Depressed boyfriend dumped me, please help me make sense of this!

Mental health
1

My boyfriend of one year dumped me last Sunday. Before we got together we were best friends for about another year. I was always there for him - supported him when he was going through a rough time being unemployed, helped him to find a new job, spent hours and hours talking about his feelings, his issues. He was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at the age of 17. He took some medication for it, but he stopped 2 years ago. He was loving, sweet, funny and kind, but he also had his low moments - that's when I'd be there for him to cheer him up.

 However, on Sunday he told me that he just wasn't happy, that if he was happy in the relationship he'd at least be happy to have me around, but he only feels a void when he sees me, that I can't make him happy, if anything - my presence makes him angry (for some reason? we didn't argue!), so he wants to break up.

 We haven't had any contact since, but I saw him yesterday at a mutual friend's birthday. He completely ignored me! And our friends told me today how happy and upbeat he was yesterday, he didn't even mention the break-up to them. 

 I feel so lost and destroyed sad I really thought I was special to him, that I was his go-to person, his partner in crime who always understood him and never judged him. He broke up with me before a few times, the longest we went without him wanting me back was 5 days about 2 months ago. Since then we've been on holidays together (it was amazing!), booked another holiday in June. It was his birthday 2 weeks ago and he was telling me how much he loved me and how grateful he was that I'm with him. And then within a week everything changed. When I tried to remind him what he had said just very recently, he only answered that his feelings change very quickly.

 I don't know what to do now… is this behaviour something you have come across? Will he be back? I really want him back, because I want the good and the amazing that he has to offer, making me the happiest girl in the world. Whad should I do? Just ignore him and avoid all contact, or should I text him that I'm here when he needs me? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

2

Oh you poor thing. He is treating you really badly and just using you when he feels like it. My honest advice to you is to walk away. Don't contact him and don't allow him to tempt you back when he suddenly feels like it. He doesn't love you. He wouldn't treat yoou this way if he did. At the moment he thinks he can have you any time he wants and you will come running. It is human nature to want what we can't have, and take for granted things that come too easily. I hope you can find the strength to move on and find someone who deserves you.

3

Hi Melle;

Losing a best mate and someone who you feel is very much a part of your entire world is not easy.

My partner of 5 years dropped dead on me some years back and the emtiness was unbearable as I looked inwards and didnt acknowlege my pain , and this then entailed me losing 8 years of my life with depression .

i would like to encourage you at this time to try to not have all your though patterns turn inward but to accept things as they are right now at this very time.

And then to decide from inside that you will make use of this time in your life even while you feel this way (depressed and low) and to set yourself free from worry and stress by using all your energy into working on bettering yourself.

You must know the saying  "when we love something , let it go " and then if it were to never to return to us , it never actually belonged to us in the first place.".

Find things through out each day to do without him, go out and find peace with nature and encourage yourself to be very gentle and kind to yourself.

Dont fall into the trap and attempt to find answers regarding your boyfriends needs and problems.

Like you said he lives with the issues of anxiety and depression and it is not unusaul with this mental health disability that one week he is telling you sweet things like "i love you more than anything " and in the next breath then says exactly the opposite.

Dont attempt to try to work his promlems and issues out as much of what he says about you are in fact what he is saying about himself.

Dont take on board all that he says and dont look for excuses.

You mentioned him at the party and how he seemed so happy and how he ignored you all night, dont go down that road either.

you know what is ture between yourself and him and what ever his behavior is right now that does not change a thing.

When you mention how he says instead of him feeling goood around you he states that he gets angry at you.

That also is nothing to do with you, this is actually him talking about himself, and what he is trying to say is I am angry at me.

Reverse Pyscology is an amazing tool to have on board our lives.

I dont have to react when someone says something cruel to me as the truth is that what they are saying doesnot belong to me , it belongs to the voice and the head of where the words came from.

I suggest you make up your mind immediately to plan your day around all those things that make you happy and bring something good into your life.

That could be window shopping if nesacary.

But whatever do not take on board his problems and his own personal fight

Use this time of seperation to build you up and to work on those things that better you.

Know who you are and dont be easily led by others to believe any different.

Stay with the Truth at all times and the Truth will indeed set you apart and free in all areas of your life.

Hugs form a fellow warrior her of anxiety and depression.

