Depressed for 6 years already. I can't handle it anymore.

Mental health
1

Hi. Before I go on, I don't want to sound ungrateful or anything. For the past 6 years of my life, I have gotten myself into an awful situation that I can't get out off, and I feel my youth trickling away. It worries me that my 20s are going to slip by without me having properly enjoyed it.

Coming from a background where academic is important, I have always been surrounded by ambitious high flyers from a young age. I guess it was always expected of me to perform well, and I based my worthiness on my academic performance. 

The truth is...I hate studying. It is the bane of my life! However, I felt that getting into a good uni, getting a reasonable job, was the only way that I can keep up with my peers. Hence, I devised a plan. I would work my butt off to get into a prestigious university so that I could fulfill what was expectated of me and then I could do whatever I wanted. I'd go travelling, do photography, try cooking school etc. and get a reasonable low-pressure job.

Everything was going really well until it came to university. My parents pressured me to study a degree I hated, and although I got into my dream uni Oxford, I did the wrong degree. My grades were low, and for that I was judged even more. I decided to continue for 4 years, but in the end I quit because I couldn't go on like this. I decided to reapply, got into another good uni and now am studying a degree I like. 

However, everyday I am depressed. I feel like I wasted 5 years of my life, lost the chance of getting an Oxford degree (I could have graduated by now if I had done the right degree in Oxford), and am in lots of student loan. I was looking forward to travelling at this stage of my life as a reward for my hard work, but now I am going back to uni. I also feel isolated from my peers and friends because I feel embarassed at my situation, and I see them all going off onto the next stage of their lives whilst I am surrounded by 18 year olds who just want to party. Not only that, but my peers judge me, and everytime I see them they try to give me sympathy which annoys me. I feel hopeless, and by the time I graduate, it will be time to start a family. Hence, I never got a shot at enjoying life in my youth. I am so depressed and isolated. I just want to be working now, and at the same stage in life as my age group. What can I do? I feel hopeless and sleep every day. 

2

I have had a similar experience to you. I went to uni and did the wrong degree. In my opinion university is over rated as there isn't that many jobs, especially high paid ones. Don't beat yourself up. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

3

I know it feels like a lot right now, but you just have to keep going, and most importantly, get the support you need.  Doesn’t matter what happens, you can’t live your life trying to make others happy.  I didn’t enjoy my 20s (got married, had two kids, finished undergrad and grad school, worked to help support the family.  BTW, changed majors 3 times and now I work on something completely different from what I studied).  I’m telling you, the best decision I made was to find a physiological counselor that helped through the hard days.  Although I still have depression (mine is chronic not situational), I’m enjoying all I couldn’t during my 20s and it’s great!  I’m having fun plus the money to afford the fun. 

If you have chronic depression, this condition is for life, but need to find ways to manage your condition.  The first thing is to learn to love you and accept you as you are and with the decisions you have made.  Yes, you feel you wasted your time at Oxford, well, you gained experiences, knowledge, stories.  Our decisions are “teachers” that provide the wisdom to take the paths for the future.  

4

Hi Ann I can't see that you have wasted any of your life.  Life isn't just about academia you know and the fact your don't just want to party like the 18 years olds shows you have learned a lot of life skills and are more mature than them.  That's worth a lot you know.  Don't forget as well as Uni you get a lot of your education in the 'University of Life' and this will stand you in good stead in the future.

I had a terrible time in my teens until my late 20's and I used to worry I was missing out on life and happiness.  Then in my late 20's my life changed for the better and I am still having good times today,  and am 61 now.   Life doesn't end because you are no longer so young you know.

You have found a degree you like so concentrate on achieving your aims and getting the type of job you want afterwards.  There must be others at Uni who are older than 18 so seek these people out and make them your friends.  x

5

Hi Ann,

You have received some very wise words in reply already which I really hope have cheered you up :-)

Life is all about expectations - those we put on ourselves and that others place on us too. I've found in my 48 years that my regrets and lack of self-worth usually arise from the mismatch between reality and expectations. However much I achieved, there were always things that didn't work out and I gave these things higher importance than they should have had. It's affected my mental health and I'm in the process of adjusting my attitude ;-)

Life seems like a competition but it really isn't a race. We feel the pressure to achieve and succeed and justify ourselves. Nowadays I'm more impressed by someone who is happy and confident in their own skin than by someone who has made it (in a material sense). You seem to have your life mapped out step by step and it's fine to have goals and dreams. But don't let them control you to the detriment of your health and well-being. Don't try so hard :-)

You say that you are finally studying something that you enjoy. That's great news! And you'll always get to say that you studied at Oxford. That's a lot of people's dream and they'll never even have got close to realising it. I read recently that there's no such thing as losing - you either win or you learn! Don't be so hard on yourself. You don't know what tomorrow will bring and all those peers who seem to have it all together - you don't know what stresses they have going on in their lives to maintain their "success". Try not to compare yourself to other people. You are you - unique and special. You have a contribution to make that no one else in this world can give. Find that purpose and do it to the best of your ability. Don't mourn for the few years that you think you've lost; you haven't lost them, you've invested them. Look ahead now to the many more years when you can still get to do anything that you dream of doing :-)

Good luck!

6

Thank you everyone. What you guys have told me actually has made me feel so much better. It is nice to have someone who has actually been through the same experience to give advice. xxx

7

I agree get yourself a counsellor.  It might not work for you but it's definately worth a try.  I find that I get more out of talking to a complete stranger who does not know me that can just listen.  I have one best friend who is my total rock who I know I can rely on and always supports me regardless of wether I am right or wrong.  I used to have lots of so called friends in the past but most of them did nothing but backstab me and treat me appallingly which really effected my self-esteem so as soon as I got those negative people out of my life everything seemed to turn for the better!