I feel so depressed and scared.
All my life I have had problems with anxiety and depression, certain things will trigger it and I find it hard to go back to the same places again.
My mum has been suffering with the same thing for over a year and this week tried to take her own life by overdosing on her tablets. This has hit me hard and I just want my mum back at home and how she used to be before all of this started.
I have managed to carry on for so long and it has finally got to me, I just feel like giving up on everything.
My job isn't what I want and at the moment isn't a happy place as they gave the job I applied for to someone else who has more experience, but I have worked with her before and I do not like her, so working with her is going to be very hard to deal with, especially as me and my colleagues all think I should have got the job. I feel like I have been used to do the job when they needed someone and then pushed aside like I'm nothing. It used to be a happy place for me to go and an escape from my home life but most people have left now and I'm stuck there, I wish everything would just go back to how it was.
Another thing that has boosted my anxiety recently is that I have been going out with a guy for 2 1/2 months and he is my first boyfriend. This terrifies me and after enjoying the first few months, I now dread seeing him and feel sick all the time. I have even been sick 3 times when I've been to see him, which has freaked me out. He told me he loved me a few weeks ago and this has freaked me out too as I don't feel the same. And I'm worried I won't ever do and that hurts me because I want to feel the same as him and I don't want to break his heart. I also feel like I wouldn't find anyone as understanding and caring again. Why can't I just be happy with what I've got???
All of this is leading me to not be able to eat because my mind won't let me, I have constant nervous butterflies in my stomach which are driving me insane and I just want to feel better. It's like a living hell. I'm so scared of ending up like my mum and keep feeling out of control again like I have in the past. I have got through this before but this time it's so much worse and I'm not sure how to get through it this time.
I feel like I'll never be able to have a relationship because of my anxieties. I never see myself with someone but at the same time I don't want to be alone forever. I wish that I could just be happy and enjoy life. I don't want to break up with my boyfriend but I feel it's the only way to lessen some of this anxiety. I know I'd be sad without him too though. I just feel hopeless and wish I could stop the constant voice in my head questioning everything and making me feel like everything I do is wrong.