PJ

4

Thank you for your replies. Yes, he definitely takes me for granted - how else could he behave so recklessly? He is not afraid of losing me because - even if he cares about me (and I don't think he does) - he knows that he can talk his way back into my good graces. I will take your advice on board, focus on myself, not chase him in any way, and just take it one day at a time. Thank you again!

5

Hello Melle,  This must feel so hurtful for you to support someone unconditionally then have them treat you so poorly.  I would try to move on with your life thou i am sure that at the moment you want him back.  It takes a lot to walk away when you have invested so much towards someone.  It maybe that it's his depression talking but the fact that he was out enjoying himself and ignoring you was not nice.  I don't think he loves you as he wouldn't treat you so badly. Don't sit around waiting for him to want you.  I have made that mistake many times. I am older now and i wouldn't let anybody treat me badly again.  I have had domestic abuse and all sorts, i wouldn't chase anybody again.  You need to be nutured and loved.  Treasure the many people in your life and know that your one of them.  Enjoy yourself with mates and do things for yourself.  

Best wishes.

Elizabeth.

6

it is encouraging to hear you respond.

Trust me it even speaks lou to those who care , and understand your feelings.

be real kind to yourself melle.

Know u are valued and loved.

PJ

7

Hello

Sorry to hear of your situation... sounds like youve been amazing and under appreciated. I hate to say that if youve broken up and got back together a few times already then it dosent really sound like its all working out.

I understand he has depression but theres no need for him to be so mean when splitting up and ignoring you when he see you.

Youve always been there for him and looked after him, the least he should have done is try to have let you down softly and make sure that your ok as it seems to of been out of the blue.

You sound strong and will get through you deserve better youve alot to offer and dont deserve someone who dosent look out for your feelings...

Keep you chin up

Stace

8

I wouldn't necessarily say that he doesn't love you.  Depression can make people treat those they love terribly.  But I would take Ozzie's advice and start living life for you.  You have done all you can and now maybe it is time to step back, because even if he does love you, you don't deserve to be treated that way.  I supported my daughter's Father whilst he was going through the police academy, then when he found our daughter was going to be born disabled he walked away without a backwards glance.  It was devastating at the time but my daughter and I ended up being much better off without him in our lives.  

9

'you deserve better youve alot to offer and dont deserve someone who dosent look out for your feelings...' - I keep telling this to myself, it does make things easier, thank you! It has been a week since I have not heard from him Our previous break-ups were not like this - usually he'll apologise within a few days (max. 5 days). But this seems final And I don't even know what happened! Before we would 'end' things because of an argument. But we just had very amazing 4 weeks and suddenly he gets withdrawn, doesn't communicate for a week, pushes me away and then tells me he doesn't want to be with me anymore...

10

He behaved horribly beyond words. I am glad you are such a strong mum! This must be very inspiring to your daughter. It certainly is to me - an internet stranger. I just don't get what changed within just a week, that's why it is so hard to let go, but I will. I already haven't heard from him for a week - the longest ever - I'm sure I can 'survive' another week, and another, and another...

11

Shows all the signs of self loathing.

Its not really possible to love someone so badly and deeply when we havent learned to love oursleves.

Whitney sang about it and its so damn true.

The Greatest Love of All Is learning to Love yourself.

When we love ourselves this gives me the capability to love another person.

Your Boy Friend came so close to you over those amazing 4 weeks you spoke about and guess what it was to close to comfort for him.

People cannot handle love when its real and so close at hand.

it can frighten them and lead them into withdrawing and why is this , well my understanding of what I have learned persoanlly is having a relationship is one thing but deep emotional intamacy unless its something thats mutual , people will run fast.

And I can only imagine this is nothing to do with yourself melle but everything to do with who he is and where he is at right now.

Sounds like there really are self image issues.

Move on Melle.

Dont turn back.

if he really was meant for you he will come back , but dont expect anything from him now.

Think of yourself and be good to you.

PJ

12

Wow, you sound really healthy and strong. My depressed ex bfriend cut me loose a week ago today and I was supposed to be flying out to see him in 5 hours, he lives in Brazil. But he just painfully wrote he doesn't want me to come anymore and we can't be together. Long distance is hard enough but when they slip into deep depression and are emotionally immature and unable to share their feelings, it's worse.

