You have no idea how similar your life was to mine growing up with an alcoholic mother.
My father was a good provider working away from home mostly so did not see the abuse she unleashed on us.
My mother was having an affair from when I was 5 years old until 13 and when I was 10 she had another baby.
She didn't know until he was born whether he was dad's or her lovers but she let my dad bond with him for 2 years before confessing.
She planned to leave my Dad for this guy but didn't have the guts to tell him face to face so called him and confessed all.
She left for 2 days and me and my brothers were happy she had gone, we were never in her plans only his son.
Then after 2 days he decided he couldn't leave his wife so came crawling back but for my father he was done.
They divorced afterwards and her alcohol consumption got steadily worse, I had to be a mother to my baby brother at 13 and while she drowned her sorrows.
I used to look at her and feel ashamed, I promised myself I'd never be like her and thankfully I'm not.
My brother 1 year older than I left home to live with gran after she beat him on the stairs and very rarely spoke to her after that, she never did say sorry to him, or my dad for what she did.
In her rages she had a knife to my throat and I really was frightened of her as was my younger brother and my baby half brother.
My dad died aged 52 of a massive heart attack and when I called her she sounded upset (she had remarried) and went to my nan's to ask for money to come to see me but went drinking instead.
I didn't talk to her for 2 years, she was incapable of giving her kids comfort and love it was all about her.
My galf brother ended up in the care system at 8 years old because she couldn't cope with him through her drinking and he has ADHD.
I watched her drink herself to death when she was 59, I sat in the room while the life support was turned off but I didn't do it for her, I didn't want to feel quilt for letting her die alone...I didn't grieve, I was already grief stricken for my younger brother who died of epilepsy 5 weeks to the day before her at 37 years old. I still cry for him.
I told myself I wouldn't dwell to much on the past, it wasn't my fault and accepted that's all I knew but lately in an unhappy marriage It's all going round and round in my head.
I'm on antidepressants which have been increased so I'm coping but life can be very unfair.
I'm of a soft nature and some see this as my weakness and I want to be more assertive but struggle.
I won't be dragged down again though. I'm struggling but staying strong.