out of your life because they are toxic and they are enablers. He might have drank due to the fact he knew he always had an out with them if times got too tough. That's why I drank, I always knew I could move home. For once in my life, before I hit bottom I'm going to be a big girl and pull myself up and quit being a drunk spoiled princess. I hope me speaking from the other side of the fence helped

18

I completely agree with you

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One of the best responses I've ever read. Wonderful, moving, informative narrative without one trace of self-pity, only the fats related in an inspiring manner

Respect to you

And best wishes for your future!

Hang in there girl. You can do it!

Hugs Helen

20

Families need someone to blame.

You are the perfect victim.

During your loss you should not have to put up with this extra crap!