I'm devastated and in so much pain and confusion. Why he picked now to end this I don't know. I admit I was getting lost in his depression, becoming co dependent, but I've started working on myself since then. I take Celexa and see a therapist weekly and he's on meds for 2weeks now and sees a shrink too.

But has been pushing me away for weeks now and I can't understand why, since I'm the closest person to him. I have closure or understanding about this but I've been reading books on the subject like crazy to help understand this bizarre phenomenon.

When he was was here as a student from September to May, we had a strong, loving, wonderful relationship. The second he went home he slowly started to change. A Jekyll and Hyde scenario.

Can you shed any light on this for me?

My heart is broken. Thx in advance.

Brenda

13

Greetings Brenda

Thanks for once more sharing your story with me.

You are right about one thing as you started off in your message to me, I am a strong person deep down and I will never give up fighting to the end.

I am not a healthy person at all, I have several pretty serious health issues that are threatening my entire life right now.

Both Physical and mental issues.

The latest being I have had almost 2 full days of termors and have been basically over taking the diasipman due to me being able to control the tremors my body is going through.

I was told yesterday by the GP to st the Diasipama as they dont seem tohave any effect on me and i was expecting a phone call back last night to advise me from the GP what information and advice she had taken from the specialists, but up to now there have been no follow up phone calls.

I am still suffering with terrible shakes and my whole body hurts especially my right arm from the constant tremor.

I waked back into the GP surgery 2 hrs ago t inform the reception staff I had not had a follow up call and again found mysel having to take 2 more 5mg of diasipam.

I am facing a vindictive eviction and will be made homeless in the coming weeks.

I now feel it may of gone one step further with me where i am now expereincing a complete mental break down.

Anxiety and Depression are not easy to overcome, it is only possible to keep going if you can find strength from any avenue as we all can from using this forrum.

The strength doesnt come from taking all the pills subscribed to us, and sometimes even therpay which is great still leaves us alone 99% of the time to deal with every little to major issue that we go through each day.

My inner strength also comes when i turn to the only mighty power of who I see as God , the creator of all man kind the one that knows my heart and even every hair on my head , the One that gave me life and has a distinct plan for me which I truly believe without a doubt I remain still alive today.

My body is weak and I lack company and feel very isolated every day while my best live in mate and now carer is out for 12 hrs a day at colleges getting a degree.

I have no other internal home support which I have fought for for 3 years.

Its a lonely battle.

In your circumstances with your boyfriend /partner in Brazil, you have made a wise decsiion not to travel out there as my goodness the mess and emotional state you may of found yourself in out ina foreign country would not be a good scenario.

trust me , especially if it is in Brazil I have travelled there 3 times and Argentina and had a major incident in Buenos Aries and the lonliness and isolation until the consulate could flky me home to safer ground was shocking.

Try to place all your thoughts into brenda alone and not the man who has rejected you through his own mental health issues

Build yourself up, stand strong and if you fall pick yourself back up and dist yourself down and keep on moving in a forward manner.

Use this time to find who Brenda really is and who Brenda relly desrves to have as a freind or life time partner.

This may be a time for Brenda and to be used entirely on just you

i wish you all the recovery as i feel there is a gret chance and future ahead for you , for me to say this to u is s easy, but in my critical situation I am only just barely holding on to what is left of my world.

Hugs

PJ

14

gday melle i strongly believe your fellow loves you a great deal. i was in a similar situation when i was 17. he gets in a funk and just needs to be on his own to deal with it. he thinks deeply about the two of you but sees too many hazards and obstacles ahead. he just wants you to be happy and successful. he finds it hard to reconcile the two of these things. i hope this helps. God bless.

15

He is a selfish jerk. I want to sugar coat that but it almost impossible. Move on and lesson learned. Dont waste any more thought trying to figure out what you did wrong. He is selfish. Its on him. At least you have learned qualities you like, and qualities you do not like. I would go with this. Feel free to write a letter noting all your feelings on this matter, a closure letter if you will. For yourself. Wait 48hrs from the completion of this letter if you decide you want him to read it send it to him or give it to him but It almost serves no productive purpose to give it to him, but thats your choice.this letter is for YOU  and its very helpful. Otherwise i would ignore him and avoid all contact with him. He is a selfish jerk. I have heard so many similiar stories like yours so just know this is on him, not you. You dont want someone like that love. Ew. You want a real person and a real friend who is there for you and you for him and together you are a stronger couple. What he had to offer is little, he needed you, he took what he needed for himself. A taker. They dont change.

