I don't really know were i am suppose to start all this sorry
So i'm just looking for peoples opinions so would be amazing if some people can share there thought.
I'll start by explaining the chain of events that led to this. So at the age of 12-13 was when i felt this the first time. I joined my first secondary school were after about 6 months i didn't have many friends at all maybe 1-2 but i was fine with that but that was intill they turned on me and starting trying to " fit in with the cool kids ". Other people ofc didn't like me in the " cool kid group " so rumours were made about me and people started spreading stuff. After about 1-2 months i lost the only people i could call " friends ". Then i became the punching bag for pretty much everyone i don't really wanna get into it but i had to leave that school at the end of the year. So time summer breaks comes to a end and i join a new school this time hoping to make new friends. Well thats not what happened at all, at the start of the year i was nice to everyone and really trying to make friends. Again nobody seemed to care and i was on my own again. Walking around at breaks on my own and sitting in class on my own. I felt like a outcast to everyone but this was the easy year because when i hit 14-15 i was targeted yet again but this time much worst. People would follow me calling me names and yet again i was everyone punching bag. It even got to the point were i lost complete control and threw someone againts a wall because he slapped the back of my head but i let him go instantly and said sorry but his group still ran up to me pushed me down and kicked me . So at 16 i left that school with no grades or anything now i'm 19 just got into college trying to get my grades. Same thing with college i have 0 friends nobody even knows my name. Everyone has there groups again and i have nobody at all. What makes things worst is i have many friends online that i talk to everyday and they help alot ( i havn't told them about my depression or anything ). I just broke up with my girlfriend aswell i was e dating her but we just wasn't right for each other. We was dating for a few months and it was the only time i didn't feel alone anymore but now its right back to that feeling and i don't think i can take that again. I cut myself a few times its becoming a normal thing now i do it every other day because the pain is just so bad inside. I just don't see light at the end of the tunnel and i'm thinking of ending it all i just don't wanna do anything anymore i just wanna sleep and never wake up. There is alot more problems but honestly its 5am and i got to sleep.
I just need some help so if anyone cares it would be amazing if you could help me please.
sorry you are in so much pain. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though! Thankfully, you are now at university age and will never have to endure the torment you experienced when you were younger.
when you finish school you will have more opportunities for work and places to make friends.
I know that you are desperately lonely but perhaps you are NOT deseparate, you were wise to see that you and your gf were not right for each other so you didn't desperately hang on and will find someone who is a better match for you when the time is right.
I think your childhood and school life was traumatic and brutal and you bear the scars of it all. I really think you need to see a counselor and go to your GP for some medication.
The weather is changing, school has started for you and it is a very glum time. You can turn this around though. I am in my thirties and can guarentee what you experienced as a child will never happen as an adult. I understand that you feel like an outsider, stil, wtih no friends. dont try and conquer the world just try and make one friend, start there... and continue to post here and talk to your online friends. Clearly you are very likeable since you have online friends... I wish i could say more to cheer you up. but you are not alone and can always come here.
This is a sad story which gives me some pain in reading but you must hang on, a saying a good friend once told me was that in life " what is for you, will never go past you " by this I mean people who deserve to be a real friend to you will present themselves to you at the right time, like a girlfriend aswell, the "friends" you had before never were friends and so they left you, which may have seemed bad at the time but you should realise that it is not all bad as you have lost people who obviously never cared much for you but they have lost someone who cared for them, go and see a doctor and see what they say, do not do anything stupid as depression and anxiety is affecting us all on this forum in some form or another we just have to learn to deal with it or seek help, Take care friend and keep in touch
Hi unfortunately bullying is very common but like anon said it will never be as bad as when you are a child. As an adult you need to learn to stand up for yourself. I don't mean fighting but learning to become more assertive.
It does sound like you are suffering from depression but only a medical professional can diagnose you. Do you have a college counsellor? Have you spoken to them? Otherwise get yourself down to the doctors and get some help. Meds might help you but counselling certainly should. x
Sorry to hear what you're going through. Depression can feel so dark but there can always be light shown through if you manage it. There will be fall backs and dark times in life but building that strength and self esteem will be important. That takes time and patience with yourself. Have you ever talked to a therapist? Getting feedback and more insight as to what you can do for yourself can help tremendously.
Hi Josh - I'm so sorry toread what you have been through. As older adults we tend to forget the trials and tribulations of being young and how cruel our peers can be. The first thing to realise is that you are not the problem - these people who picked on you singled out someone (you) to bully because it made them feel tough and superior. They weren't. They were just nasty children who harboured insecurity.
The second thing is to find help for yourself - with a counsellor or medical professional who can help you understand what is happening and provide coping skills. The best place to start would be with your doctor. If you don't have one then find one and make an appointment. Be ho9nest with him/her about what is happening. They may likely refer you to a specialist who in turn will assess you for medications. You should also ask for a counselling/psychologist session to help you through. It's important that you feel safe and comfortable in the presence of the specialist who is not there to judge you but to help you. They are on your side.
You state that you have just got into college to gain your grades. Good for you. This is a positve step for your future. It will take a little time to find where you fit in and what crowd are your peers. I would start with the people who like the same things you do as that is a common link between you. If not a subject at school, then hobbies after school. It will be confronting at first, but before you know it you will be among others and totally accepted as one of the crowd.
Suicide is not an answer. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Self harming is not the actions of a healthy individual. You need help. The challenge for you at this time is to explore every avenue of healing available. You will come out the other side a stronger, wiser and more mature Josh - and I'll tell you something else: don't be surprised if you achieve things in life your abusers never do. One day they might be working for you. Life has a habit of balancing things out. Please see your doctor asap. Talk to someone. You will be surprised and relieved at what can be done for you.