16

Thanks Ozzie, I am going through virtually the same with my fiance... Was feeling terrible this morning but your words have helped me enormously!!! It is so hard when in the morning you are making arrangements with the one you love for a weekend away together but in the afternoon when you are at the caravan Park they don't turn up and don't bother to let you know... Reason given almost 5 hours after leaving me sick with worry was he said a bit down and changed his mind!!!! But couldn't let me know cos his phone broke........ Im heartbroken as we had something special and he told me constantly I was the best thing that ever happened to him.....

17

I hope you survived and flourished, we who care so much don't deserve to be treated like this... I have tears writing this as I gave my fiance 3 years of my best!!!!! Stood by him when he did terrible things behind my back but after being let down n 2 weekends in a row when I only get 2 weekends off a month we have split up for good this time as its not love when you don't bother getting a message to the person you love that you can't make a vacation with them due to whatever.. You don't leave them sick with worry hanging around. Thinking every car they hear is their car coming to join you.. Worried that they had an accident and in pieces with stress...... That's not love... I can't take him back anymore...

18

I am hoping someone can help me out and give me some perspective. I'm really really hurting right now and for the same reason. 

If you take the time please read below:My ex (we broke up yesterday), was my best friend for 9 years through the years and distance. After what seemed like fate, we reconnected recently a few months ago and sparks flew immediately. We admitted we had feelings for each other over the years and that he had always loved me and compared his interests to me and my character. Over the years, we had always confided in each other with the deepest of things and genuinely encouraged and supported the other. Looking back on the messages a few months ago..i realized we really cared for each other profoundly.

We fell in love quickly and deeply. Due to some regulations in our jobs..we're military..he was willing to get out ASAP just to be with me. He had been doing this the last few months..doing everything in his power to separate by December 30th because it was not only his dream...but he knew this was the only way for us to be together openly and asap. I am currently abroad for work for the last 1.5 months(and we were long distance anyways in the relationship), but i noticed a change in him. I noticed in the last 1.5 week, he distant and preoccupied. He was not the thoughtful, invested person he was just recently. He had told me a few days prior how in love he was with me and i was the reason he was making these changes for (of course for his future, but i was the catalyst).

I brought up the fact that i felt his distance and that he was pushing me away. He admitted that he was depressed and that maybe i needed space too so it didnt affect me..one thing led to another and we were skyping.

He's been trying to separate since he was push to get out of the military so we could be together and also since his dream was to finish university. It's been hard since they haven't give him a striaght answer if his life would be changing in a short few weeks-and he's been super stressed since if they do it last minute he'll have to get an apartment,find a job,etc within like 2 weeks.anyways..he's been very distant the last 2 weeks and pushed me away but wanted to be in a relationship..it hurt me so we got into more and more fights.he admitted that he's had depression..hasn't been working out,going out, been very negative and eating junk food-he's a health freak.anyways,for the last 2 months and up to last Saturday he told me how in love he was with me,that he would drop his dream job for me, etc. and yesterday although I brought up maybe getting space and starting to feel indifferent because he's been so distant ..he started saying "you're right" I'm not right for you,you deserve better." and mentioned that he wasn't happy.etc..I stopped him and said no..if this is what you want you do it since you've been distant.anyways..he said maybe his feelings changed and he didn't want it and he's been very distracted and down and that I didn't help. He told me if I were the right person I would've helped him change how he feels and brought the best out of him. So since I didn't change how he feels I maybe am not right for him.he completely changed from what he had told methat he wasn't in love anymore, just about 3 days after he told me he was falling head over heels for me --and we've known each other for so long..I'm so confused.i know it was stressful but what do you think happened?

He started crying at the end and said he's never loved or felt this way about anyone and that's why it's hardest and he's never hurt this much. I've never been this confused or heartbroken. He also said he never wanted to put his job before me but that without even getting there that even the pursuit of his job he put before me but that he did. He said i deserve better...I just don't get it. Is this indicative that he truly fell out of love with me in a matter of a few days...or maybe never really loved me? it seemed so final for a man who called me the love of his life, told me our lovestory was something out of fairytales and one who I have KNOWN so deeply as a friend--an intimate friend before dating.

I just don't know what he has told me what is BS may be an excuse...like the "you deserev better.." line. I'm heartbroken and don't know what to do and although I know he has struggled with depression in the past...I just feel hurt and like he is blaming me. I don't know if we can be friends right away although he hinted at seeing me soon in December when he would be near my town. Any thoughts would be very appreciated. I lost my best friend and although I know I came of as needy (especially not understanding until it was too late that he was so depressed), I"m wondering if it was over in his heart and he happened to be depressed or it takes over and makes other's judgement clouded. Basically, from what I have said...does it seem like there is any hope?

19

Melle, 

What ended up happening to you? i am in a similar situation..your insight a year later would be SINCERELY appreciated ..please read if you have time, mine happened one day ago,

My ex (we broke up yesterday), was my best friend for 9 years through the years and distance. After what seemed like fate, we reconnected recently a few months ago and sparks flew immediately. We admitted we had feelings for each other over the years and that he had always loved me and compared his interests to me and my character. Over the years, we had always confided in each other with the deepest of things and genuinely encouraged and supported the other. Looking back on the messages a few months ago..i realized we really cared for each other profoundly.

We fell in love quickly and deeply. Due to some regulations in our jobs..we're military..he was willing to get out ASAP just to be with me. He had been doing this the last few months..doing everything in his power to separate by December 30th because it was not only his dream...but he knew this was the only way for us to be together openly and asap. I am currently abroad for work for the last 1.5 months(and we were long distance anyways in the relationship), but i noticed a change in him. I noticed in the last 1.5 week, he distant and preoccupied. He was not the thoughtful, invested person he was just recently. He had told me a few days prior how in love he was with me and i was the reason he was making these changes for (of course for his future, but i was the catalyst).

I brought up the fact that i felt his distance and that he was pushing me away. He admitted that he was depressed and that maybe i needed space too so it didnt affect me..one thing led to another and we were skyping.

He's been trying to separate since he's enlaisted to push to get out of the military so we could be together and also since his dream was to commission. It's been hard since they haven't give him orders and he's been super stressed since if they do it last minute he'll have to get an apartment,find a job,etc within like 2 weeks.anyways..he's been very distant the last 2 weeks and pushed me away but wanted to be in a relationship..it hurt me so we got into more and more fights.he admitted that he's had depression..hasn't been working out,going out, been very negative and eating junk food-he's a health freak.anyways,for the last 2 months and up to last Saturday he told me how in love he was with me,that he would drop his dream job for me, etc. and yesterday although I brought up maybe getting space and starting to feel indifferent because he's been so distant ..he started saying "you're right" I'm not right for you,you deserve better." and mentioned that he wasn't happy.etc..I stopped him and said no..if this is what you want you do it since you've been distant.anyways..he said maybe his feelings changed and he didn't want it and he's been very distracted and down and that I didn't help. He told me if I were the right person I would've helped him change how he feels and brought the best out of him. So since I didn't change how he feels I maybe am not right for him.he completely changed from what he had told methat he wasn't in love anymore, just about 3 days after he told me he was falling head over heels for me --and we've known each other for so long..I'm so confused.i know it was stressful but what do you think happened?

He started crying at the end and said he's never loved or felt this way about anyone and that's why it's hardest and he's never hurt this much. I've never been this confused or heartbroken. He also said he never wanted to put his job before me but that without even getting there that even the pursuit of his job he put before me but that he did. He said i deserve better...I just don't get it. Is this indicative that he truly fell out of love with me in a matter of a few days...or maybe never really loved me? it seemed so final for a man who called me the love of his life, told me our lovestory was something out of fairytales and one who I have KNOWN so deeply as a friend--an intimate friend before dating.

I just don't know what he has told me what is BS may be an excuse...like the "you deserev better.." line. I'm heartbroken and don't know what to do and although I know he has struggled with depression in the past...I just feel hurt and like he is blaming me. I don't know if we can be friends right away although he hinted at seeing me soon in December when he would be near my town. Any thoughts would be very appreciated. I lost my best friend and although I know I came of as needy (especially not understanding until it was too late that he was so depressed), I"m wondering if it was over in his heart and he happened to be depressed or it takes over and makes other's judgement clouded. Basically, from what I have said...does it seem like there is any hope?

20

Hi melle, wanted to know if you found a way to resolve this mountain of a problem. I was having an extremely similar issue about a year ago. Please respond back I want to know how you were able to push through